The Coast

Currently in Vancouver.  Love the people very much dislike being in the city.  Will be leaving for the Island on Friday.  Will be off to Tofino to surf for the weekend (yes people surf in Canada in October and no better way to avoid planning future trips abroad... ;- )   ) before heading to Hollyhock for a month!  Photos's to follow.....

Fear

Fear is a strange thing.  I've learned over the years the very things I fear the most, often bring the most growth and gold when I face them.  Meaning when I'm brave enough to face my fears, I find out that there was no need to be scared in the first place.  Once I face whatever fear I'm avoiding, I feel much better and more alive and in control of my life for having done so.

There is a saying that states, the more you resist something, the more it persists.  I know that in the past the more I've tried to avoid something or someone, the more the universe seems to shove them, or similar situations in my face.  I have often said or have heard numerous people say "why does this keep happening to me?"...Well, probably because I/you haven't learned to address the situation with authenticity, courage and heart and I/you are constantly being given the opportunity to step fully into life in order to mature.  Life is brilliantly designed this way as it is the only way we grow and evolve.

I bring this up for many reasons.  The first, in my last post I wasn't completely honest.  Even though I am on a similar yet different path than Brent,  I'm still scared to climb all the way to where I know I need to go.  This has become more and more apparent to me the more the experience of climbing that mountain integrates into my psyche.  I realized the more clear and still in my heart and mind I get, I also get more lax and lazy in my spiritual practice, convincing myself that where I am is far enough.  Meaning getting close but not quite breaking through into awakening. My heart knows better though.  This is the time when I need to be more fierce and disciplined in my practice. It is the same reason why so many teams or people fail just before they reach their professional best.  The relax to soon thinking that the prize, or promotion is in the bag, only to realize that they have fallen short and lost the game or raise.  I fell short on the mountain.

I'm getting lax and too comfortable with my current living situation. How do I know this?  I'm getting scared about traveling.  Every time I sit down to do some planning, I get distracted or put it off.  The closer I get to making concrete plans for leaving, the more I avoid doing anything at all and not just planning my trip.  I've made every excuse in the book.  I'm tired, the internet connection is slow, I have wait for money to be transfered...on and on it goes.  I'm excited to have this opportunity and yet, I also feel much safer looking a places in photographs rather than experiencing them first hand.

What is the fear?  Well, the very fact that I've never done anything like this before and going way beyond my comfort zone is a good place to start.  I have no idea what to expect and jumping into the unknown is still rather frightening.  I know there are dangers to be aware of while traveling alone, getting lost, running out of money, having money/passport stolen...the fear I'm experiencing though is completely irrational.  The root fear is egoic annihilation, which of course is what awakening is all about.  But the ego interprets awakening as physical death and therefore does everything in it's power to avoid any kind of transformation.  The ego doesn't get this and wants to hang on to comfort and security so anything outside that zone will be a threat to it and avoids it at all costs.  This whole situation is what keeps most people from truly loving and living...a perceived threat.  The ego can no longer tell the difference between what is real and what isn't.

I had a similar experience when it came time to study for anything.  School for me was very traumatizing when I was younger.  I was teased often and the message I received was that I was a stupid little girl who couldn't do anything. So I didn't even try.  Later in life when I wanted to learn something new, I knew I was smart, however, when it came down to producing any kind of paper or research, I froze in fear.  I automatically assumed I was going to fail and be teased for my work.  I had absolutely no self-confidence. It took a very good friend of mine to sit down with me while I wrote a paper to over come this fear.  As we went through the material, I shook, I cried, I thought she would call me stupid and leave, I thought many many things that were not real or true.  I had to go through the pain in order over come that old egoic structure that keep me from learning for fear of being ridiculed and abandoned.  At the end of the ordeal, I finished my paper, she was still there and happy to be so, we had a great,  empowering, intelligent conversation and I could honestly say I felt, smarter, stronger and ready for the next project.  I still have to work at this to this day as uncovering many many layers of outdated conditioning takes time and patience.  I'm much better at now though and I'm not even afraid to make mistakes.

Traveling is presenting the same fear for me.  Traveling and living a different life from what I grew up with seemed exotic and I was told it wasn't possible for someone like me.  Now I'm not that naive to think that real threat and danger doesn't exist in the world, particularity for a single, white female traveling alone.  There will be precautions I will take. However, what my ego is doing is exaggerating this fear to the point of paralyzation and I'm preventing myself from even pre-planning.  Even taking the initial steps seems to much at times and I abandon any thoughts of globe trotting.  But if I don't open up to this experience, I won't be able to fully open myself to any kind of real transformation because I will always fall short. Something I'm tired of doing, particularly in following my dreams/passions, and in relationships. Thankfully, I know the only way through this is to  take the risk and just do it.  To be open to any experience is to be open to life.  To close myself off from experience because of fear, is lose the very richness life has to offer and to remain asleep.  No thanks... I want to live and love fully.

So, the next time someone asks me if I know what my plans are for leaving the continent, I'm hoping to have a more concrete reply.  If you hear me say, "Ummmm....I don't know.  That is a fear based response and I'm still stuck.  So at that point, you can then either take the Zen approach, slap me to bring me back to reality and tell me to get over myself, or be gentle, offer me some advise and a hug and tell me it's all good.  Either way will be perfect for the moment....cause at the end of the day...it is all good and timing is everything ;-)

In addition....gotta love synchronicity.  I received this Daily Om  (click on the link) a few days after this posting.  I love it when I'm in tune with the Universe.  ;-)

Brent Mountain Protective Area

As soon as I saw Brent Mountain Protective Area in my line of travel I had to go and check it out.  Brent, is the name of my teacher and friend and who also provides a protective space for those seeking spiritual guidance.  And, who provided me with the map and key to my spiritual process.  As I trekked up Brent Mountain, I became aware of my inner path manifesting in the outer world.  Below, is a physical representation of my journey with Brent so far....

It was a long and windy road to find Brent Mountain, the path sometimes marked but not always.
I had to trust and follow the road.

I should have turned back at the first sign.  The number is approximately the same in terms of how often I had to repeat old behaviours before letting them go and doing things differently.  My ego about be to logged and cleared

Along the path sometimes there was a dump and run.  Leaving Brent with my shit.  (Funny...the book there is Palomino by Danielle Steel.  For those who know my journey will find it's  plot funny)

Sometimes my path was like a game of chess.  Often ending in check mate.  Not for me though. The ego often winning and/or  Brent putting me in my place forcing me to surrender deeper and deeper.

Sometimes there were big piles of shit dumped.

Sometimes weird, strange things appeared. (This wasn't on Brent Mountain, and much like my process the weird stuff often happened away from Brent)

I was always pointed back to the path.  Getting closer and closer  the truth.

Which often though would mean dumping even more shit.  Lots of it. Sometimes shit that wasn't even mine.

Sometimes his signs would be confusing and I would take an alternative path.

It didn't matter though.  The more I moved on the more hings started to get clearer and I was able to see and feel further and deeper than ever before.


I didn't make it to the look out.  When I first started my journey up the mountain I started on foot because I didn't think my car would be able to hand the extremely rough road.  So because I like to make things harder than they need to be, I walked.  I walked straight up 9 vertical kms only to find I couldn't do the last 2 kms.  I was way too tired, my legs aching and I still had to walk back down.   So, instead of pushing myself I honoured my body and went back down.

However,  me being me, meaning quite tenacious at times,  went back down and then drove back up, my poor little Hyundai did well.  However it was a very slow process as I had to navigate deep culverts, huge rocks, fallen trees and washouts.  Much like the rest of my life.  And... I STILL didn't make it to the tower.  I got twisted around and ended up on another path.  How is this like my life...?  I am to follow Brent but not be him.  I'm to be me.

I was going to camp on the mountain but I wimped out.  I had my camping gear with me, but the thought of a comfy bed and a good night's sleep (which I haven't had in weeks) was enough temptation to bring me down off the mountain.  As I was driving further and further away from Brent Mountain I felt sad that I didn't stay and happy that I drove off the beaten path to see it.  I feel this way about Brent.  I am sad I left him (and my community)  in Toronto and eternally grateful for him in my life.  I also know that I am exactly where I'm meant to be.  Plus, I don't think your meant to stay... Just take it all in and then take it all with you in your heart. Having done this, I am reminded to be like both Brent and his mountain.  Strong, still and always present never going beyond what is called for.

I am also reminded of Hexigram 52 of the I Ching...a perfect reminder  for the sometimes weary traveler that it's not always getting to where you think your going...it's the process of getting there.  I was nice to walk the physical manifestation of this today...

52. Kên / Keeping Still, Mountain
above KêN KEEPING STILL, MOUNTAIN
below KêN KEEPING STILL, MOUNTAIN

The image of this hexagram is the mountain, the youngest son of heaven and earth. The male principle is at the top because it strives upward by nature; the female principle is below, since the direction of its movement has come to its normal end. In its application to man, the hexagram turns upon the problem of achieving a quiet heart. It is very difficult to bring quiet to the heart. While Buddhism strives for rest through an ebbing away of all movement in nirvana, the Book of Changes holds that rest is merely a state of polarity that always posits movement as its complement. Possibly the words of the text embody directions for the practice of yoga.

THE JUDGMENT

KEEPING STILL. Keeping his back still
So that he no longer feels his body.
He goes into his courtyard
And does not see his people.
No blame.

True quiet means keeping still when the time has come to keep still, and going forward when the time has come to go forward. In this way rest and movement are in agreement with the demands of the time, and thus there is light in life. The hexagram signifies the end and the beginning of all movement. The back is named because in the back are located all the nerve fibers that mediate movement. If the movement of these spinal nerves is brought to a standstill, the ego, with its restlessness, disappears as it were. When a man has thus become calm, he may turn to the outside world. He no longer sees in it the struggle and tumult of individual beings, and therefore he has that true peace of mind which is needed for understanding the great laws of the universe and for acting in harmony with them. Whoever acts from these deep levels makes no mistakes.

THE IMAGE
Mountains standing close together:
The image of KEEPING STILL.
Thus the superior man
Does not permit his thoughts
To go beyond his situation.
The heart thinks constantly. This cannot be changed, but the movements of the heart-that is, a man's thoughts-should restrict themselves to the immediate situation. All thinking that goes beyond this only makes the heart sore.

Any Suggestions???

Gotta love Mutts....

On the Move....

Left the Landing heading further west for the Coast.

Dancing through the curvaceous roads, keeping the beat with my breath

Time is the essence, take it all in each inhale

Glorious mountains, mystic waterways, wondrous lands are my perpetual guides, unfolding just for me

Lessons learned, friends discovered in glorious light

What will the exhale bring...

Be Yourself...Be the Change.

Creative Impulse

A couple of mornings ago, I woke up with absolutely horrible cramps (sorry boys).  For the most part I’ve had them my entire life with brief moments of pain free months.  As I was laying down doing my best to breathe into the pain, a friend came in and we started to talk about pain.  I’ve done extensive work around my body pain, I’ve been able to heal myself from MS, and other muscular pain, however, menstrual pain has always been a dilemma.

She mentioned that menstrual pain is linked to the Divine Feminine and owning our own femininity and creativity.  For those who know me well, know that I’ve spent quite a bit of time working at owning being a woman and something I still work at.  The word in the conversation that I had a bodily reaction to was “creativity”.   Where was mine?  How am I using my creativity? What does it mean to be creative?  What is my passion? My cramps intensified as I had these thoughts.

Growing up I’ve always stifled my creative side and passions.  I use to love to draw, take pictures, sculpt and build things, paint, make things from nature or other materials.  I even attempted to play the trumpet, drums and piano. I was also, from a very young age, interested in all things esoteric and philosophy. But I never really pushed myself to do well or continue to pursue these activities.  I was always very self conscious about creating any kind of art or music, or voicing my interests and gave up.  It didn’t sound right, look right or feel right.   Actually I didn’t sound right, look right or feel right.  I wasn’t myself at all and because of my contraction I wasn’t able to invite the creative muses into my life.

But it’s more than just being creative through art and music.  Life itself needs a creative impulse, a spark, a flame that ignites passion, change and growth (many spiritualists and people who study evolutionary consciousness speak about this quite often).  I’ve realized that until now, I haven’t been living creatively at all. I lived vicariously through other people feeling that anything “outside the box” was exotic, eccentric and way beyond my short armed reach.  However, through doing my own personal work, I discovered that life is full of choices.  Each choice requires some surrender.  Meaning in order to do or have one thing, generally you have to let go of something else.  I let go of the vicarious life I was living and decided to live my life.

As I started to write this entry, Steve Jobs, co-founder of Apple,  passed away and a friend posted this quote on Facebook (another fine example).  Job’s stated quite succinctly and precisely…

‎"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

I don’t think anyone could have displayed living creatively better than him in this day and age. In order for the creative impulse to flow, one needs to be authentic and follow their hearts.  They need to break enmeshments and be able to be an individual as well as part of a greater community without getting lost in it.

In my own personal work I have been working on individuation for quite some time now.  In recent years my life has done a complete 180.  I don’t recognize my life at all because it doesn’t resemble the comfortable, controlled, safe and secure lifestyle I was living.  To be honest, I wasn’t living at all.  I was doing what I “thought” I needed to do and dying inside because of it.

Since my life has changed my creativity has started to return.  In fact, traveling (that exotic creature I never seemed to get a grasp of and have now caught) has been a huge catapult for it.  When you don’t have an income, and following your heart into the unknown, you HAVE to be creative.  You have to find your own way and what works for you. What is interesting though is when you learn to trust yourself, your heart, and take responsibility for yourself, magical creativity seems to jump out at you.  And when that happens, you begin to feel inspired and alive and things start to connect and happen.  Things you could have never planned to happen even if you were the most anal person in the world.

The more I travel the more I come Home to myself.  I find that I’m experiencing life in a brand new way.  I’m able to step up, and into the driver seat of my life with the Universe as my trusted GPS.  I’m open to learning new things, meeting new people, keeping my heart open and feeling my way through it all.  I’m doing my best not reverting to old behavioral patters that kept me contracted and creatively blocked. I still stumble at times. But I get back up much quicker these days.

All that I have been through and have learned in the last 8 years is now, somewhat quicker than expected, being integrated in to my being. Proof for me that consciousness in many ways is quickening.  As a result I am less afraid to be creative.  I feel that anything is possible where once I thought that a different life other than the safe and secure, was totally inconceivable.  I am encouraged and supported by the people I meet and looking forward to unfolding even more and manifesting my creative process.

What is that going to look like?  Well this blog is one creation. I love to write and take photos. I hope that others can view this blog and feel inspired to look at what is blocking their creative juices and begin a deep inquiry to open them up.  I’m hoping to do more with my photography.  I would also like to either build or find a retreat centre/spiritual community that is based on the creative impulse.  One that supports and balances creativity, work, play, rest, individuation as well relationship through community and nature.  One that is dedicated to the process itself and not the outcome. I’m also interested in pulling this all together in a global context as well.  I’m just not sure what that will look like. I’m doing my best to let this process unfold naturally without egoically getting in the way.  I’m sure more will be revealed when the time is right.

I’m aware that the creative process manifests differently for each and every one.  How does it manifest in your life?  What do you do to block or encourage it?  What sparks and ignites your flame of passion?  What are you passionate about?