Cycles

Oh technology....a love hate relationship for sure.  My energy combined with electromagnetic devices is not a good mix at the best of times.  Add Googles ever changing platforms, take overs and sharing policies adds another dynamic to the soup.  I haven't been able to find my blog for over 4 months even though I have it book marked, written down and posted in several spots.  Once I found it, I wasn't able to log on because of some change in relationship between Google and Yahoo.  It's taken me another month to figure out how to get into my own blog.

So...sorry for not keeping you up-to-date.

You may be surprised to hear that I'm back in Canada.  To be honest I'm still a little surprised myself even though I semi consciously knew, without knowing how or why I knew this, that I would be gone from Toronto for 2 years.  It's hard to believe that that amount of time has already gone by.  Well not exactly.  I left in August on my birthday so I'm shy a few months.  I'm realizing that timing and intuition isn't an exact science and the Universe has it's own sense of time that in no way relates to the conventional time constructs that man has created.  We may be given a sense of a length of time, but it's all relative to cosmic events.

Even though I would prefer to be out in the world somewhere, I feel that it's important for me to be back home at this time.  The major reason is that an intense 10 year cycle of my life is winding down and coming to a close.  It is the past 10 years that I am in the process of compiling into a book.  I don't what to say to much about it here as I'm in the process of writing it.

In short, I was 30 when I began a profound inner journey with my Teacher and Friend Brent.  Little did I know when I met him that I bought a decade round-trip ticket into the cosmic consciousness of my soul.  It's been the biggest excavation, exploration, and expansion project ever. There were certainly moments, many moments, when I thought it was a one way ride to Hell with no return.  The shit I've been through and have seen would make most people spontaneously combust in a fury of flames.  Which in essence is this spiritual process accept that one does rise from the ashes if the will to do so is there.

When St. John of the Cross coined the term "Dark Night of the Soul" he should have called it the Dark Decade". But I guess that by saying "night" people would be more likely to step into the dark thinking it's for only a short while. However these people, myself included, have no idea, that one night in cosmic terms can mean anything from a millisecond to a millennium. The Universe has an agenda of it's  own whether we choose to believe it or not.  And in the grand scheme of our soul's evolution, 10 years is but a single petal in the a lotus flower of life.

Being back in Canada feels like I've pulled back into the train station that I left from renewed and rejuvenated and ready to fully engage in life with a sense of purpose that has been lacking for most of my life.  When I look back on the last 10 years, I'm blown away by how the Universe spins, how it gives us not what we want be exactly what we need. How each moment in life is an opportunity to step up and out of our shells to really experience life in all it's fullness through all of our senses with acceptance.  How each moment in its own right, no matter how difficult and painful it may be is beautiful.  How the past, present and future all exist at the same time and is held together by Love. How in our youth, we are given the puzzles pieces of our life that we are meant to put together as adults in order to see the bigger picture of what this current incarnation of our soul is about.

As we put the pieces together our path is revealed to us on a need to know basess. Knowing that at any given moment we have a choice to continue working on the puzzle or put the pieces back in the box.  I can honestly say I've put the puzzle away at times for many reasons.  But I've always come back to it because really...what else is there to do in this life? My puzzle certainly isn't finished yet.  I'm still working on it. The difference now is I feel like I'm co-creating and playing with it instead of fearing it.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with blog at the moment.  I am planning on keeping it but instead of continuing writing my journey, I may use it to write articles on things that move me or feel passionate about.  I will also update you from time to time as to my whereabouts and check in from time to time.

I appreciate all of those who have taken the time to follow my journey.  I am so grateful for all of your support and love.

Until next time....

Love and Blessings

Changing Times

No I haven't dropped off the planet and apologize for not keeping the site and my photos up to date. I've been caught up in a fantastical series of events that has repeatedly changed my perspective on life.  So much so I've given up even having perspective.  What's the point of holding on to something that will change the moment you "think" you understand, have a clue, or get it? I don't know and I don't understand and I'm loving this state of innocent exploration.

What could have possibly happened to generate this?  I can only say a whole heap of Divine Grace.

I am in the process of writing my adventures and working on organizing my photo's.  You'll have to bear with me though, because there is a lot!

I will say that I'm back living in Bali for an undetermined amount of time. I'm in good spirits and health and missing you all back home.

To be continued....

Dental Holidays

There are some redeeming qualities to being in Indonesia.  One is the dentistry here. 

Before I left Toronto I had some major dental work done.  I had 3 crowns put in which in total cost me just over $10,000.  Thankfully I was still insured by U of T and they covered roughly three quarters of it. But it still left me with $2500 bill.  I was going to have all my mercury fillings (3 of them) replaced however that would have added another $1500 to $2000 to my already outrageous tab. I was giving it serious consideration and have them done, but I didn’t quite have my funds together just yet, so I decided to wait.  I’m glad I did.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my friend about dentistry.  He said that the dentists here are very cheap and very reliable.  So I decided to check it out.  He gave me the name and number of a dentist he uses in Denpasar which is about an hour away from Ubud depending on traffic.

As I sat reading in the waiting room, I heard a song that reminded me of a friend back home.  I leaned my head against the wall and allowed the memories and love wash over me.  As I did I heard this Australian accent ask me if I was nervous.  I told her no I was just thinking of a friend.  We got talking and she said that many, many Aussies come here on dental holidays.  She said that the dental prices in the land of Oz where rather exorbitant and that for the price of any surgery they can fly to Bali, have the procedures done at ¾’s of the price and enjoy the beaches in between appointments.  Even factoring in food and hotels it’s still much cheaper.

So when it was my turn to see Dr. Wibisono I was curious to see just how much difference the price is.  WOW.  It cost me a total of $150 to have all 3 fillings replaced!  And a cleaning!  Dr. Wibisono studied dentistry at UCLA and used all the latest equipment.  He was very slow and meticulous.  I was in the chair for just over 2 hours.  Even though he was slow, he was very thorough and stopped often to check in with me.  I left his office mercury free and very, very happy with the amount I had spent.

So if you have any major dental work to be done I highly suggest a dental holiday.  Do some research, you can even find helpful advise on Trip Advisor.  I found that Mexico and Southeast Asia are the destinations to go for such excursions. Really, you can spend $10 grand on your mouth at home, or you can spend the same amount of money (or less), get the same quality of work done if not better, and go on holiday at the same time.  What could be better than that!

Frustration

A month and an half later, I finally received my bloody ATM card!  It’s really hard to know who to get really pissed at so I chose everyone.  My bank repeatedly got the information I was giving them wrong.  I was literally spelling out every word I said using the Nato phonetic alphabet to assure no spelling errors, yet they still managed to mess it up. Even after having the supervisor repeat my address and phone number to me twice.  

The first attempt at having my card delivered I was not given a tracking number.  When I called to find out where my card was 10 days after the initial order, I was told it was sent back as my street and house didn’t exist.  Now I know we live in the land of illusion, however I’m not that far gone to make up an entire village.

Second attempt…Now very agitated as I was running out of cash which is Indonesian’s favorite way of doing business or they add 3% to your charge card if they even take it.  I gave my bank a different address, my friend’s restaurant, made the supervisor repeat the address and phone number 3 times.  I was assured once again it would be there quicker as they now use VISA’s method of shipment.  10 days later…no fucking card.  I called my bank back to find out they had no record of me ordering a second card!  This is a major financial institution where talking about.  Not only did they not have record of a second card somehow they lost the notes saying that I was traveling.  And my email address was erased. At least my money was still there. Anger now really starting a rolling bubbling under the skin.  So beyond the supervisor I go.

Third attempt…Fucking pissed!  After tearing quite a few strips off the manager I was absolutely assured that my card would get to me in 3 days.  Three days go by…no card.  Fuck.  Call the bank yet again bypassing customer service, supervisors and right to as high as I could go, I finally obtained a tracking number for my card.  Here is why they don’t give tracking numbers out...My card left Toronto, then went to Louisville, Kentucky.  From Kentucky back up to Anchorage, Alaska.  From Alaska to Hong Kong, from Hong Kong to Changi, Singapore, to Jakarta Indonesia, to Denpasar, Bali, Indonesia and then…well then they had no idea what to do with it.  How is this express post?  It’s bad enough that a 1^st world country can’t manage express mail, but then there is the Indonesian Post…I’m surprised anything gets delivered here at all.

I checked the tracking number and when I saw that they tried to deliver my card twice and was going to sent back I absolutely lost it!  I hunted down the phone number for the Denpasar UPS office, which is about an hour from Ubud, and managed to get them before they put my card back in the mail.  “I’m sorry Mme, but your address is in correct”  BULLSHIT!!  Not only that they didn’t even attempt to call me to check and they had my phone number!  What it came down too…money of course.  I had to pay duty and taxes and a something a little extra to get my card.

I was warned about this.  But to experience the corruption that goes on here in infuriating. Not just in Indonesia but with the banking system in North America…OK the World Bank. I did my absolute best to have my bank pay for everything and of course they will have none of it.  I did my best to make suggestions to the Indonesian Post…They didn’t care as long as you are able to spend money. They don’t get it if you don’t have your card you can’t spend. Of course the more you open your mouth the more likely you are to get yourself in trouble..  Something I really don’t need or want to experience.  The more I’m exposed to the fuckery of the world the more I want to hide out in the mountains and lakes in some vast space.  Looks like I might be coming home after all.

Now after all this I’m very leery of using the ATM machines in Indo as it was one that swallowed my card to begin with.  Thank God I’m leaving in a week.

Moonlit Ride

The moon was out in all Her glory

Luminating bubbles of soft white light through the silhouetted palms

The snaking road unraveling itself to me

Opening up gently as a lover opens his arms anticipating a soft embrace

A peaceful breeze kisses my face as I glide through sleepy villages.

I weave through the fields as if weaving time itself,

The fireflies dance in the darkness, sparkling like slowly falling stars

I listen intently to the sounds of nocturnal bliss over-toned by my motorcycle's hum.

The machine is responsive to my every move

As if it has now become a part of me

Fully trusting

I am free, I am flying

Warm tears of bliss fall gracefully down my cheeks

As I now understand the sheer ecstasy of riding this two wheeled miracle.

I want to ride forever as far as the roads will take me and back again.

jkr

Little Girl

After 2 months of intense work I had a complete shift in perspective and found someone I thought I had lost...my inner child.  This poem I wrote is a result of that shift...

The Little Girl she dances and sings
She sees all that this wonderful life brings!
PLAY! PLAY! PLAY! She stands high on tip-toes and SCREAMS!!!
In joyous tears she absolutely beams!

Reunited at last in heart
Her and I will never again part
Dear One see the pink flower in the field of fun?
Let's go get it..1!...2!..3! RUN!!!

What about the cloud high up in the air?
Do you think bunnies have the same fluffy white hair?
It doesn't matter what time it is or where we have to be
As long as I'm with her and she with me.

Under Construction

My how time flies.  I shake my head in utter wonderment went I think that I’ve been in Bali for 5 months.  Almost half a year.  Where does time go?  Better yet where do I go?

I never in my life imagined that I would be living on a tropical island.  It’s strange because Bali would definitely not be the first, second, third or even fourth place I would choose to live.  I’m not even sure if it would make the list at all once I’ve explored the planet a little more. Yet here I am.

So what have I been up to?  I always find this question difficult to answer, especially to those who do not subscribe to evolutionary consciousness or spiritual awakening.  But that is in fact exactly what I have been up to.  And not in the way that most westerners would approach either subject.  Yes I’m doing a little reading and light research in the external world.  Discussing various aspects of what spirituality and evolutionary consciousness means in terms of sacred texts, sacred geometry, symbolism, rituals and ceremonies or what-have-you.  No, the way I approach both of these subjects is by internally excavating, exploring and expanding my own nature and behavioral patterns.

It takes an enormous amount of time, energy, patience, humility, sincerity, seriousness and some relaxation and humour to awaken to one’s true self.  And what is frustrating is, is it doesn’t reflect in the external world.  It’s not like writing an essay, a report or building something that one can see progress being made.  One might be able to detect small changes in personality or the way I do things, but for the most part I “seem to be the same”.  Meanwhile I’ve been through leaps and bounds of internal shifts that have had dramatic affects on the way I think, feel and behave. The external expression of this takes time as I integrate all these shifts and revelations into my experience.  Much like anything else, it takes time to learn new things through repetition, trial, error and then success.  And, quite often what I uncover isn’t meant to be externalized at all as it is just a sensation of deepening awareness.

It is the most difficult thing there is to do in life, and it is also the most rewarding.  It is the biggest unseen, thankless job to most of the world. In the western mindset spiritual practice is seen as being selfish, used as a scapegoat to get out of work, relationships, environments and other obligations.  When in fact, if one sinseriously takes up a spiritual practice, you become selfless, more present and open to healthier relationships and create more sustainable healthier environments.  When you look after your inner world you take better care of your outer world.  If you ignore your inner world, that to gets reflected in your outer world too.  It’s really not that complicated and yet for some reason most people do not understand that concept. And then they do no understand they judge.

So to answer the question what have I been up too? I've been under construction. I have been digging deep into my own dirt, clearing it away so I can live more freely and continue designing my life the way I want to live it.  Actually it feels more like landmines unceremoniously going off every 3 minutes, leaving gaping openings for my soul to shine through.  For some reason the last couple of months have been extremely intense.  The veils of illusion that I’ve held in front of me for way to long have been ripped away leaving me feeling defeated, deflated, humiliated, vulnerable, raw and ultimately completely free.  I can now clearly see what work still needs to be done and how to do it.  Because of my physical condition I haven’t been doing much exploring, yoga or any kind of movement.  Now though that I’m feeling much, MUCH better I intend to get out and explore the outer world once again.  With my camera.

I no longer need to bare the weight of my past or be concerned about the future.  I no longer need to carry the feeling of being responsible for other people’s lives and decisions. I can offer them love and support but it’s not my responsibility to hold on to their pain and suffering. I no longer need to worry about protecting myself against possibly being hurt. And even if I do get hurt at least I know I tried.  At least I know I took the risk to try something new.  At least I know I have choices, many choices in how I want to experience life.  I can now fully trust myself and the unknown without going into anxiety, worrying about what “could” happen.  Best of all I feel so free just to be!  I’ve once again found my inner child.  I’ve found the sense of fun and play that I’ve been missing for so long.  I am also getting closer to knowing exactly what it is in life I want to experience and how I want to participate in this world.

I haven’t been able to do this all on my own. Bali has provided me with external situations that pointed directly to the places in me that needed cleaning.  I have friends in Ubud and my most Beloved community and Teacher/Friend back home who have been gracefully guiding me through this each step of the way.  My family has been very patient with me as well.

So that’s what I’ve been up to. Some days I work very hard at my awakening.  Some days are spent vacillating between watching the butterflies and birds dance in my garden, or movies online.  It may not seem like much to the outer world and people will have their opinions.  That’s ok.  I’m very happy what I’m doing and grateful for the life I have.