Under Construction

My how time flies.  I shake my head in utter wonderment went I think that I’ve been in Bali for 5 months.  Almost half a year.  Where does time go?  Better yet where do I go?

I never in my life imagined that I would be living on a tropical island.  It’s strange because Bali would definitely not be the first, second, third or even fourth place I would choose to live.  I’m not even sure if it would make the list at all once I’ve explored the planet a little more. Yet here I am.

So what have I been up to?  I always find this question difficult to answer, especially to those who do not subscribe to evolutionary consciousness or spiritual awakening.  But that is in fact exactly what I have been up to.  And not in the way that most westerners would approach either subject.  Yes I’m doing a little reading and light research in the external world.  Discussing various aspects of what spirituality and evolutionary consciousness means in terms of sacred texts, sacred geometry, symbolism, rituals and ceremonies or what-have-you.  No, the way I approach both of these subjects is by internally excavating, exploring and expanding my own nature and behavioral patterns.

It takes an enormous amount of time, energy, patience, humility, sincerity, seriousness and some relaxation and humour to awaken to one’s true self.  And what is frustrating is, is it doesn’t reflect in the external world.  It’s not like writing an essay, a report or building something that one can see progress being made.  One might be able to detect small changes in personality or the way I do things, but for the most part I “seem to be the same”.  Meanwhile I’ve been through leaps and bounds of internal shifts that have had dramatic affects on the way I think, feel and behave. The external expression of this takes time as I integrate all these shifts and revelations into my experience.  Much like anything else, it takes time to learn new things through repetition, trial, error and then success.  And, quite often what I uncover isn’t meant to be externalized at all as it is just a sensation of deepening awareness.

It is the most difficult thing there is to do in life, and it is also the most rewarding.  It is the biggest unseen, thankless job to most of the world. In the western mindset spiritual practice is seen as being selfish, used as a scapegoat to get out of work, relationships, environments and other obligations.  When in fact, if one sinseriously takes up a spiritual practice, you become selfless, more present and open to healthier relationships and create more sustainable healthier environments.  When you look after your inner world you take better care of your outer world.  If you ignore your inner world, that to gets reflected in your outer world too.  It’s really not that complicated and yet for some reason most people do not understand that concept. And then they do no understand they judge.

So to answer the question what have I been up too? I've been under construction. I have been digging deep into my own dirt, clearing it away so I can live more freely and continue designing my life the way I want to live it.  Actually it feels more like landmines unceremoniously going off every 3 minutes, leaving gaping openings for my soul to shine through.  For some reason the last couple of months have been extremely intense.  The veils of illusion that I’ve held in front of me for way to long have been ripped away leaving me feeling defeated, deflated, humiliated, vulnerable, raw and ultimately completely free.  I can now clearly see what work still needs to be done and how to do it.  Because of my physical condition I haven’t been doing much exploring, yoga or any kind of movement.  Now though that I’m feeling much, MUCH better I intend to get out and explore the outer world once again.  With my camera.

I no longer need to bare the weight of my past or be concerned about the future.  I no longer need to carry the feeling of being responsible for other people’s lives and decisions. I can offer them love and support but it’s not my responsibility to hold on to their pain and suffering. I no longer need to worry about protecting myself against possibly being hurt. And even if I do get hurt at least I know I tried.  At least I know I took the risk to try something new.  At least I know I have choices, many choices in how I want to experience life.  I can now fully trust myself and the unknown without going into anxiety, worrying about what “could” happen.  Best of all I feel so free just to be!  I’ve once again found my inner child.  I’ve found the sense of fun and play that I’ve been missing for so long.  I am also getting closer to knowing exactly what it is in life I want to experience and how I want to participate in this world.

I haven’t been able to do this all on my own. Bali has provided me with external situations that pointed directly to the places in me that needed cleaning.  I have friends in Ubud and my most Beloved community and Teacher/Friend back home who have been gracefully guiding me through this each step of the way.  My family has been very patient with me as well.

So that’s what I’ve been up to. Some days I work very hard at my awakening.  Some days are spent vacillating between watching the butterflies and birds dance in my garden, or movies online.  It may not seem like much to the outer world and people will have their opinions.  That’s ok.  I’m very happy what I’m doing and grateful for the life I have.