Quick Check In

I was suppose to fly to Bangkok on March 25th.  Quite a lot has transpired in that time.  For one, I'm still in Ubud, Bali and I have no idea how long I will be here.  It looks like my itinerary is significantly going to change. However, I'm just not sure what that will look like right now.

I'm not going to stay to much as to why I'm still here. One of the reasons is my body said "NO" to moving on.  I will say that sometimes Life put's me in the places I need to be in rather than the places I want to be in.  Not to say I don't want to be in Bali right now, it's a very easy place to be, however, I didn't think my trip would take a sharp right turn.

I'm safe, and comfortable and doing ok.  Sorry to be so elusive right now.  It will take me a while to write what's happening.  Plus I'm still writing my "practical guide to Ubud".

I'm ok, and it's all good.

Thanks for your patience!!

Physical Resistance and Yoga

I’m not sure when I first heard about yoga, at least in it’s traditional eastern  sense.  Most westerners approach yoga from an egoic physical point of view, and do not connect with it’s deepest truth of interconnectedness with the life force of creation itself.  Some do, but most don’t.  What I do know is that the first time I heard about yoga I automatically resisted it.  I had many egoic judgments around yoga, thought it was wimpy and useless.  Really how could stretching and deep breathing really make a person healthier???   Fast forward 20 years and I’m beginning to see why I resisted a practice that will end up changing my physical life in ways I can’t even imagine yet.

Yoga really is psychotherapy for the body.  It helps to release and integrate the change we experience constantly in out daily lives.  It also helps to restore and balance our mind, heart and body when done properly.  I now understand why I avoided such a practice in my early life.  It’s much like the process I avoided when I first started therapy for my emotional well-being.  I did not want to touch the pain that was deep inside as I felt it would consume me and be to much for me to handle.  I didn’t understand the purpose of exposing myself and being vulnerable. I also didn’t understand that the Universe only gives you what you can handle and also the support you need to go through whatever it is you need to express.  You just need to be sincerious (sincere and serious) about your own personal development and give 100%.

What I’ve also learned is that our souls yearn for wholeness.  We all yearn for love, connection and wellness, which is inherently our birthright.  Yet we all fight against it everyday.  The very things we know will help us reach balance, happiness and enlightenment are the very things we avoid because of the way we have been conditioned.  This becomes our life struggle.  Many of us, myself included, do not listen deeply enough to our own need and many of us do not learn to say “no”.  If we cannot learn to say “no”, our yes’s mean nothing.

Back to yoga.  I resisted yoga, on an intellectual level, because it didn’t’ fit into my family system.  We were a family of hockey players and other intense aggressive sports.  Anything outside that realm was debased and ignored.  My brother did to karate for a while but it wasn’t for finding balance.  It was a way of fighting and protecting one’s self.  Much like my concealed love of psychology and all things esoteric, I was intrigued by the physical practices of yoga, tai chi, qi gong and other forms of eastern movement.  Yet every time I was what my opinions were of these practices I scoffed at them because I wanted to fit in with my family.  Yet I could feel my heart pounding behind my chest yelling “YES”!  I could also feel my body yelling even louder “FUCK NO”!!  The fear of releasing all the emotional pain and other physical trauma’s I’ve keep physically in my body was stronger than my will to change at that time.

When I started going to therapy, particularly when I was working with Brent, I thought that just being able to express myself in a healthy manner would be enough to heal me.  I thought that by allowing myself to be seen, vulnerable and supported, I would be able to be free of my fears and illnesses.  I thought that I could cure my MS through this practice. For the most part that is true.  I am much more healthier, mentally and emotionally than ever before.  I feel incredibly free and find the challenges of life much easier to deal with.  I fully understand that whatever happens in life “it’s all good”.  Meaning that all events in our lives are opportunities to excavate, explore, engage and evolve our consciousness.  Even during the worst moments of our lives we are shown where we need to surrender and let go of whatever it is that holds us back from fully engaging in the richness of life.

This was not an easy change to make. When I sinceriously starting to deepen into my authentic self, my ego resisted in every way possible.  I would skirt around issues, I would try other modalities of healing to avoid doing the real work that needed to be done.  Only to realize that I was continuing to fool myself thinking I was getting somewhere.  Yet I would end up in situations where I kept asking “why in hell does this keep happening to me”?  Duh, probably cause I hadn’t learned how to deal with it in a healthy productive way…avoidance was my game.  So I then I decided to stop fooling around and get down to business.

When I started meditating and particularly going on retreats, all sorts of things would start happening to prevent me from digging in my dirt and  begin stilling my heart and mind.  Before meditation retreats and intense weekend in my training program (I was studying at the Transpersonal Therapy Centre, see link on left hand side), I would lose my house keys, or get sick, or something would happen at work that I would use to make excuses not to go…it became a running joke when retreats or weekends would come up that disaster was looming in the air. The excuses I made up to avoid the fire of purification that this process brings on were endless.  However, I was able to push through the endless judgments and noise in my head to do what needed to be done.  Now I look forward to the days when I can spend in silence. However, I have yet to integrate this into a physical practice. 

Our bodies are the most dense part of our being and it takes a very long time to integrate any kind of change physically.  Hence any spiritual practice needs to be an integral one. Yoga literally means yolk, the essential part or inner core, and therefore needs to be integral practice combining all three elements. Mind, body and soul/heart.  If we are going to strive for wholeness all three need to be engaged.  We need to be able to release trauma and pain on a mental, emotional and physical level.  Although I’ve been doing quite a bit of work in helping my physical body incorporate love and light.  I haven’t been good at finding ways to allow the energy to flow through me.  This trapped energy is cause of my MS.  I have so much energy trapped inside of me that I’m short circuiting my nervous system.

Granted I’m doing much better than I was when I was first diagnosed.  I’ve never taken any traditional drugs for MS, aside from a few steroid treatments and I’ve stopped doing those as well.  Usually they put you on steroid for life.  Instead I’m deeply listening to what my body needs in every moment.  Whether it’s food, sleep, rest or motion, I do my best to meet my physical needs.  However, I have fallen short on the motion piece.

Much like when I first started therapy, I’ve tried quite a few types of movement thinking I can get away with not doing the real work and get physically better. Not to say that other modalities, such as dance, free movement, body sculptures haven’t helped.  They certainly have.  Especially massage and other forms of healing touch.  However, they have also fallen short.  Actually, since being diagnoses I’ve been afraid to move because I knew what I would have to deal with. However, my resistance to physical yoga is futile. 

Feeling the need for a deeper physical practice and no longer being able to resist it, I started doing yoga on Cortes Island.  In the 3 months I was there I managed to get 3 classes in and I cried at each one.  Most days, I made the same excuses as I did for my regular therapy.  I’m to tired, the time of the class wasn’t right, there something else that’s much more fun going on…on and on they went.  I’m paying for my fears now.

Had I started a yoga practice earlier, traveling wouldn’t have been so hard or scary.  The fear I first felt when I left affected me physically.  I felt tired and weak for the first month.  I was grateful for meeting Ellen and Carolyn as they both enjoyed hiking and encouraged me to keep moving.  But hiking isn’t enough.  It’s a very safe comfortable movement that doesn’t engage the whole body. The specific moves and postures of yoga have a away of getting into the nooks and crannies of all your joints, muscles, ligaments and organs.  Much like the mind and heart, pain and trauma are very good at hiding in places you would never think to look.  Therefore it is necessary to be very thorough and meticulous in your practice.

Ubud, Bali is a hot bed of yogic practices.  There are endless yoga studios and various forms of yoga here and with very cheap prices.  The studios are stunning to boot.  Most stone and or grass hut open air buildings with stunning views of valleys or rice fields.  It’s worth to go to class alone just for the view.  Even with all it’s beauty and peacefulness,  I’ve been running into the same resistant problems my mind and heart went through.  My body is totally resisting the work.  The first day I got lost.  Ubud is filled with footpaths and alleyways that are not always marked.  The second day the taxi brought me to the wrong studio and I missed the class.  I over slept one morning and yesterday I rolled my ankle on the way to class.  It’s funny that something that is sooooo beneficial is sooo damn hard to make happen.

Much like the retreats and weekend thought I’m pushing through.  I’ve made it to four classes and struggled through each one.  There are certain poses that hit areas of pain and I cry.  I don’t need to know the story behind the pain right now, it’s enough just to feel it and release it.  Most of the time there are no images, colours or thoughts.  Just raw emotion or sensations.  Each class there is a release and I’m feeling physically better each day.  I’m being really gentle with myself and pushing deeper beyond my edges each day.  I often leave with my body buzzing, my head aching and dizzy.  But after drinking tons of water and some rest my body feels more in balance.

I still have plenty of work to do…actually there is always work to be done.  I am enjoying the safety, peacefulness and warmth of Bali, letting it heal me in the same way Cortes did.  I’m already grateful for this experience.

OH SHITTT  I’M LATE FOR CLASS!!!! This is what I’m dealing with!!!!!

What's Up???

I was on my way to yoga today and rolled my ankle.  Ubud's sidewalks, when there is one, are not the most even, flat surfaces, and there are usually 2x3 drainage grates every 10 feet that one can easily get stuck in if your not watching where your going.  I was in a hurry for my class and caught a loose stone off the curb.

I've been keeping it elevated and staying off of it, however I can't ice it as ice doesn't stand a chance in 100 degree heat (no exaggeration with the heat).  It is feeling a bit better but still can't put to much pressure on it for long. So I may be held up in Bali for a while.  I'm doing alright and the family I'm staying with is great.

Then I just found out that my safari in Africa has been canceled due to unspecified reasons...

Ohh Universe....what are you up to???

Home in Ubud

My God I LOVE Bali!!  There have been very few places that I've visited so far that have felt like home.  Cortes Island and the west coast of Canada is one.  Ubud Bali is another.  There is something really magical about Bali.  I feel like I've really come into my skin here. After being in a different bed almost every single night since I began my travels in at the beginning of February I am staying put for 2 weeks.

When I arrived at Nirwa Homestay I immediately new this would be my home for the next two weeks.  I have no desire to see Lombok, or the Gili Islands as many people have suggested I do.  I will have my fill of beaches in Thailand.  No, Ubud is where I will stay and do day trips from here if I feel like it.  I want to get to know the culture, people and traditions.  I want to spend my days doing yoga (something I've avoided doing for years and I'll explain why soon), and hanging out with Madde, Ayu and their family.

For some reason, coming here feels like the beginning of my journey.  Hawaii, Fiji and New Zealand, were places to get my traveling legs moving so-to-speak.  I wasn't focused on anything other than overcoming fears and continuing to push my boundaries.  It was really hard to focus on anything else except for incorporating a new way of being.  Even though my experiences provided me with the material to grow, stretching my consciousness, heart and mind was all that I was able to do.  I was unable to truly appreciate all that was around me.

Taking baby steps into this journey, I feel that I wasn't really able to take in the richness and fullness of each place I went to.  However, I did get exactly what I needed to be able to comfortably relax into the rhythm of solo world travel.  People said it would happen and of course it has.  I feel much more at ease and really beginning to place more emphasis on other's rather than myself.  Meaning I'm able to explore other cultures more freely, rather than just sticking to other travelers and tourist destinations.  I'm more willing to go deeper into the places I'm in.  I'm less concerned about my egoic agenda and staying comfortable and safe (of course I'm not being silly and always aware that things can happen).  Traveling for me, is about opening to new experiences while discovering yourself at the same time.  It's easier for me let others in when I'm no so concerned about whatever perceived, irrational fears I have.

I will be here for Bali's New Year. I'm hoping to stay with Madde and his family, visit his village (his business is in Ubud, his family is elsewhere), experience traditional temple ceremonies, and experience what it is like to be a part of Balinese life.

Some photos posted, more to follow...

Traveling in the Land of the Kiwi

As my time in NZ comes to a close (actually it closed on the 10th) I thought I’d right more practical stuff. For those interested in traveling to New Zealand, 3 weeks is not nearly enough time.  I suggest a minimum of 3 months or longer.  If you want to see both islands, you will spend most of your time in a car and in a different place every night if you choose a shorter stay.  You’ll have to limit your tramping (hiking, not prostituting yourself) to 1 or 2 hours treks.  It truly is an outdoor enthusiasts paradise.  There is no shortage of trails, sails, or rails on both islands.  From bungee-jumping, sky-diving, hot-air ballooning, horseback riding…I can keep going but I’m sure you get the picture. 

The best way to see NZ is to hire a campervan (check out Escape's gallery), which there is absolutely no shortage of.  As a matter of fact I think NZ’s economy depends on these little gems.  I counted at least 12 different companies before I gave up.  Hired vehicles here are like clothing.  They have one for every shape, size and need.  If you want to travel slowly but comfy you can get one of the larger campers, that have it’s own toilet and shower.  If you want more of the hippy look you can rent from Escape,  all come with their own cool custom paint job (photos to be posted of these ones soon), and are a little  more rustic.  Picture a VW van from the 60’s.  Or you can do what Carolyn and I did and rented the Super Value, which was almost the same size as me.  Our little Toyota Starlette was a super little bug that fit the two of us and out gear perfectly.  Unfortunately we didn’t have enough room for hitchhikers though.  Most hitchers are tourists on a very tight budget and safe to pick up.  We ran into a Canadian couple at the Lazy Cow Hostel that were even hitch-hiking carrying an inflatable kayak!  Yep on a Canuck would buy a boat before renting a car.

Accommodation…If your traveling on a budge and don’t want to rent a camper (petrol, like everything else in NZ is outrageously expensive…NOTE…if traveling to the glaciers fill up in Franz Joseph instead of Fox.  Fox has the most expensive gas in the country, usually 30 cents more than anywhere else), and decide to see a few places, hostels are the way to go.  Even if you want your own private room it’s still cheaper than your average hotel/motel.  Plus you have the option of cooking for yourself.  On average, including breakfasts, your looking at minimum $20 a meal.  Multiply that by at least 2 times a day and you’ll seriously go over your intended budget.  Not only is the food expensive, it’s not that great.  The places we did eat out were average or below.  Even most local agree with the lack of good restaurants.

Back to the hostels.  The average price for a 4 dorm (4 people per room) is around $22 to $28 a night.  You don’t see much of your roommates as most people are out and about.  I never had any problems with people yet in any of the hostels I’ve stayed in.  Most have lockers that you can store your stuff in as well so you don’t have to worry about things being taken.  I was actually amazed at the number of older people staying in hostels. 

I joined the YHA (Youth Hostel Association, don’t let the name fool you) for $40 as being a member reduces the rates by about $5.  If you know your going to be staying in hostels it’s a good thing to do.  Plus it’s international so you can use it anywhere in the world for a year.

Most hostels we stayed in where small and very family oriented.  Most travelers, unless staying for more than 3 nights, are not partiers, so you don’t have to put up with drunken young people.  At least I didn’t.  Before traveling I had a very negative image of hostels.  Partly because of the name, also because narcissistically, I thought I was above and beyond them.  I’m sure there are not so good ones out there, however, my experience of them has changed my way of thinking of them.  I’m grateful they exists.  Plus you get to meet really cool people and find out where all the good places to visit, eat and sleep are.  They are a wealth of information.

Must see places:

North Island

Bay of Islands on the east coast.  Don’t go though unless you like being on the water.  A sailor’s paradise.  You can only get a true sense of the islands unless your amongst them.  If you don’t have your own boat, I suggest a smaller company with a smaller boat.  We sailed with She’s A Lady.  Only 10 of us with a very intelligent, witty, and very sexy skipper.  As it’s a small vessel, your often asked to help out.  Don’t worry about experience…I had none and I was able to assist, albeit I couldn’t keep the boat straight, however I did discover I love sailing.

Tongariro National Park.  Who doesn’t love volcano’s.  Beautiful landscapes and hiking trails.  I would have love to have done the crossing, but time, didn’t permit it, which is why if I go back to NZ  I will be more than happy to spend at least 4 days there.

LakeTaupo:  Again, beautiful terrain, lot’s to see and do there on the lake.

Also the most northern tip of the island.  Only because I didn’t get to go there and heard it’s stunning.

Wellington…Much hipper than Auckland. A very artsy, crafty and very hilly city.  It has a good vibe and tons of stuff to do.  The rather annoying thing about Welly,  actually New Zealand as a country, is that everything closes very early.  Like 5 to 6 pm early.  Most of the time it’s not an exact number, usually on the shorter side of the designated closing time.  When someone says their closing at 5, they mean they are at home by 5.  Unlike North America where 5 usually means still working at 7:30.  God knows how anything gets done in NZ.

SouthIsland

Definitely Arthur’s Pass.  The main reason is it’s the only place I felt some form of life there.  Or perhaps it’s because it reminded me of home.  I’m not sure.  There are things I would love to do there especially the Cave Stream.  Hiking for 30 minutes through the cave in sometimes waste deep water seems very appealing.

Takaka and Able Tasman’s National Park…is home to the worlds longest spit due to the severity of the low tides and the blowing sand that is making it larger by the minute.  Farewell Spit is 27 kms and growing.  If you look at a map of the South Island, it looks like a very long talon extending into the Cook Straight.   Plus the Whangunui Inlet is a stunning beach surrounded by lovely sand dunes. Word of warning…if it is windy, be prepared to literally be sand blasted.  I’m still picking sand out of unseen places.

We didn’t make it to the far south so by default Milford Sound/ Fiordland National Park make the list.  As well as Stewart Island.

We didn’t make it to Queenstown either.  I would love to go there for the hot air balloon festival to see the land from above.

New Zealand is truly an outdoor enthusiasts paradise if you love the outdoors your sure to love the land of Kiwi’s.  Just be prepared to pay for it.  I would definitely like to go back for at least 3 months and camp my way through it spending a little more time in each place.  I’m grateful though that I got to see more the island than I intended to.  And I’m glad to leave wanting to see more.

New Zeland Photos

There are new photos up for New Zealand.  I will continue to add more when I get better internet connection.  Enjoy!  Click on the Flickr link to the left or click here .

Hugs!!

New Zealand

New Zealand is bloody expensive!!!  The average price of a meal out is $20 and a t-shirt $50.  If you are planning on visiting NZ be prepared to shell out some dough!

Driving on the left side of the road is a little challenging.  For the first few days, I played a few games of chicken before realizing that I was still in North American driving mode.  Thankfully there isn’t many cars on the road here.  Actually most of the traffic on the roads are camper vans and other tourists learning the rules of the road as well.

Other than the price of things here NZ is a little strange.  Once you get past the fact that the entire North Island and a good portion of the South Island have been totally clear cut from all it’s timber, it’s beauty starts to come through.  However it does look like a large scale diorama.  Instead of replanting native trees, they brought in pine trees because they have shorter growth cycles, and planted them in perfect little rows. Where they didn’t replant has become pastures for the numerous cows and sheep.  So most of NZ looks like a fifties move set.  Too perfect and not enough ruggedness.   The South Island is were most of the parks are and still have maintained it’s natural beauty.

One thing I have really learned about myself is how much I love the ocean!  I know that wherever I live it will have to be near it.  Preferably an island.  I went sailing for the first time and LOVED IT!!  For some reason I didn’t  think I would.  My God, the freedom of being on open water is phenomenal!!

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My initial goal for NZ was to volunteer for accommodation and food.  However, a woman I met in Hawaii, Carolyn, emailed me saying she was coming to NZ and wanted to know if I wanted to travel with her.  She is quite lovely and the two of us get along really well.  She is a photographer doing a project on areas effected by climate change.  Her project is called the Witness Tree. 

It’s been wonderful traveling with someone.  Again, I’m finding that I’m never really alone and always meeting people to hang out with.  The one down side to this is I haven’t been meditating and taking time out for personal space.  I’m really noticing the affects of this.  I’m feeling good for the most part.  Integrating the constant flow of change is a little challenging.

I’m able to stay present and aware and magical things happening have resulted from this.  However my energy level is a little low.  Not so much physically, although I do find that I’m pretty wiped out at the end of each day.  I feel that in some ways I’m either holding myself back from fully engaging in the world around me or just so busy integrating all that is happening that anything else is just too much.  I’m having a good time, and loving seeing the sights but there still feels like something is missing. Yet I know nothing is missing at all. 

I’m still discovering who I am and what I’m about.  Constantly pushing beyond comfortable boundaries and pushing myself in ways that I never needed to before.  Yet, I feel more and more comfortable traveling.  Even India doesn’t seem as frightening because I know I’ll end up travelling with someone or a group of people.  And even if I don’t I feel I can handle the pressures that traveling brings.

Letting go of being in constant contact with home is also getting easier.  I thought it would be easy to connect with people more frequently.  I’m realizing what a privileged system we have in North America for communications.  NZ gets their internet from Australia from and underwater cable.  The cable is to small and limits the bandwidth and the amount of data one can use.  So internet here is very, very expensive. No free café’s anywhere.  Hostels charge $10 a day or $4 for half and hour. 

  

Even if I had regular internet access, I know that I still wouldn’t be online often.  The whole idea behind traveling is to get out there!  To meet new people and move forward in life.  Not that I’m leaving my friends permanently, but, with moving on, contact between friends and family becomes less and less.  I’m still here for everyone and I know people back home are still there for me.  My heart is full of their love and therefore I and they haven’t really gone anywhere.  It makes it hard to be present and learn new things though when I’m constantly thinking of staying in contact.   I will also say that I’ve been terrible at sending post cards.  I buy them then get busy then tired to send them…  I am thinking of all you though!

Once again I’m grateful for this blog so I can share my experiences with everyone.  So I apologize for not staying in contact more personally with some of you. 

My Godmother asked me if traveling was what I hoped it would be.  It’s a great question.  The answer to that is yes and no.  Traveling in the way that I am, is both stressful and relaxing.  It’s lonely and connective.  It’s not as romantic as I thought it would be.  It’s exhilarating, engrossing and exciting, and yet keeping up with all the information and experiences leaves me often overwhelmed and tired.  Integrating everything takes it toll on me and yet I don’t want it to stop.  I haven’t been journaling or taking notes as much as I would like because it feels like its way to much.  However, I’m already forgetting some of the places I’ve been to because there is just sooooo much to take in.  I’m learning though as I go and doing my best to incorporate some practices that will be of benefit (like taking notes). 

I now have a system for packing!!!  YEAY!!  Even with all the info that people gave me for packing, it really is a personal journey.  One thing that I will pass on is buy dry bags and different sized ones.  They are great for compressing clothing and will keep them dry in very humid climates.  Plus you can use them for day bags at the beach.  Thumbs up to Carolyn for getting me on to them!

Anyway today is a beautiful day and I must get outside!  My love to you all.  Photos of NZ will be posted soon!

Settling In

I’m settling in to life on the road and traveling is getting easier.  I’m getting use to moving around, not staying one place for a long time and meeting numerous people from all over the world.  Actually mainly Germans. 

Fijiwas a culture shock.  I’m glad I started there because even though there was much poverty, Fijians will give you the clothes off their backs if you are getting a little too sunburned.  They are the most selfless people I’ve met thus far and very, very beautiful esthetically as well.

After I left my initial accommodations and found a couch to surf on, I felt much better about being in Fiji.  Staying with Diane was wonderful.  I became much more relaxed and felt safer being in the company of other people.  Meeting some of the locals gave me a better perspective on Fijian life.  Diane rented the basement of her home out to two twin brothers, Phillip and Tofu. They were from one of the low land nation islands but I can’t think of the name of it right not.  They were fire dances and craftsmen.  Both worked in the backpacker resorts entertaining and providing activities for guests.  Incredibly sweet talented men.  I hung out with them when I was staying at Diane’s and I went to Mana Island in the Yasawa’s with Phillip for a couple of days.  He was working at the backpackers I stayed at.  Again it was nice to have someone with me who knew the ways of the land and culture.

I didn’t make it to far inland in Fiji.  I here that the mountains and rivers are something to see.  Instead I headed out to the YasawaIslands for a couple of days.  The group of Islands are stunning and extremely warm.  It was so warm that even the ocean felt soupy.  Mana Island is a village island.  The village was behind the backpackers place.  I felt incredibly guilty for being there.  These people have next to nothing and live very simply.  Here I was taking one of the best buildings to sleep in and eating food that most couldn’t afford.  Yet most of them seemed to be very happy.  I didn’t get over the guilt, but each day I felt extremely grateful for the opportunities and things that I have.  I will say that it was fun to play with the local kids.  They hung out with me and a woman I met who was from the States.

Fiji was beautiful and an eye opener.  I feel a little bit more prepared for places like Thailand and India.