I’m not sure when I first heard about yoga, at least in it’s traditional eastern sense. Most westerners approach yoga from an egoic physical point of view, and do not connect with it’s deepest truth of interconnectedness with the life force of creation itself. Some do, but most don’t. What I do know is that the first time I heard about yoga I automatically resisted it. I had many egoic judgments around yoga, thought it was wimpy and useless. Really how could stretching and deep breathing really make a person healthier??? Fast forward 20 years and I’m beginning to see why I resisted a practice that will end up changing my physical life in ways I can’t even imagine yet.
Yoga really is psychotherapy for the body. It helps to release and integrate the change we experience constantly in out daily lives. It also helps to restore and balance our mind, heart and body when done properly. I now understand why I avoided such a practice in my early life. It’s much like the process I avoided when I first started therapy for my emotional well-being. I did not want to touch the pain that was deep inside as I felt it would consume me and be to much for me to handle. I didn’t understand the purpose of exposing myself and being vulnerable. I also didn’t understand that the Universe only gives you what you can handle and also the support you need to go through whatever it is you need to express. You just need to be sincerious (sincere and serious) about your own personal development and give 100%.
What I’ve also learned is that our souls yearn for wholeness. We all yearn for love, connection and wellness, which is inherently our birthright. Yet we all fight against it everyday. The very things we know will help us reach balance, happiness and enlightenment are the very things we avoid because of the way we have been conditioned. This becomes our life struggle. Many of us, myself included, do not listen deeply enough to our own need and many of us do not learn to say “no”. If we cannot learn to say “no”, our yes’s mean nothing.
Back to yoga. I resisted yoga, on an intellectual level, because it didn’t’ fit into my family system. We were a family of hockey players and other intense aggressive sports. Anything outside that realm was debased and ignored. My brother did to karate for a while but it wasn’t for finding balance. It was a way of fighting and protecting one’s self. Much like my concealed love of psychology and all things esoteric, I was intrigued by the physical practices of yoga, tai chi, qi gong and other forms of eastern movement. Yet every time I was what my opinions were of these practices I scoffed at them because I wanted to fit in with my family. Yet I could feel my heart pounding behind my chest yelling “YES”! I could also feel my body yelling even louder “FUCK NO”!! The fear of releasing all the emotional pain and other physical trauma’s I’ve keep physically in my body was stronger than my will to change at that time.
When I started going to therapy, particularly when I was working with Brent, I thought that just being able to express myself in a healthy manner would be enough to heal me. I thought that by allowing myself to be seen, vulnerable and supported, I would be able to be free of my fears and illnesses. I thought that I could cure my MS through this practice. For the most part that is true. I am much more healthier, mentally and emotionally than ever before. I feel incredibly free and find the challenges of life much easier to deal with. I fully understand that whatever happens in life “it’s all good”. Meaning that all events in our lives are opportunities to excavate, explore, engage and evolve our consciousness. Even during the worst moments of our lives we are shown where we need to surrender and let go of whatever it is that holds us back from fully engaging in the richness of life.
This was not an easy change to make. When I sinceriously starting to deepen into my authentic self, my ego resisted in every way possible. I would skirt around issues, I would try other modalities of healing to avoid doing the real work that needed to be done. Only to realize that I was continuing to fool myself thinking I was getting somewhere. Yet I would end up in situations where I kept asking “why in hell does this keep happening to me”? Duh, probably cause I hadn’t learned how to deal with it in a healthy productive way…avoidance was my game. So I then I decided to stop fooling around and get down to business.
When I started meditating and particularly going on retreats, all sorts of things would start happening to prevent me from digging in my dirt and begin stilling my heart and mind. Before meditation retreats and intense weekend in my training program (I was studying at the Transpersonal Therapy Centre, see link on left hand side), I would lose my house keys, or get sick, or something would happen at work that I would use to make excuses not to go…it became a running joke when retreats or weekends would come up that disaster was looming in the air. The excuses I made up to avoid the fire of purification that this process brings on were endless. However, I was able to push through the endless judgments and noise in my head to do what needed to be done. Now I look forward to the days when I can spend in silence. However, I have yet to integrate this into a physical practice.
Our bodies are the most dense part of our being and it takes a very long time to integrate any kind of change physically. Hence any spiritual practice needs to be an integral one. Yoga literally means yolk, the essential part or inner core, and therefore needs to be integral practice combining all three elements. Mind, body and soul/heart. If we are going to strive for wholeness all three need to be engaged. We need to be able to release trauma and pain on a mental, emotional and physical level. Although I’ve been doing quite a bit of work in helping my physical body incorporate love and light. I haven’t been good at finding ways to allow the energy to flow through me. This trapped energy is cause of my MS. I have so much energy trapped inside of me that I’m short circuiting my nervous system.
Granted I’m doing much better than I was when I was first diagnosed. I’ve never taken any traditional drugs for MS, aside from a few steroid treatments and I’ve stopped doing those as well. Usually they put you on steroid for life. Instead I’m deeply listening to what my body needs in every moment. Whether it’s food, sleep, rest or motion, I do my best to meet my physical needs. However, I have fallen short on the motion piece.
Much like when I first started therapy, I’ve tried quite a few types of movement thinking I can get away with not doing the real work and get physically better. Not to say that other modalities, such as dance, free movement, body sculptures haven’t helped. They certainly have. Especially massage and other forms of healing touch. However, they have also fallen short. Actually, since being diagnoses I’ve been afraid to move because I knew what I would have to deal with. However, my resistance to physical yoga is futile.
Feeling the need for a deeper physical practice and no longer being able to resist it, I started doing yoga on Cortes Island. In the 3 months I was there I managed to get 3 classes in and I cried at each one. Most days, I made the same excuses as I did for my regular therapy. I’m to tired, the time of the class wasn’t right, there something else that’s much more fun going on…on and on they went. I’m paying for my fears now.
Had I started a yoga practice earlier, traveling wouldn’t have been so hard or scary. The fear I first felt when I left affected me physically. I felt tired and weak for the first month. I was grateful for meeting Ellen and Carolyn as they both enjoyed hiking and encouraged me to keep moving. But hiking isn’t enough. It’s a very safe comfortable movement that doesn’t engage the whole body. The specific moves and postures of yoga have a away of getting into the nooks and crannies of all your joints, muscles, ligaments and organs. Much like the mind and heart, pain and trauma are very good at hiding in places you would never think to look. Therefore it is necessary to be very thorough and meticulous in your practice.
Ubud, Bali is a hot bed of yogic practices. There are endless yoga studios and various forms of yoga here and with very cheap prices. The studios are stunning to boot. Most stone and or grass hut open air buildings with stunning views of valleys or rice fields. It’s worth to go to class alone just for the view. Even with all it’s beauty and peacefulness, I’ve been running into the same resistant problems my mind and heart went through. My body is totally resisting the work. The first day I got lost. Ubud is filled with footpaths and alleyways that are not always marked. The second day the taxi brought me to the wrong studio and I missed the class. I over slept one morning and yesterday I rolled my ankle on the way to class. It’s funny that something that is sooooo beneficial is sooo damn hard to make happen.
Much like the retreats and weekend thought I’m pushing through. I’ve made it to four classes and struggled through each one. There are certain poses that hit areas of pain and I cry. I don’t need to know the story behind the pain right now, it’s enough just to feel it and release it. Most of the time there are no images, colours or thoughts. Just raw emotion or sensations. Each class there is a release and I’m feeling physically better each day. I’m being really gentle with myself and pushing deeper beyond my edges each day. I often leave with my body buzzing, my head aching and dizzy. But after drinking tons of water and some rest my body feels more in balance.
I still have plenty of work to do…actually there is always work to be done. I am enjoying the safety, peacefulness and warmth of Bali, letting it heal me in the same way Cortes did. I’m already grateful for this experience.
OH SHITTT I’M LATE FOR CLASS!!!! This is what I’m dealing with!!!!!
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