Fear

Fear is a strange thing.  I've learned over the years the very things I fear the most, often bring the most growth and gold when I face them.  Meaning when I'm brave enough to face my fears, I find out that there was no need to be scared in the first place.  Once I face whatever fear I'm avoiding, I feel much better and more alive and in control of my life for having done so.

There is a saying that states, the more you resist something, the more it persists.  I know that in the past the more I've tried to avoid something or someone, the more the universe seems to shove them, or similar situations in my face.  I have often said or have heard numerous people say "why does this keep happening to me?"...Well, probably because I/you haven't learned to address the situation with authenticity, courage and heart and I/you are constantly being given the opportunity to step fully into life in order to mature.  Life is brilliantly designed this way as it is the only way we grow and evolve.

I bring this up for many reasons.  The first, in my last post I wasn't completely honest.  Even though I am on a similar yet different path than Brent,  I'm still scared to climb all the way to where I know I need to go.  This has become more and more apparent to me the more the experience of climbing that mountain integrates into my psyche.  I realized the more clear and still in my heart and mind I get, I also get more lax and lazy in my spiritual practice, convincing myself that where I am is far enough.  Meaning getting close but not quite breaking through into awakening. My heart knows better though.  This is the time when I need to be more fierce and disciplined in my practice. It is the same reason why so many teams or people fail just before they reach their professional best.  The relax to soon thinking that the prize, or promotion is in the bag, only to realize that they have fallen short and lost the game or raise.  I fell short on the mountain.

I'm getting lax and too comfortable with my current living situation. How do I know this?  I'm getting scared about traveling.  Every time I sit down to do some planning, I get distracted or put it off.  The closer I get to making concrete plans for leaving, the more I avoid doing anything at all and not just planning my trip.  I've made every excuse in the book.  I'm tired, the internet connection is slow, I have wait for money to be transfered...on and on it goes.  I'm excited to have this opportunity and yet, I also feel much safer looking a places in photographs rather than experiencing them first hand.

What is the fear?  Well, the very fact that I've never done anything like this before and going way beyond my comfort zone is a good place to start.  I have no idea what to expect and jumping into the unknown is still rather frightening.  I know there are dangers to be aware of while traveling alone, getting lost, running out of money, having money/passport stolen...the fear I'm experiencing though is completely irrational.  The root fear is egoic annihilation, which of course is what awakening is all about.  But the ego interprets awakening as physical death and therefore does everything in it's power to avoid any kind of transformation.  The ego doesn't get this and wants to hang on to comfort and security so anything outside that zone will be a threat to it and avoids it at all costs.  This whole situation is what keeps most people from truly loving and living...a perceived threat.  The ego can no longer tell the difference between what is real and what isn't.

I had a similar experience when it came time to study for anything.  School for me was very traumatizing when I was younger.  I was teased often and the message I received was that I was a stupid little girl who couldn't do anything. So I didn't even try.  Later in life when I wanted to learn something new, I knew I was smart, however, when it came down to producing any kind of paper or research, I froze in fear.  I automatically assumed I was going to fail and be teased for my work.  I had absolutely no self-confidence. It took a very good friend of mine to sit down with me while I wrote a paper to over come this fear.  As we went through the material, I shook, I cried, I thought she would call me stupid and leave, I thought many many things that were not real or true.  I had to go through the pain in order over come that old egoic structure that keep me from learning for fear of being ridiculed and abandoned.  At the end of the ordeal, I finished my paper, she was still there and happy to be so, we had a great,  empowering, intelligent conversation and I could honestly say I felt, smarter, stronger and ready for the next project.  I still have to work at this to this day as uncovering many many layers of outdated conditioning takes time and patience.  I'm much better at now though and I'm not even afraid to make mistakes.

Traveling is presenting the same fear for me.  Traveling and living a different life from what I grew up with seemed exotic and I was told it wasn't possible for someone like me.  Now I'm not that naive to think that real threat and danger doesn't exist in the world, particularity for a single, white female traveling alone.  There will be precautions I will take. However, what my ego is doing is exaggerating this fear to the point of paralyzation and I'm preventing myself from even pre-planning.  Even taking the initial steps seems to much at times and I abandon any thoughts of globe trotting.  But if I don't open up to this experience, I won't be able to fully open myself to any kind of real transformation because I will always fall short. Something I'm tired of doing, particularly in following my dreams/passions, and in relationships. Thankfully, I know the only way through this is to  take the risk and just do it.  To be open to any experience is to be open to life.  To close myself off from experience because of fear, is lose the very richness life has to offer and to remain asleep.  No thanks... I want to live and love fully.

So, the next time someone asks me if I know what my plans are for leaving the continent, I'm hoping to have a more concrete reply.  If you hear me say, "Ummmm....I don't know.  That is a fear based response and I'm still stuck.  So at that point, you can then either take the Zen approach, slap me to bring me back to reality and tell me to get over myself, or be gentle, offer me some advise and a hug and tell me it's all good.  Either way will be perfect for the moment....cause at the end of the day...it is all good and timing is everything ;-)

In addition....gotta love synchronicity.  I received this Daily Om  (click on the link) a few days after this posting.  I love it when I'm in tune with the Universe.  ;-)