Climb Every Mountain

When I first started traveling I thought it would be a pilgrimage.  A chance to step away from the norm, explore, expand and evolve. It’s actually turned out to be more of a vision quest.  Digging deeper into my psyche, shedding light on to the places where darkness still resides within me and continually shedding old belief patters and ways of being.

There are certain places on this earth that have a way of calling me to them, knowing exactly what I need in order to evolve and transform.  Cortes was one of them.  Ubud is another. As I stated in my last post, when I arrived here my I knew I needed to slow down and take a rest and my body confirmed that for me.

Since being here I have been going through the worst relapse of MS that I’ve ever had.  For the last 3 weeks I haven’t been able to feel sensations in my left leg or my right arm and the right side of my head and face. I can’t feel the difference in temperature, say with water, and my skin is hypersensitive.  Spatial recognition is also a problem with my leg and arm.  Typing and writing has been difficult, as has eating as I can’t feel food in the right side of my mouth.  Walking, particularly on the uneven sidewalks of Ubud is challenging.  I’ve also felt extreme exhaustion.

I know that my symptoms are a direct result of facing deeply buried fears.  Not wanting to fully feel my experience by still protecting myself against completely opening my heart to my ever changing lifestyle and moving forward in realizing my dreams.  I’m still falling short in expressing and putting out into the world what I really want.  The closer I get to my truth the more by body contracts into it’s dis-ease.  However, that in it’self is the cure.  I know when my body responds like this, I am pushing through the dense darkness and creating space for light and love.  So I know I will get worst before I get better.  A friend of mine recently sent me this quote by Neale Donald Walsh..

"Life begins at the end of your Comfort Zone. So if you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending."

I am feeling physically uncomfortable indeed.  And I know it is my body adapting to change.  I will get better over time by being open to the present moment and not my preferences. As a result of doing some deep healing here, I’ve had to cancel the rest of my trip to allow for space to integrate all the change I’m going through.  I also realized that in some way I was traveling for other people and not me.  Some of the places I was going to was because someone said I should check them out.  Not because I was really interested in going to them. 

As it stands, I’m going to stay in Ubud until I feel better and I get a cue or clue that it’s time for me to move on.  I’m not sure if that means going home or going to another destination, or where that destination will be.  In some ways, I’m a little disappointed that my original itinerary has been dismantled.  I felt like I failed to some degree.  I felt disappointed that my body seemingly failed and that I was suddenly limited as to what I could do and were I can go. However, it is truly a blessing in disguise.   Being in Ubud has helped me regain control of my physical being.

How…continuing to stay in gentle motion by doing yoga, dancing and cycling and staying in relationship with the beautiful people I’ve been meeting as well as those from home.  The biggest contributor however, was being lured to Mt. Batur. (I seem to be on the volcano tour.  First Pele and her sisters in Hawaii, and although I didn’t visit the ones in Fiji I was very aware of their presence, then Tongariro in New Zealand and now Mt.Batur). 

I read about Mt. Batur on the plane from NZ.  This journalist described his journey to the mountain to watch the sunrise.  I though it would be lovely to see it but even then thought that I wouldn’t be able to physically do it.  So I put the idea in the back of my mind.  Also, the one thing I’ve learned about my life journey is that in order to connect with sacred places and spaces I need to either ask permission in meditation or to wait to be invited.  If the answer was no then I respect it and don’t judge it. If the answer was yes or if there was an invitation then to accept it without question.  A month went by before the volcano called me.  I came home one night and Made, the owner of the home-stay I’m in, asked if I wanted to do the sunrise trek up the volcano with some of the other guests.  He was sitting below a photo of the mountain and I knew I had to do it. This meant getting up at 2:30 am and climbing the mountain in the dark to see the sun come up. Knowing I was being called I said ok. 

When we arrived at the mountain, the full moon was out and it was a lovely early morning.  We couldn’t see the mountain as the top was covered in mist.  This was a good thing because if I saw what I was about to get myself into I would have turned around.  So on I went.  It was a 2 hour trek and about a quarter of the way in, not even on the steep slope yet, I began having doubts.  What the hell was I doing?  I had no right to be doing this in the condition I was in.  I could already feel my body getting heavy with protest.

We stopped for a bit and I looked at my friend Christina and said this was a very bad idea for me.  She said not to worry, we have plenty of time, I’ll be fine.  My mind and heart was full of determination and my body was screaming NOOOOOOO!  On I went.  We got to the base of the mountain and you could see other tourists lights  heading vertically up the slope, they looked like stars climging into the sky to take their position for the night.  I involuntarily stopped, my body freezing in fear.  I had tears in my eyes, remembering times when I took such journeys like this for granted.  It seemed like my days of enjoying nature in the way I use to be able to was over.  All of a sudden out of the darkness, our guide, Adit, gently took my hand offering support.  I could feel my will starting to build and new I wasn’t alone.  I had support in Adit as well as Christina behind me.  I could also feel the volcano itself lending me its unwavering strength. I concentrated hard on my movement.  My body shook and shuttered.  I kept imaging my body strong and healthy, envisioning light and love coursing through all my cells.

At one point I felt that that was it.  I couldn’t go on.  I said that I would stay were I was and watch the sunset from here.  Adit kindly said that I wouldn’t see it from where I was.  Again, he reached out and took my hand.  Christina offering words of encouragement from behind.  I felt like I was physically going to die.  I had tears streaming down my cheeks and started praying for help.  The all of a sudden, something in my body shattered.  I suddenly felt lighter and stronger.  It felt like I did physically die, or rather I shed a skin like a snake would, or a caterpillar that finally became a butterfly and started flying.  Energy wildly surged through my body and I had more control over my movements.  I still had to struggle but somehow I felt…great.

Adit kept counting down the minutes.  Almost there.  Five more minutes…One more minute.  Then I looked up and suddenly we were there!  I made it!! I sat down and started to cry.  I can’t fucking believe I just climbed a mountain!  Something in my being significantly shifted.  I sat there and watched the dawning of a new day, a new way, a new life.  I felt fragile, vulnerable and strong all at the same time.  

Carly Jung had once said that the most powerful thing in the Universe is human will. In that moment I knew that statement to be utterly and completely true. I had a deep knowing that if I put my heart, mind and soul to something I could do anything.  If I sincerely put in 100% effort than there is no way I could fail at anything.  Support would always be there in the form of Grace.  Everything is possible and I am free to do anything.

And then I realized, shit…I gotta get off this mountain!  So after a bit of breakfast, and a look around the crater of the volcano. I bowed deeply to the wisdom of the mountain and earth and started down the steep slope.

It was more difficult going down than up even though we now had the light of day.  Gravity is pretty strong and I wasn’t use to my new and already fatigued legs.  Once again, Adit stretched out his hand for support.  There were a few times that my legs gave out and when they did Christina was there to help me up and move on.  Every once in a while I would turn around and look back.  I still couldn’t believe that I climbed up a volcano and yet I now understood why I needed to do it.

I wasn’t going to let MS control my life.  I was no longer going to use it as an excuse not to do things or get out of things I needed to do.  I decided I was going to be strong and healthy.  This doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to listen to my body anymore.  On the contrary, it means I will listen to my body more deeply.  Not the dis-ease, but the inherent wisdom that the body has and how it knows  what it needs to be healthy and strong.  I was no longer going to override it’s natural rhythms and messages.  I finally decided to fully show up in my life and take the driver seat and not let any situation go by without fully experiencing it on all levels.

When I got back home I immediately went to bed.  I slept for a few hours and then rested for in an altered state of consciousness for the rest of the day and night. My body needed time to recuperate and integrate this new state of being.  I also knew that this process would take a couple of weeks to fully integrate itself.  The next day, even though my body was incredibly stiff and soar as hell, I knew I had to move it in order to not relapse into contraction.  So, I went for a massage.

As I was still quite weak from the trek, I had absolutely no physical resistance what-so-ever to the deep tissue massage I was receiving.  I felt like a piece of bubble-wrap.  My masseuse applied pressure in spots I didn’t no I even existed popping an releasing trapped energy with ease.  I lay there breathing deeply into her touch letting her readjust my muscles, ligaments and energy centres into there proper places.  At one point I couldn’t tell the difference between her or me.  My body felt like water, liquidy and soft, flowing naturally in rhythm to my breathing and her touch.  When she was done I had a very hard time getting up and walking.  She guided me to a couch where I rested and drank ginger tea.  When I was able to, I then went to see a friend at his café and he gave me coconut water and an ayurvedic drink that stabilized my energy.  I felt bloody fantastic!!

Since then I’ve been doing restorative yoga, eating raw food and being really gentle with myself.  I’m still experiencing some symptoms of MS and I know that I still have work to do.  I’m taking as much time as I need to recover and once again Ubud is the perfect place to BE.  So why move.

I am eternally grateful to Adit, Christina, John and Tim for their support and wisdom.  I bow in deep gratitude to the Divine Life Force and Mt Batur for challenging me and calling me to step up and release my deepest fears.

OK…next post on the wonders of Ubud and Bali…I promise!

It's never lonely at the top

Sunrise from Mt. Batur

On Top of the World...And a brand new day.

My faithful guide Adit and me.  

Me and Christina

Mt. Batur.  We climbed to the rim of the crater on the right hand
side.  Some daring souls made it to the peak.  I still can't believe I  made it up there!!

Challenges

One week in to my trip and I’m feeling transformed already.  Although I was in Hawaii, it was a tough start.  It’s hard to put into words the process I am still going though.  It’s amazing how resistant I am to severe change.  All I wanted to do when I got to Hawaii was go home.  Even after meeting Ellen and exploring the absolute beauty of the Big Island of Hawaii, I would still wake up in the mornings wanting to be back in Canada.  Actually I wanted someone to be with me to help take the edge off.  It’s the first time in a long time that I felt incredibly lonely.

These feelings gradually started to go away as I keep physically busy.  I also let the energy of the Island peel away my resistance and let it support me.  What I found funny was that when I got to Cortes, most people felt peace and joy and I was dismantled and eventually came to peace.  When I got to Hawaii, I felt Pele welcome and hold me where as others were being dismantled.  Even though I felt welcomed there, Hawaii challenged me physically.  Ellen a wonderful Canadian/America woman I met at the hostel, was a climber and very physically fit.  Within a day of being with her I knew that I entered some kind of boot camp to get into shape.

Some of the hikes we did were very physically demanding.  I knew that I was being tested physically and that it was important that I push myself as hard as I could.  Thankfully, not only was Ellen physical fit, she was incredibly supportive and encouraging.  I knew that I needed to get in better shape if I am to travel the world.  I needed to learn to contain and control the energy that is going through my body and not fear it.  When I get scared I don't want to move and it creates many problems for me physically, mentally and emotionally.  As I hiked, swam and kayaked, I had to really focus on my breathing, allowing all my experience to be fully integrated and not to dissociate from the feelings I was having. 

It wasn’t just the physical activity that helped me move through my fears. The Big Island of Hawaii is a magnificent island geologically in the fact that it is still being born.  The active volcanoes are creating new land almost daily.  What is interesting is that even though eruptions have devastated the land, it is creating land at the same time.  Much of the ground is volcanic rock and ash and you can feel the life force shifting under your feet.  But, then as you look around you start to see life.  Green life, emerging out of black, baked hardening rock.  It’s absolutely phenomenal to see the birth of the earth, creation itself at work.  After watching the news and seeing the destruction that man is doing to our Mother Gaia, to come to Hawaii and see and feel the living, breathing force of the planet we live on gave me a renewed sense of hope.  This planet IS ALIVE and you can witness it breathing on Hawaii. 

The Creative spark of primal life, giving birth to Earth and seeing it’s painful yet beautiful process made me realize that human’s too are constantly going through the same cycles.  We are always growing, expanding, shedding and renewing ourselves.  We are always dying in some form and being reborn again. Not just psychologically, but biologically as well.  We follow the same process as earth and even though it’s painful and destructive at times, it is also very beautiful and magical.  Being in Hawaii helped me to understand and integrate my own growth.

I’m extremely grateful for this island and Ellen for helping me to push beyond all my boundaries and see that even though I am in a constant flux of change, a solid foundation for the future is emerging.

I can feel a difference within myself already.  I arrived in Fiji late last night and discovered that my hostel wasn't a hostel and that it was really quite remote. There was a price discrepancy for the rate, and they said I needed to pay for WIFI.  Plus there are only two other guest here so it makes it hard to meet other travelers. Oh and I realized that the converter I bought for my laptop doesn't work.

I could feel the familiar feelings of wanting to come home arise. I also felt incredibly lonely.  Breathe.  I just dealt with things as they came up.  Even though Fijians speak English it isn't very good.  I had moments this morning of wanting to go home, however, as the day wears on it is dissipating.  One of the messages I got while on Cortes is to stay grounded and stay connected.  I'm doing just that.  The staff here are very friendly and helpful.  One even gave me a converter to use.  After talking to Ali, I felt better about being here.

It's amazing how I can change my state of mind just by changing the way I think and also by being gentle with myself.  I'm still not sure about traveling.  It's not as romantic as I hoped it would be.  It is a challenge and I'm grateful that I've always been able to meet them head on.

Do I really want to do this?

Day one and I want to go home.

As I left Vancouver yesterday morning I felt excited to get on the plane.  I was finally going to travel and see some of the world.  Meeting new people and seeing different places seemed like a wonderful idea.  Looking down at the enormity of the piercing blue Pacific ocean I felt very small.  Especially when I spotted a cruise ship that looked like a grain of rice.  Even though I was appreciating the beauty and the fact that I am sitting in a hunk of metal flying through the air, I wanted to turn around and go home.

I feel incredibly lonely all ready and I all I want to do is stay in bed.  The Big Island is incredibly hard to get around if you don't have a car.  There is a bus but only runs a couple of times a day.  You can hitchhike however, I've heard from other people in the hostel it's not that easy here.  I'm realizing I better get use to being in the middle of nowhere and figuring out how to get where I want to go.

I'm also aware of not knowing what to do with my stuff.  Meaning when I go to the beach, where do I leave stuff.  I don't quite know the rule of traveling yet.

I feel sick to my stomach right now and feel I made a huge mistake doing this trip.  I know this is an egoic response and that dealing with my fear and uncomfortableness is all part of the process.  For the first time in a very long time I just wish I had someone to take care of me and tell me what to do and how to do it.  To bee with me in these times of uncertainty, hold and comfort me.

Perhaps I just made a really costly mistake.  I think I would  have preferred staying on the west coast safe and secure where things are familiar.  I'm sure this is just fear I'm experiencing and once I start connecting with people and doing things I'll be fine.  Right now though, all I want to do is hide.  Of course I've never hidden for long and love a good challenge.  I know this will only open me up and push me to grow and evolve in ways I never expected.  Growing up is never easy even when it takes the form of something as fun as travel.  Quite a paradox.

I'm sure my first trip to the beach will cure this.  I hope!

Who Know's Just Go Straight

First off, I want to sincerely thank all those who signed the petition to help save Cortes Forests.  There is still planning and negotiating going on and with hope this precious island ecosystem will be used in a more sustainable way.  I still hope that the power of love will overcome the love of power.

Secondly....I'm both excited and terrified about my trip.  I've always imagined the moment when a life long dream came true.  I thought of feelings of complete joy, bliss and humbleness that comes with hard work and sacrifice, knowing that all things given, good and bad are a gift.  I do feel extremely grateful for the adventure I'm about to embark on.  Even though I have the tickets in hand and some accommodations booked, the whole thing still feels very surreal.  My head has been spinning for the last week as numerous friends and acquaintances bombard me with information about particular countries, places to visit, people to connect with and food to eat and not eat.  I've been told how much fun I'm going to have and, also to be careful.  All of it very practical, loving advice.

As I get closer to leaving the island, I go through intense moments of fear.  Yes, I'm back to fear. Not so much of what can go wrong, but of truly facing the unknown and truly facing myself.  My life in the last year has done a complete 180.  I barely recognize myself.  Now, as I start a whole new chapter in my life that little bit of "self" I do recognize, I sense, is going to be annihilated.  I know traveling is going to change me. It already has since leaving Toronto. Now though, I stand in the face of complete individuation, in unknown places, with unknown faces and all the while feeling connected to a greater source that grounds and holds me.

There are days when I don't want to move at all. I physically paralyze myself.  I can feel my body contract and I become very small.  My breathing becomes shallow and I can't focus on anything (which is one of the reasons I haven't been posting much).  I'm grateful though of this awareness as in these moments I know if i can get my body moving the fear will first intensify then dissipate.  Nothing cures anxiety more than moving the energy physically.  The other day I went over and borrowed the neighbors axe and chopped wood for about half an hour.  After that I felt much better.  Also making contact and talking to people has helped.  I'm always amazed at the emotions that come up when I'm faced with something new.   The fear is less and less now and I am very excited.  I'm sure that will change when I'm standing in the airport waiting for my first flight.

So, now it's just dealing with the last minute details.  Sorting out visas, shots, cars, and phones.

Keep breathing!!!

The Moment I've Been Waiting For

It's now official!!!  I have finally booked my trip!!  YEAYYYY!!  Everything feels so surreal. This is a life long dream coming true!  WOW!!!

Cortes is finally releasing it's hold on me.  I'm incredibly grateful that I took my time and stayed here.  It's been an incredibly rich experience. Going through what I went through here provided me with the tools I will need while on the road.  I've been able to find a deeper sense of peace and clarity around my life that I've only been ale to sense but not fully integrate and realize.  I know there will be challenges as I travel, particularly with visas (I can't wait for the day when we live without borders), but I think I will do just fine.  The fear that I had around this trip is changing into excitement, wonder and awe.  Ok, there is still a little bit of fear hiding behind my right ventricle, however, I know what the remedy is...JUST DO IT!!!  Be safe, ask questions, and if worst comes to worst, share a drink, with no ice of course, with a monkey.

So where am I going? Hawaii, Fiji, New Zealand, Bali, Thailand, India, Sri Lanka, Africa,!!!!!! Greece and Turkey to start.  Phew!  The adventure begins February 6th.

Between now and then, I'll be packing, selling my car, putting what little I have in storage.  Oh...and trying to get visa's.  Not so much fun.

Oh, if anyone has any points of interest in any of these places, or any other useful information, suggestions are welcome.

See ya'll soon!!

Fear

Fear is a strange thing.  I've learned over the years the very things I fear the most, often bring the most growth and gold when I face them.  Meaning when I'm brave enough to face my fears, I find out that there was no need to be scared in the first place.  Once I face whatever fear I'm avoiding, I feel much better and more alive and in control of my life for having done so.

There is a saying that states, the more you resist something, the more it persists.  I know that in the past the more I've tried to avoid something or someone, the more the universe seems to shove them, or similar situations in my face.  I have often said or have heard numerous people say "why does this keep happening to me?"...Well, probably because I/you haven't learned to address the situation with authenticity, courage and heart and I/you are constantly being given the opportunity to step fully into life in order to mature.  Life is brilliantly designed this way as it is the only way we grow and evolve.

I bring this up for many reasons.  The first, in my last post I wasn't completely honest.  Even though I am on a similar yet different path than Brent,  I'm still scared to climb all the way to where I know I need to go.  This has become more and more apparent to me the more the experience of climbing that mountain integrates into my psyche.  I realized the more clear and still in my heart and mind I get, I also get more lax and lazy in my spiritual practice, convincing myself that where I am is far enough.  Meaning getting close but not quite breaking through into awakening. My heart knows better though.  This is the time when I need to be more fierce and disciplined in my practice. It is the same reason why so many teams or people fail just before they reach their professional best.  The relax to soon thinking that the prize, or promotion is in the bag, only to realize that they have fallen short and lost the game or raise.  I fell short on the mountain.

I'm getting lax and too comfortable with my current living situation. How do I know this?  I'm getting scared about traveling.  Every time I sit down to do some planning, I get distracted or put it off.  The closer I get to making concrete plans for leaving, the more I avoid doing anything at all and not just planning my trip.  I've made every excuse in the book.  I'm tired, the internet connection is slow, I have wait for money to be transfered...on and on it goes.  I'm excited to have this opportunity and yet, I also feel much safer looking a places in photographs rather than experiencing them first hand.

What is the fear?  Well, the very fact that I've never done anything like this before and going way beyond my comfort zone is a good place to start.  I have no idea what to expect and jumping into the unknown is still rather frightening.  I know there are dangers to be aware of while traveling alone, getting lost, running out of money, having money/passport stolen...the fear I'm experiencing though is completely irrational.  The root fear is egoic annihilation, which of course is what awakening is all about.  But the ego interprets awakening as physical death and therefore does everything in it's power to avoid any kind of transformation.  The ego doesn't get this and wants to hang on to comfort and security so anything outside that zone will be a threat to it and avoids it at all costs.  This whole situation is what keeps most people from truly loving and living...a perceived threat.  The ego can no longer tell the difference between what is real and what isn't.

I had a similar experience when it came time to study for anything.  School for me was very traumatizing when I was younger.  I was teased often and the message I received was that I was a stupid little girl who couldn't do anything. So I didn't even try.  Later in life when I wanted to learn something new, I knew I was smart, however, when it came down to producing any kind of paper or research, I froze in fear.  I automatically assumed I was going to fail and be teased for my work.  I had absolutely no self-confidence. It took a very good friend of mine to sit down with me while I wrote a paper to over come this fear.  As we went through the material, I shook, I cried, I thought she would call me stupid and leave, I thought many many things that were not real or true.  I had to go through the pain in order over come that old egoic structure that keep me from learning for fear of being ridiculed and abandoned.  At the end of the ordeal, I finished my paper, she was still there and happy to be so, we had a great,  empowering, intelligent conversation and I could honestly say I felt, smarter, stronger and ready for the next project.  I still have to work at this to this day as uncovering many many layers of outdated conditioning takes time and patience.  I'm much better at now though and I'm not even afraid to make mistakes.

Traveling is presenting the same fear for me.  Traveling and living a different life from what I grew up with seemed exotic and I was told it wasn't possible for someone like me.  Now I'm not that naive to think that real threat and danger doesn't exist in the world, particularity for a single, white female traveling alone.  There will be precautions I will take. However, what my ego is doing is exaggerating this fear to the point of paralyzation and I'm preventing myself from even pre-planning.  Even taking the initial steps seems to much at times and I abandon any thoughts of globe trotting.  But if I don't open up to this experience, I won't be able to fully open myself to any kind of real transformation because I will always fall short. Something I'm tired of doing, particularly in following my dreams/passions, and in relationships. Thankfully, I know the only way through this is to  take the risk and just do it.  To be open to any experience is to be open to life.  To close myself off from experience because of fear, is lose the very richness life has to offer and to remain asleep.  No thanks... I want to live and love fully.

So, the next time someone asks me if I know what my plans are for leaving the continent, I'm hoping to have a more concrete reply.  If you hear me say, "Ummmm....I don't know.  That is a fear based response and I'm still stuck.  So at that point, you can then either take the Zen approach, slap me to bring me back to reality and tell me to get over myself, or be gentle, offer me some advise and a hug and tell me it's all good.  Either way will be perfect for the moment....cause at the end of the day...it is all good and timing is everything ;-)

In addition....gotta love synchronicity.  I received this Daily Om  (click on the link) a few days after this posting.  I love it when I'm in tune with the Universe.  ;-)