I had a dream, actually it was more of a vision/warning a couple of nights ago that has caused a huge shift in me. Here it is:
It was the middle of the night, pitch black, and I was on a huge ship in the center of the ocean. Not quite a cargo ship but not a cruise ship either. I was a little freaked out being on it as in waking life I’m not a fan of such boats. I love the water, I love canoeing, kayaking, swimming, ferries are ok, but those ships…not so much.
I was walking on the deck heading toward the bow of the ship. I noticed that there was no barrier at all between the bow and the ocean. Kinda like a warship that planes land on. As I approached the edge I became more uneasy but felt the need to look over the side. The ship was rocking a little so I laid down on my stomach to look over. There were whales and dolphins surfing off the bow of the boat. I could also hear them calling to me. They wanted me to jump in with them and swim. I could feel in my heart that I wanted to jump. As I started to get up to jump in, the boat started to list and I became frightened and ran back to the comfort of the interior of the ship.
I went inside and down into a space that was fairly open. It seemed to have a glass wall so that you can see what was going on under the ocean. As I looked I saw a snake-like creature swim past. It was almost Loch Ness monster like but without fins or legs. I stood in awe, full of wonderment, and asked if anyone else had seen it. My older brother was there and some other people I didn’t recognize but felt familiar. They said they saw it as well and were frightened. Then as we moved along, we sailed by a plane that had crashed into the sea. I started to feel frightened and just at that moment the boat shook. I realized we were sinking.
All of us started to head back up to the deck of the boat but got trapped in a hall passage. It was a tight passage way and the door behind us closed as did the door in front of us. I tried the door and it was already sealed shut. On the door was written in thick red letters “ You have 20 minutes of air left to live.” Water started to seep up from the ground fast and began covering us. As the water rose up to my neck I said to my brother and the others there “just remember that I love you.” The water went over my head and just before I started to drown my phone rang and I woke up.
What was interesting was, it felt as if my very good friend from Toronto, whom I love dearly, threw me a lifeline and saved me. I was incredibly happy and grateful to hear her sunny voice.
I immediately had a sense of what the dream meant. The dolphins and the whales new I was on a sinking ship. They were asking me to take a risk and jump into the unknown. They were there to support and help me. Instead of following my heart, I chose the comfort and safety of what I already knew not wanting to take the risk. Yet, that comfort and safety, old ways of protecting myself was also going to kill me.
I recently met someone whom I’m quite attracted to. I feel comfortable and safe around him. I realized that he is also very much like all the men that I’ve been attracted to my whole life. That is the archetypal energies of the emotionally unavailable and unrequited love. Beautiful, unconsciously heart-centred men, with difficulties, sometimes severe difficulties with intimacy and real relationship. This type would rather run than risk being open to love. I know them extremely well and continually come into contact with them. I’m really, really tired of them and I don’t want to bang my head on that wall anymore. Even knowing this, I’m always looking for ways to connect with him. What’s funny is nothing is working. The Universe isn’t supporting us getting together either. It knows my patterns too and is testing me to see if I will run back to safety. It should be as simple as, if it’s meant to happen it will. If not, than not. It’s all good. Yeah…Easier said than done. I’m constantly battling with trying to force something to happen, rather than letting things be the way they are. Let’s face it who here likes to wait and just keep moving on doing what needs to be done?
I noticed with him, the same familiar patterns of thought and behaving that have led me to many broken hearts in the past. But it isn’t just about him. There are other patterns associated with this that need to be healed and broken as well. Everything is connected. And…at the same time, I’m trying to leave my heart open to whatever needs to take place so I can heal. Sometimes that means breaking my heart open even more to reveal the diamond, the Divine Love hidden within me. A very sticky, tricky paradox.
I also know that I need to heal these energies so I can move on which means healing them within myself. Yet, I’m also scared to let go of the comfort and familiarity of them even though I know it’s not healthy for me to hold on. If I let go and take the risk of loving someone different or someone available….I’m jumping into the unknown.
Here’s the rub though…
I had to go into Campbell River (on Vancouver Island, but an actual city) to pick up a roommate who went back to Vancouver for a week. We decided to meet there so we can also pick up supplies (everything is pretty much closed on the Island and food is pretty expensive). This involved taking two ferries. On the way back it was already dark and the ocean as black as oil. The first ferry is a short 10 minute stretch and a bigger boat. We where the last car on and couldn’t see the water. The second ferry is a smaller boat, and 45 minutes long and we were the first car on.
As soon as the ferry left the dock it turned out all the lights save a few. It was very, very dark as the clouds covered the sky. As we sailed out I realized that there was no barrier at the front of the ferry. My dream came flooding back. I was literally living my dream save a few details. I knew I had to go and stand outside closer to the water. As I got out of the car, I told my two friends that if the ferry sunk just remember I love them both.
I got out into the cool of the evening. The wind was gently blowing causing the ferry to rock more than what I have been accustom to. I meditatively walked to the very front of the boat. There was only a small chain going across the front separating me from the water. My heart started to pound with fear, my breath shortened and my body started to contract. I stared into the black abyss of the ocean. I could feel my heart thumping harder to the point where I thought it would burst through my chest. I was completely uncomfortable and I felt my full Being resist the unknown. I started to turn back to safety and then I remembered my dream. I was been given the opportunity to choose differently, to change the dream. I stopped. I slowly turned back to face the ocean and focused on my breathing. The more intense my heart beat, the more I breathed deeply into it. This battle continued for at least 10 minutes. The wanting of safety and security and comfort, and the need to face my fear of jumping into the abyss. I felt like I was going to explode. Just as the intensity became completely unbearable, I heard the voice of my teacher, in my heart, “Don’t cling to anything that you can’t take with you on a sinking ship.”
POP!!!!
In that very moment I knew if I had seen a whale or a dolphin I wouldn’t have hesitated one millisecond to jump in. By facing the black abyss of the unknown, literally, by simply breathing through it, I broke through the fear and was released into freedom. My body, mind and soul totally relaxed and softened. Just as all this happened, the clouds also broke revealing a beautiful white moon that cast a brilliant silvery light onto the darkness of the ocean. My lifeline. Light within the darkness. I felt incredibly happy, grateful and alive! And…full of Light and Love. Even if the ferry did sink, it wouldn’t have mattered one bit.
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