First off, I want to sincerely thank all those who signed the petition to help save Cortes Forests. There is still planning and negotiating going on and with hope this precious island ecosystem will be used in a more sustainable way. I still hope that the power of love will overcome the love of power.
Secondly....I'm both excited and terrified about my trip. I've always imagined the moment when a life long dream came true. I thought of feelings of complete joy, bliss and humbleness that comes with hard work and sacrifice, knowing that all things given, good and bad are a gift. I do feel extremely grateful for the adventure I'm about to embark on. Even though I have the tickets in hand and some accommodations booked, the whole thing still feels very surreal. My head has been spinning for the last week as numerous friends and acquaintances bombard me with information about particular countries, places to visit, people to connect with and food to eat and not eat. I've been told how much fun I'm going to have and, also to be careful. All of it very practical, loving advice.
As I get closer to leaving the island, I go through intense moments of fear. Yes, I'm back to fear. Not so much of what can go wrong, but of truly facing the unknown and truly facing myself. My life in the last year has done a complete 180. I barely recognize myself. Now, as I start a whole new chapter in my life that little bit of "self" I do recognize, I sense, is going to be annihilated. I know traveling is going to change me. It already has since leaving Toronto. Now though, I stand in the face of complete individuation, in unknown places, with unknown faces and all the while feeling connected to a greater source that grounds and holds me.
There are days when I don't want to move at all. I physically paralyze myself. I can feel my body contract and I become very small. My breathing becomes shallow and I can't focus on anything (which is one of the reasons I haven't been posting much). I'm grateful though of this awareness as in these moments I know if i can get my body moving the fear will first intensify then dissipate. Nothing cures anxiety more than moving the energy physically. The other day I went over and borrowed the neighbors axe and chopped wood for about half an hour. After that I felt much better. Also making contact and talking to people has helped. I'm always amazed at the emotions that come up when I'm faced with something new. The fear is less and less now and I am very excited. I'm sure that will change when I'm standing in the airport waiting for my first flight.
So, now it's just dealing with the last minute details. Sorting out visas, shots, cars, and phones.
Keep breathing!!!
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