When I first started traveling I thought it would be a pilgrimage. A chance to step away from the norm, explore, expand and evolve. It’s actually turned out to be more of a vision quest. Digging deeper into my psyche, shedding light on to the places where darkness still resides within me and continually shedding old belief patters and ways of being.
There are certain places on this earth that have a way of calling me to them, knowing exactly what I need in order to evolve and transform. Cortes was one of them. Ubud is another. As I stated in my last post, when I arrived here my I knew I needed to slow down and take a rest and my body confirmed that for me.
Since being here I have been going through the worst relapse of MS that I’ve ever had. For the last 3 weeks I haven’t been able to feel sensations in my left leg or my right arm and the right side of my head and face. I can’t feel the difference in temperature, say with water, and my skin is hypersensitive. Spatial recognition is also a problem with my leg and arm. Typing and writing has been difficult, as has eating as I can’t feel food in the right side of my mouth. Walking, particularly on the uneven sidewalks of Ubud is challenging. I’ve also felt extreme exhaustion.
I know that my symptoms are a direct result of facing deeply buried fears. Not wanting to fully feel my experience by still protecting myself against completely opening my heart to my ever changing lifestyle and moving forward in realizing my dreams. I’m still falling short in expressing and putting out into the world what I really want. The closer I get to my truth the more by body contracts into it’s dis-ease. However, that in it’self is the cure. I know when my body responds like this, I am pushing through the dense darkness and creating space for light and love. So I know I will get worst before I get better. A friend of mine recently sent me this quote by Neale Donald Walsh..
"Life begins at the end of your Comfort Zone. So if you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending."
I am feeling physically uncomfortable indeed. And I know it is my body adapting to change. I will get better over time by being open to the present moment and not my preferences. As a result of doing some deep healing here, I’ve had to cancel the rest of my trip to allow for space to integrate all the change I’m going through. I also realized that in some way I was traveling for other people and not me. Some of the places I was going to was because someone said I should check them out. Not because I was really interested in going to them.
As it stands, I’m going to stay in Ubud until I feel better and I get a cue or clue that it’s time for me to move on. I’m not sure if that means going home or going to another destination, or where that destination will be. In some ways, I’m a little disappointed that my original itinerary has been dismantled. I felt like I failed to some degree. I felt disappointed that my body seemingly failed and that I was suddenly limited as to what I could do and were I can go. However, it is truly a blessing in disguise. Being in Ubud has helped me regain control of my physical being.
How…continuing to stay in gentle motion by doing yoga, dancing and cycling and staying in relationship with the beautiful people I’ve been meeting as well as those from home. The biggest contributor however, was being lured to Mt. Batur. (I seem to be on the volcano tour. First Pele and her sisters in Hawaii, and although I didn’t visit the ones in Fiji I was very aware of their presence, then Tongariro in New Zealand and now Mt.Batur).
I read about Mt. Batur on the plane from NZ. This journalist described his journey to the mountain to watch the sunrise. I though it would be lovely to see it but even then thought that I wouldn’t be able to physically do it. So I put the idea in the back of my mind. Also, the one thing I’ve learned about my life journey is that in order to connect with sacred places and spaces I need to either ask permission in meditation or to wait to be invited. If the answer was no then I respect it and don’t judge it. If the answer was yes or if there was an invitation then to accept it without question. A month went by before the volcano called me. I came home one night and Made, the owner of the home-stay I’m in, asked if I wanted to do the sunrise trek up the volcano with some of the other guests. He was sitting below a photo of the mountain and I knew I had to do it. This meant getting up at 2:30 am and climbing the mountain in the dark to see the sun come up. Knowing I was being called I said ok.
When we arrived at the mountain, the full moon was out and it was a lovely early morning. We couldn’t see the mountain as the top was covered in mist. This was a good thing because if I saw what I was about to get myself into I would have turned around. So on I went. It was a 2 hour trek and about a quarter of the way in, not even on the steep slope yet, I began having doubts. What the hell was I doing? I had no right to be doing this in the condition I was in. I could already feel my body getting heavy with protest.
We stopped for a bit and I looked at my friend Christina and said this was a very bad idea for me. She said not to worry, we have plenty of time, I’ll be fine. My mind and heart was full of determination and my body was screaming NOOOOOOO! On I went. We got to the base of the mountain and you could see other tourists lights heading vertically up the slope, they looked like stars climging into the sky to take their position for the night. I involuntarily stopped, my body freezing in fear. I had tears in my eyes, remembering times when I took such journeys like this for granted. It seemed like my days of enjoying nature in the way I use to be able to was over. All of a sudden out of the darkness, our guide, Adit, gently took my hand offering support. I could feel my will starting to build and new I wasn’t alone. I had support in Adit as well as Christina behind me. I could also feel the volcano itself lending me its unwavering strength. I concentrated hard on my movement. My body shook and shuttered. I kept imaging my body strong and healthy, envisioning light and love coursing through all my cells.
At one point I felt that that was it. I couldn’t go on. I said that I would stay were I was and watch the sunset from here. Adit kindly said that I wouldn’t see it from where I was. Again, he reached out and took my hand. Christina offering words of encouragement from behind. I felt like I was physically going to die. I had tears streaming down my cheeks and started praying for help. The all of a sudden, something in my body shattered. I suddenly felt lighter and stronger. It felt like I did physically die, or rather I shed a skin like a snake would, or a caterpillar that finally became a butterfly and started flying. Energy wildly surged through my body and I had more control over my movements. I still had to struggle but somehow I felt…great.
Adit kept counting down the minutes. Almost there. Five more minutes…One more minute. Then I looked up and suddenly we were there! I made it!! I sat down and started to cry. I can’t fucking believe I just climbed a mountain! Something in my being significantly shifted. I sat there and watched the dawning of a new day, a new way, a new life. I felt fragile, vulnerable and strong all at the same time.
Carly Jung had once said that the most powerful thing in the Universe is human will. In that moment I knew that statement to be utterly and completely true. I had a deep knowing that if I put my heart, mind and soul to something I could do anything. If I sincerely put in 100% effort than there is no way I could fail at anything. Support would always be there in the form of Grace. Everything is possible and I am free to do anything.
And then I realized, shit…I gotta get off this mountain! So after a bit of breakfast, and a look around the crater of the volcano. I bowed deeply to the wisdom of the mountain and earth and started down the steep slope.
It was more difficult going down than up even though we now had the light of day. Gravity is pretty strong and I wasn’t use to my new and already fatigued legs. Once again, Adit stretched out his hand for support. There were a few times that my legs gave out and when they did Christina was there to help me up and move on. Every once in a while I would turn around and look back. I still couldn’t believe that I climbed up a volcano and yet I now understood why I needed to do it.
I wasn’t going to let MS control my life. I was no longer going to use it as an excuse not to do things or get out of things I needed to do. I decided I was going to be strong and healthy. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to listen to my body anymore. On the contrary, it means I will listen to my body more deeply. Not the dis-ease, but the inherent wisdom that the body has and how it knows what it needs to be healthy and strong. I was no longer going to override it’s natural rhythms and messages. I finally decided to fully show up in my life and take the driver seat and not let any situation go by without fully experiencing it on all levels.
When I got back home I immediately went to bed. I slept for a few hours and then rested for in an altered state of consciousness for the rest of the day and night. My body needed time to recuperate and integrate this new state of being. I also knew that this process would take a couple of weeks to fully integrate itself. The next day, even though my body was incredibly stiff and soar as hell, I knew I had to move it in order to not relapse into contraction. So, I went for a massage.
As I was still quite weak from the trek, I had absolutely no physical resistance what-so-ever to the deep tissue massage I was receiving. I felt like a piece of bubble-wrap. My masseuse applied pressure in spots I didn’t no I even existed popping an releasing trapped energy with ease. I lay there breathing deeply into her touch letting her readjust my muscles, ligaments and energy centres into there proper places. At one point I couldn’t tell the difference between her or me. My body felt like water, liquidy and soft, flowing naturally in rhythm to my breathing and her touch. When she was done I had a very hard time getting up and walking. She guided me to a couch where I rested and drank ginger tea. When I was able to, I then went to see a friend at his café and he gave me coconut water and an ayurvedic drink that stabilized my energy. I felt bloody fantastic!!
Since then I’ve been doing restorative yoga, eating raw food and being really gentle with myself. I’m still experiencing some symptoms of MS and I know that I still have work to do. I’m taking as much time as I need to recover and once again Ubud is the perfect place to BE. So why move.
I am eternally grateful to Adit, Christina, John and Tim for their support and wisdom. I bow in deep gratitude to the Divine Life Force and Mt Batur for challenging me and calling me to step up and release my deepest fears.
OK…next post on the wonders of Ubud and Bali…I promise!
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| It's never lonely at the top |
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| Sunrise from Mt. Batur |
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| On Top of the World...And a brand new day. |
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| My faithful guide Adit and me. |
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| Me and Christina |
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| Mt. Batur. We climbed to the rim of the crater on the right hand side. Some daring souls made it to the peak. I still can't believe I made it up there!! |
