Challenges

One week in to my trip and I’m feeling transformed already.  Although I was in Hawaii, it was a tough start.  It’s hard to put into words the process I am still going though.  It’s amazing how resistant I am to severe change.  All I wanted to do when I got to Hawaii was go home.  Even after meeting Ellen and exploring the absolute beauty of the Big Island of Hawaii, I would still wake up in the mornings wanting to be back in Canada.  Actually I wanted someone to be with me to help take the edge off.  It’s the first time in a long time that I felt incredibly lonely.

These feelings gradually started to go away as I keep physically busy.  I also let the energy of the Island peel away my resistance and let it support me.  What I found funny was that when I got to Cortes, most people felt peace and joy and I was dismantled and eventually came to peace.  When I got to Hawaii, I felt Pele welcome and hold me where as others were being dismantled.  Even though I felt welcomed there, Hawaii challenged me physically.  Ellen a wonderful Canadian/America woman I met at the hostel, was a climber and very physically fit.  Within a day of being with her I knew that I entered some kind of boot camp to get into shape.

Some of the hikes we did were very physically demanding.  I knew that I was being tested physically and that it was important that I push myself as hard as I could.  Thankfully, not only was Ellen physical fit, she was incredibly supportive and encouraging.  I knew that I needed to get in better shape if I am to travel the world.  I needed to learn to contain and control the energy that is going through my body and not fear it.  When I get scared I don't want to move and it creates many problems for me physically, mentally and emotionally.  As I hiked, swam and kayaked, I had to really focus on my breathing, allowing all my experience to be fully integrated and not to dissociate from the feelings I was having. 

It wasn’t just the physical activity that helped me move through my fears. The Big Island of Hawaii is a magnificent island geologically in the fact that it is still being born.  The active volcanoes are creating new land almost daily.  What is interesting is that even though eruptions have devastated the land, it is creating land at the same time.  Much of the ground is volcanic rock and ash and you can feel the life force shifting under your feet.  But, then as you look around you start to see life.  Green life, emerging out of black, baked hardening rock.  It’s absolutely phenomenal to see the birth of the earth, creation itself at work.  After watching the news and seeing the destruction that man is doing to our Mother Gaia, to come to Hawaii and see and feel the living, breathing force of the planet we live on gave me a renewed sense of hope.  This planet IS ALIVE and you can witness it breathing on Hawaii. 

The Creative spark of primal life, giving birth to Earth and seeing it’s painful yet beautiful process made me realize that human’s too are constantly going through the same cycles.  We are always growing, expanding, shedding and renewing ourselves.  We are always dying in some form and being reborn again. Not just psychologically, but biologically as well.  We follow the same process as earth and even though it’s painful and destructive at times, it is also very beautiful and magical.  Being in Hawaii helped me to understand and integrate my own growth.

I’m extremely grateful for this island and Ellen for helping me to push beyond all my boundaries and see that even though I am in a constant flux of change, a solid foundation for the future is emerging.

I can feel a difference within myself already.  I arrived in Fiji late last night and discovered that my hostel wasn't a hostel and that it was really quite remote. There was a price discrepancy for the rate, and they said I needed to pay for WIFI.  Plus there are only two other guest here so it makes it hard to meet other travelers. Oh and I realized that the converter I bought for my laptop doesn't work.

I could feel the familiar feelings of wanting to come home arise. I also felt incredibly lonely.  Breathe.  I just dealt with things as they came up.  Even though Fijians speak English it isn't very good.  I had moments this morning of wanting to go home, however, as the day wears on it is dissipating.  One of the messages I got while on Cortes is to stay grounded and stay connected.  I'm doing just that.  The staff here are very friendly and helpful.  One even gave me a converter to use.  After talking to Ali, I felt better about being here.

It's amazing how I can change my state of mind just by changing the way I think and also by being gentle with myself.  I'm still not sure about traveling.  It's not as romantic as I hoped it would be.  It is a challenge and I'm grateful that I've always been able to meet them head on.