Do I really want to do this?

Day one and I want to go home.

As I left Vancouver yesterday morning I felt excited to get on the plane.  I was finally going to travel and see some of the world.  Meeting new people and seeing different places seemed like a wonderful idea.  Looking down at the enormity of the piercing blue Pacific ocean I felt very small.  Especially when I spotted a cruise ship that looked like a grain of rice.  Even though I was appreciating the beauty and the fact that I am sitting in a hunk of metal flying through the air, I wanted to turn around and go home.

I feel incredibly lonely all ready and I all I want to do is stay in bed.  The Big Island is incredibly hard to get around if you don't have a car.  There is a bus but only runs a couple of times a day.  You can hitchhike however, I've heard from other people in the hostel it's not that easy here.  I'm realizing I better get use to being in the middle of nowhere and figuring out how to get where I want to go.

I'm also aware of not knowing what to do with my stuff.  Meaning when I go to the beach, where do I leave stuff.  I don't quite know the rule of traveling yet.

I feel sick to my stomach right now and feel I made a huge mistake doing this trip.  I know this is an egoic response and that dealing with my fear and uncomfortableness is all part of the process.  For the first time in a very long time I just wish I had someone to take care of me and tell me what to do and how to do it.  To bee with me in these times of uncertainty, hold and comfort me.

Perhaps I just made a really costly mistake.  I think I would  have preferred staying on the west coast safe and secure where things are familiar.  I'm sure this is just fear I'm experiencing and once I start connecting with people and doing things I'll be fine.  Right now though, all I want to do is hide.  Of course I've never hidden for long and love a good challenge.  I know this will only open me up and push me to grow and evolve in ways I never expected.  Growing up is never easy even when it takes the form of something as fun as travel.  Quite a paradox.

I'm sure my first trip to the beach will cure this.  I hope!