Little Girl

After 2 months of intense work I had a complete shift in perspective and found someone I thought I had lost...my inner child.  This poem I wrote is a result of that shift...

The Little Girl she dances and sings
She sees all that this wonderful life brings!
PLAY! PLAY! PLAY! She stands high on tip-toes and SCREAMS!!!
In joyous tears she absolutely beams!

Reunited at last in heart
Her and I will never again part
Dear One see the pink flower in the field of fun?
Let's go get it..1!...2!..3! RUN!!!

What about the cloud high up in the air?
Do you think bunnies have the same fluffy white hair?
It doesn't matter what time it is or where we have to be
As long as I'm with her and she with me.

Under Construction

My how time flies.  I shake my head in utter wonderment went I think that I’ve been in Bali for 5 months.  Almost half a year.  Where does time go?  Better yet where do I go?

I never in my life imagined that I would be living on a tropical island.  It’s strange because Bali would definitely not be the first, second, third or even fourth place I would choose to live.  I’m not even sure if it would make the list at all once I’ve explored the planet a little more. Yet here I am.

So what have I been up to?  I always find this question difficult to answer, especially to those who do not subscribe to evolutionary consciousness or spiritual awakening.  But that is in fact exactly what I have been up to.  And not in the way that most westerners would approach either subject.  Yes I’m doing a little reading and light research in the external world.  Discussing various aspects of what spirituality and evolutionary consciousness means in terms of sacred texts, sacred geometry, symbolism, rituals and ceremonies or what-have-you.  No, the way I approach both of these subjects is by internally excavating, exploring and expanding my own nature and behavioral patterns.

It takes an enormous amount of time, energy, patience, humility, sincerity, seriousness and some relaxation and humour to awaken to one’s true self.  And what is frustrating is, is it doesn’t reflect in the external world.  It’s not like writing an essay, a report or building something that one can see progress being made.  One might be able to detect small changes in personality or the way I do things, but for the most part I “seem to be the same”.  Meanwhile I’ve been through leaps and bounds of internal shifts that have had dramatic affects on the way I think, feel and behave. The external expression of this takes time as I integrate all these shifts and revelations into my experience.  Much like anything else, it takes time to learn new things through repetition, trial, error and then success.  And, quite often what I uncover isn’t meant to be externalized at all as it is just a sensation of deepening awareness.

It is the most difficult thing there is to do in life, and it is also the most rewarding.  It is the biggest unseen, thankless job to most of the world. In the western mindset spiritual practice is seen as being selfish, used as a scapegoat to get out of work, relationships, environments and other obligations.  When in fact, if one sinseriously takes up a spiritual practice, you become selfless, more present and open to healthier relationships and create more sustainable healthier environments.  When you look after your inner world you take better care of your outer world.  If you ignore your inner world, that to gets reflected in your outer world too.  It’s really not that complicated and yet for some reason most people do not understand that concept. And then they do no understand they judge.

So to answer the question what have I been up too? I've been under construction. I have been digging deep into my own dirt, clearing it away so I can live more freely and continue designing my life the way I want to live it.  Actually it feels more like landmines unceremoniously going off every 3 minutes, leaving gaping openings for my soul to shine through.  For some reason the last couple of months have been extremely intense.  The veils of illusion that I’ve held in front of me for way to long have been ripped away leaving me feeling defeated, deflated, humiliated, vulnerable, raw and ultimately completely free.  I can now clearly see what work still needs to be done and how to do it.  Because of my physical condition I haven’t been doing much exploring, yoga or any kind of movement.  Now though that I’m feeling much, MUCH better I intend to get out and explore the outer world once again.  With my camera.

I no longer need to bare the weight of my past or be concerned about the future.  I no longer need to carry the feeling of being responsible for other people’s lives and decisions. I can offer them love and support but it’s not my responsibility to hold on to their pain and suffering. I no longer need to worry about protecting myself against possibly being hurt. And even if I do get hurt at least I know I tried.  At least I know I took the risk to try something new.  At least I know I have choices, many choices in how I want to experience life.  I can now fully trust myself and the unknown without going into anxiety, worrying about what “could” happen.  Best of all I feel so free just to be!  I’ve once again found my inner child.  I’ve found the sense of fun and play that I’ve been missing for so long.  I am also getting closer to knowing exactly what it is in life I want to experience and how I want to participate in this world.

I haven’t been able to do this all on my own. Bali has provided me with external situations that pointed directly to the places in me that needed cleaning.  I have friends in Ubud and my most Beloved community and Teacher/Friend back home who have been gracefully guiding me through this each step of the way.  My family has been very patient with me as well.

So that’s what I’ve been up to. Some days I work very hard at my awakening.  Some days are spent vacillating between watching the butterflies and birds dance in my garden, or movies online.  It may not seem like much to the outer world and people will have their opinions.  That’s ok.  I’m very happy what I’m doing and grateful for the life I have.

Time flies...

My God I cannot believe how time flies...I'm still alive, still in Bali and still have nothing to post yet.  Thank you for your patience while I find where I put my creative spark...hopefully it will return soon...I've joined a writers group so I'm hoping to get a good fire going and have something more substantial posted in the very near future....

Love to you all

xoxo

Being A Long Time

I know it's been forever....I will have something later on.  All is...strangely rich in Bali.  Be back soon!

Based in Bali

I know I know...I still need to write a practical guide to Bali as well as update my photos including captions on Flickr...I've been floating in a vortex of magical synchronicities lately and have fallen behind on my writing and connecting.

Since climbing Batur things really ramped up. Actually, what's been happening is life has become seamless. One thing gracefully flowing into another without effort.  I had to move homestays because I wasn't able to stay in the one I was in for as long as I needed to.  I moved into one that is in town and much much cheaper and just as nice.  Some friends of mine where already staying there so it already felt like home.

Since moving here, I met a traditional Balinese healer by the name of Dewa.  This man IS a miracle and empty vessel that transmits perfect Life Force vibrations.  Since seeing him I now have feeling and strength in both my legs and I feel full of energy and love.  The energy he has is very palpable and feels like cool water rushing through my body cleansing and revitalizing me.  I can actually FEEL again!!!!!  Between Dewa, yoga, raw food, great friends and well Bali's special energy and warmth I'm feeling quite whole again.  There is still work to be done but I'm making progress every day.

Meeting Dewa has been a blessing.  Not only is he healing me, he's teaching me how to heal myself and control the energy.  Also, because our relationship has been really easy and smooth (we actually new one another from a past life) we are talking about opening a healing centre together.  He has land just outside of Ubud, near a very sacred river.  Healing is best practiced when in connection with nature  so it's perfect.

Many people come to Bali, specifically Ubud for healing.  However because the healers here are powerful and the energy of the land intense itself, most westerners do not know how to integrate the healing into their daily lives.  The often get energetically opened up and then sent on their way often feeling confused and lost.  This can be very dangerous for those who either don't work with energy or who are new to it.

Because I've done quite a bit of work in this field I've been helping others understand what is happening to them and how to integrate it.  Because there are many people in this situation, I've decided to start a support group to help people navigate their spiritual paths.  I've already started a meditation group within the homestay and I'm now looking for space to run a support group.  In the near future, I will be organizing ceremonies and trips to holy springs with Dewa and other people to help them heal.  In a way it's bridging a gap between Eastern healing and Western practices.

So, I'm off to Singapore tomorrow for a couple of days so I can renew my Indonesian Visa for 6 months.  I'm also going to start learning to speak Indonesian so I can work with both locals and Westerners.  I'm not sure where this is all going and I don't really need to.  Everything is effortlessly unfolding as it should and without much planning. I'm just following along where I'm being led to.  I've finally decided to fully show up in my life and I feel fantastic!

More to come...

Climb Every Mountain

When I first started traveling I thought it would be a pilgrimage.  A chance to step away from the norm, explore, expand and evolve. It’s actually turned out to be more of a vision quest.  Digging deeper into my psyche, shedding light on to the places where darkness still resides within me and continually shedding old belief patters and ways of being.

There are certain places on this earth that have a way of calling me to them, knowing exactly what I need in order to evolve and transform.  Cortes was one of them.  Ubud is another. As I stated in my last post, when I arrived here my I knew I needed to slow down and take a rest and my body confirmed that for me.

Since being here I have been going through the worst relapse of MS that I’ve ever had.  For the last 3 weeks I haven’t been able to feel sensations in my left leg or my right arm and the right side of my head and face. I can’t feel the difference in temperature, say with water, and my skin is hypersensitive.  Spatial recognition is also a problem with my leg and arm.  Typing and writing has been difficult, as has eating as I can’t feel food in the right side of my mouth.  Walking, particularly on the uneven sidewalks of Ubud is challenging.  I’ve also felt extreme exhaustion.

I know that my symptoms are a direct result of facing deeply buried fears.  Not wanting to fully feel my experience by still protecting myself against completely opening my heart to my ever changing lifestyle and moving forward in realizing my dreams.  I’m still falling short in expressing and putting out into the world what I really want.  The closer I get to my truth the more by body contracts into it’s dis-ease.  However, that in it’self is the cure.  I know when my body responds like this, I am pushing through the dense darkness and creating space for light and love.  So I know I will get worst before I get better.  A friend of mine recently sent me this quote by Neale Donald Walsh..

"Life begins at the end of your Comfort Zone. So if you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending."

I am feeling physically uncomfortable indeed.  And I know it is my body adapting to change.  I will get better over time by being open to the present moment and not my preferences. As a result of doing some deep healing here, I’ve had to cancel the rest of my trip to allow for space to integrate all the change I’m going through.  I also realized that in some way I was traveling for other people and not me.  Some of the places I was going to was because someone said I should check them out.  Not because I was really interested in going to them. 

As it stands, I’m going to stay in Ubud until I feel better and I get a cue or clue that it’s time for me to move on.  I’m not sure if that means going home or going to another destination, or where that destination will be.  In some ways, I’m a little disappointed that my original itinerary has been dismantled.  I felt like I failed to some degree.  I felt disappointed that my body seemingly failed and that I was suddenly limited as to what I could do and were I can go. However, it is truly a blessing in disguise.   Being in Ubud has helped me regain control of my physical being.

How…continuing to stay in gentle motion by doing yoga, dancing and cycling and staying in relationship with the beautiful people I’ve been meeting as well as those from home.  The biggest contributor however, was being lured to Mt. Batur. (I seem to be on the volcano tour.  First Pele and her sisters in Hawaii, and although I didn’t visit the ones in Fiji I was very aware of their presence, then Tongariro in New Zealand and now Mt.Batur). 

I read about Mt. Batur on the plane from NZ.  This journalist described his journey to the mountain to watch the sunrise.  I though it would be lovely to see it but even then thought that I wouldn’t be able to physically do it.  So I put the idea in the back of my mind.  Also, the one thing I’ve learned about my life journey is that in order to connect with sacred places and spaces I need to either ask permission in meditation or to wait to be invited.  If the answer was no then I respect it and don’t judge it. If the answer was yes or if there was an invitation then to accept it without question.  A month went by before the volcano called me.  I came home one night and Made, the owner of the home-stay I’m in, asked if I wanted to do the sunrise trek up the volcano with some of the other guests.  He was sitting below a photo of the mountain and I knew I had to do it. This meant getting up at 2:30 am and climbing the mountain in the dark to see the sun come up. Knowing I was being called I said ok. 

When we arrived at the mountain, the full moon was out and it was a lovely early morning.  We couldn’t see the mountain as the top was covered in mist.  This was a good thing because if I saw what I was about to get myself into I would have turned around.  So on I went.  It was a 2 hour trek and about a quarter of the way in, not even on the steep slope yet, I began having doubts.  What the hell was I doing?  I had no right to be doing this in the condition I was in.  I could already feel my body getting heavy with protest.

We stopped for a bit and I looked at my friend Christina and said this was a very bad idea for me.  She said not to worry, we have plenty of time, I’ll be fine.  My mind and heart was full of determination and my body was screaming NOOOOOOO!  On I went.  We got to the base of the mountain and you could see other tourists lights  heading vertically up the slope, they looked like stars climging into the sky to take their position for the night.  I involuntarily stopped, my body freezing in fear.  I had tears in my eyes, remembering times when I took such journeys like this for granted.  It seemed like my days of enjoying nature in the way I use to be able to was over.  All of a sudden out of the darkness, our guide, Adit, gently took my hand offering support.  I could feel my will starting to build and new I wasn’t alone.  I had support in Adit as well as Christina behind me.  I could also feel the volcano itself lending me its unwavering strength. I concentrated hard on my movement.  My body shook and shuttered.  I kept imaging my body strong and healthy, envisioning light and love coursing through all my cells.

At one point I felt that that was it.  I couldn’t go on.  I said that I would stay were I was and watch the sunset from here.  Adit kindly said that I wouldn’t see it from where I was.  Again, he reached out and took my hand.  Christina offering words of encouragement from behind.  I felt like I was physically going to die.  I had tears streaming down my cheeks and started praying for help.  The all of a sudden, something in my body shattered.  I suddenly felt lighter and stronger.  It felt like I did physically die, or rather I shed a skin like a snake would, or a caterpillar that finally became a butterfly and started flying.  Energy wildly surged through my body and I had more control over my movements.  I still had to struggle but somehow I felt…great.

Adit kept counting down the minutes.  Almost there.  Five more minutes…One more minute.  Then I looked up and suddenly we were there!  I made it!! I sat down and started to cry.  I can’t fucking believe I just climbed a mountain!  Something in my being significantly shifted.  I sat there and watched the dawning of a new day, a new way, a new life.  I felt fragile, vulnerable and strong all at the same time.  

Carly Jung had once said that the most powerful thing in the Universe is human will. In that moment I knew that statement to be utterly and completely true. I had a deep knowing that if I put my heart, mind and soul to something I could do anything.  If I sincerely put in 100% effort than there is no way I could fail at anything.  Support would always be there in the form of Grace.  Everything is possible and I am free to do anything.

And then I realized, shit…I gotta get off this mountain!  So after a bit of breakfast, and a look around the crater of the volcano. I bowed deeply to the wisdom of the mountain and earth and started down the steep slope.

It was more difficult going down than up even though we now had the light of day.  Gravity is pretty strong and I wasn’t use to my new and already fatigued legs.  Once again, Adit stretched out his hand for support.  There were a few times that my legs gave out and when they did Christina was there to help me up and move on.  Every once in a while I would turn around and look back.  I still couldn’t believe that I climbed up a volcano and yet I now understood why I needed to do it.

I wasn’t going to let MS control my life.  I was no longer going to use it as an excuse not to do things or get out of things I needed to do.  I decided I was going to be strong and healthy.  This doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to listen to my body anymore.  On the contrary, it means I will listen to my body more deeply.  Not the dis-ease, but the inherent wisdom that the body has and how it knows  what it needs to be healthy and strong.  I was no longer going to override it’s natural rhythms and messages.  I finally decided to fully show up in my life and take the driver seat and not let any situation go by without fully experiencing it on all levels.

When I got back home I immediately went to bed.  I slept for a few hours and then rested for in an altered state of consciousness for the rest of the day and night. My body needed time to recuperate and integrate this new state of being.  I also knew that this process would take a couple of weeks to fully integrate itself.  The next day, even though my body was incredibly stiff and soar as hell, I knew I had to move it in order to not relapse into contraction.  So, I went for a massage.

As I was still quite weak from the trek, I had absolutely no physical resistance what-so-ever to the deep tissue massage I was receiving.  I felt like a piece of bubble-wrap.  My masseuse applied pressure in spots I didn’t no I even existed popping an releasing trapped energy with ease.  I lay there breathing deeply into her touch letting her readjust my muscles, ligaments and energy centres into there proper places.  At one point I couldn’t tell the difference between her or me.  My body felt like water, liquidy and soft, flowing naturally in rhythm to my breathing and her touch.  When she was done I had a very hard time getting up and walking.  She guided me to a couch where I rested and drank ginger tea.  When I was able to, I then went to see a friend at his café and he gave me coconut water and an ayurvedic drink that stabilized my energy.  I felt bloody fantastic!!

Since then I’ve been doing restorative yoga, eating raw food and being really gentle with myself.  I’m still experiencing some symptoms of MS and I know that I still have work to do.  I’m taking as much time as I need to recover and once again Ubud is the perfect place to BE.  So why move.

I am eternally grateful to Adit, Christina, John and Tim for their support and wisdom.  I bow in deep gratitude to the Divine Life Force and Mt Batur for challenging me and calling me to step up and release my deepest fears.

OK…next post on the wonders of Ubud and Bali…I promise!

It's never lonely at the top

Sunrise from Mt. Batur

On Top of the World...And a brand new day.

My faithful guide Adit and me.  

Me and Christina

Mt. Batur.  We climbed to the rim of the crater on the right hand
side.  Some daring souls made it to the peak.  I still can't believe I  made it up there!!

Quick Check In

I was suppose to fly to Bangkok on March 25th.  Quite a lot has transpired in that time.  For one, I'm still in Ubud, Bali and I have no idea how long I will be here.  It looks like my itinerary is significantly going to change. However, I'm just not sure what that will look like right now.

I'm not going to stay to much as to why I'm still here. One of the reasons is my body said "NO" to moving on.  I will say that sometimes Life put's me in the places I need to be in rather than the places I want to be in.  Not to say I don't want to be in Bali right now, it's a very easy place to be, however, I didn't think my trip would take a sharp right turn.

I'm safe, and comfortable and doing ok.  Sorry to be so elusive right now.  It will take me a while to write what's happening.  Plus I'm still writing my "practical guide to Ubud".

I'm ok, and it's all good.

Thanks for your patience!!