Time flies...

My God I cannot believe how time flies...I'm still alive, still in Bali and still have nothing to post yet.  Thank you for your patience while I find where I put my creative spark...hopefully it will return soon...I've joined a writers group so I'm hoping to get a good fire going and have something more substantial posted in the very near future....

Love to you all

xoxo

Being A Long Time

I know it's been forever....I will have something later on.  All is...strangely rich in Bali.  Be back soon!

Based in Bali

I know I know...I still need to write a practical guide to Bali as well as update my photos including captions on Flickr...I've been floating in a vortex of magical synchronicities lately and have fallen behind on my writing and connecting.

Since climbing Batur things really ramped up. Actually, what's been happening is life has become seamless. One thing gracefully flowing into another without effort.  I had to move homestays because I wasn't able to stay in the one I was in for as long as I needed to.  I moved into one that is in town and much much cheaper and just as nice.  Some friends of mine where already staying there so it already felt like home.

Since moving here, I met a traditional Balinese healer by the name of Dewa.  This man IS a miracle and empty vessel that transmits perfect Life Force vibrations.  Since seeing him I now have feeling and strength in both my legs and I feel full of energy and love.  The energy he has is very palpable and feels like cool water rushing through my body cleansing and revitalizing me.  I can actually FEEL again!!!!!  Between Dewa, yoga, raw food, great friends and well Bali's special energy and warmth I'm feeling quite whole again.  There is still work to be done but I'm making progress every day.

Meeting Dewa has been a blessing.  Not only is he healing me, he's teaching me how to heal myself and control the energy.  Also, because our relationship has been really easy and smooth (we actually new one another from a past life) we are talking about opening a healing centre together.  He has land just outside of Ubud, near a very sacred river.  Healing is best practiced when in connection with nature  so it's perfect.

Many people come to Bali, specifically Ubud for healing.  However because the healers here are powerful and the energy of the land intense itself, most westerners do not know how to integrate the healing into their daily lives.  The often get energetically opened up and then sent on their way often feeling confused and lost.  This can be very dangerous for those who either don't work with energy or who are new to it.

Because I've done quite a bit of work in this field I've been helping others understand what is happening to them and how to integrate it.  Because there are many people in this situation, I've decided to start a support group to help people navigate their spiritual paths.  I've already started a meditation group within the homestay and I'm now looking for space to run a support group.  In the near future, I will be organizing ceremonies and trips to holy springs with Dewa and other people to help them heal.  In a way it's bridging a gap between Eastern healing and Western practices.

So, I'm off to Singapore tomorrow for a couple of days so I can renew my Indonesian Visa for 6 months.  I'm also going to start learning to speak Indonesian so I can work with both locals and Westerners.  I'm not sure where this is all going and I don't really need to.  Everything is effortlessly unfolding as it should and without much planning. I'm just following along where I'm being led to.  I've finally decided to fully show up in my life and I feel fantastic!

More to come...

Climb Every Mountain

When I first started traveling I thought it would be a pilgrimage.  A chance to step away from the norm, explore, expand and evolve. It’s actually turned out to be more of a vision quest.  Digging deeper into my psyche, shedding light on to the places where darkness still resides within me and continually shedding old belief patters and ways of being.

There are certain places on this earth that have a way of calling me to them, knowing exactly what I need in order to evolve and transform.  Cortes was one of them.  Ubud is another. As I stated in my last post, when I arrived here my I knew I needed to slow down and take a rest and my body confirmed that for me.

Since being here I have been going through the worst relapse of MS that I’ve ever had.  For the last 3 weeks I haven’t been able to feel sensations in my left leg or my right arm and the right side of my head and face. I can’t feel the difference in temperature, say with water, and my skin is hypersensitive.  Spatial recognition is also a problem with my leg and arm.  Typing and writing has been difficult, as has eating as I can’t feel food in the right side of my mouth.  Walking, particularly on the uneven sidewalks of Ubud is challenging.  I’ve also felt extreme exhaustion.

I know that my symptoms are a direct result of facing deeply buried fears.  Not wanting to fully feel my experience by still protecting myself against completely opening my heart to my ever changing lifestyle and moving forward in realizing my dreams.  I’m still falling short in expressing and putting out into the world what I really want.  The closer I get to my truth the more by body contracts into it’s dis-ease.  However, that in it’self is the cure.  I know when my body responds like this, I am pushing through the dense darkness and creating space for light and love.  So I know I will get worst before I get better.  A friend of mine recently sent me this quote by Neale Donald Walsh..

"Life begins at the end of your Comfort Zone. So if you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending."

I am feeling physically uncomfortable indeed.  And I know it is my body adapting to change.  I will get better over time by being open to the present moment and not my preferences. As a result of doing some deep healing here, I’ve had to cancel the rest of my trip to allow for space to integrate all the change I’m going through.  I also realized that in some way I was traveling for other people and not me.  Some of the places I was going to was because someone said I should check them out.  Not because I was really interested in going to them. 

As it stands, I’m going to stay in Ubud until I feel better and I get a cue or clue that it’s time for me to move on.  I’m not sure if that means going home or going to another destination, or where that destination will be.  In some ways, I’m a little disappointed that my original itinerary has been dismantled.  I felt like I failed to some degree.  I felt disappointed that my body seemingly failed and that I was suddenly limited as to what I could do and were I can go. However, it is truly a blessing in disguise.   Being in Ubud has helped me regain control of my physical being.

How…continuing to stay in gentle motion by doing yoga, dancing and cycling and staying in relationship with the beautiful people I’ve been meeting as well as those from home.  The biggest contributor however, was being lured to Mt. Batur. (I seem to be on the volcano tour.  First Pele and her sisters in Hawaii, and although I didn’t visit the ones in Fiji I was very aware of their presence, then Tongariro in New Zealand and now Mt.Batur). 

I read about Mt. Batur on the plane from NZ.  This journalist described his journey to the mountain to watch the sunrise.  I though it would be lovely to see it but even then thought that I wouldn’t be able to physically do it.  So I put the idea in the back of my mind.  Also, the one thing I’ve learned about my life journey is that in order to connect with sacred places and spaces I need to either ask permission in meditation or to wait to be invited.  If the answer was no then I respect it and don’t judge it. If the answer was yes or if there was an invitation then to accept it without question.  A month went by before the volcano called me.  I came home one night and Made, the owner of the home-stay I’m in, asked if I wanted to do the sunrise trek up the volcano with some of the other guests.  He was sitting below a photo of the mountain and I knew I had to do it. This meant getting up at 2:30 am and climbing the mountain in the dark to see the sun come up. Knowing I was being called I said ok. 

When we arrived at the mountain, the full moon was out and it was a lovely early morning.  We couldn’t see the mountain as the top was covered in mist.  This was a good thing because if I saw what I was about to get myself into I would have turned around.  So on I went.  It was a 2 hour trek and about a quarter of the way in, not even on the steep slope yet, I began having doubts.  What the hell was I doing?  I had no right to be doing this in the condition I was in.  I could already feel my body getting heavy with protest.

We stopped for a bit and I looked at my friend Christina and said this was a very bad idea for me.  She said not to worry, we have plenty of time, I’ll be fine.  My mind and heart was full of determination and my body was screaming NOOOOOOO!  On I went.  We got to the base of the mountain and you could see other tourists lights  heading vertically up the slope, they looked like stars climging into the sky to take their position for the night.  I involuntarily stopped, my body freezing in fear.  I had tears in my eyes, remembering times when I took such journeys like this for granted.  It seemed like my days of enjoying nature in the way I use to be able to was over.  All of a sudden out of the darkness, our guide, Adit, gently took my hand offering support.  I could feel my will starting to build and new I wasn’t alone.  I had support in Adit as well as Christina behind me.  I could also feel the volcano itself lending me its unwavering strength. I concentrated hard on my movement.  My body shook and shuttered.  I kept imaging my body strong and healthy, envisioning light and love coursing through all my cells.

At one point I felt that that was it.  I couldn’t go on.  I said that I would stay were I was and watch the sunset from here.  Adit kindly said that I wouldn’t see it from where I was.  Again, he reached out and took my hand.  Christina offering words of encouragement from behind.  I felt like I was physically going to die.  I had tears streaming down my cheeks and started praying for help.  The all of a sudden, something in my body shattered.  I suddenly felt lighter and stronger.  It felt like I did physically die, or rather I shed a skin like a snake would, or a caterpillar that finally became a butterfly and started flying.  Energy wildly surged through my body and I had more control over my movements.  I still had to struggle but somehow I felt…great.

Adit kept counting down the minutes.  Almost there.  Five more minutes…One more minute.  Then I looked up and suddenly we were there!  I made it!! I sat down and started to cry.  I can’t fucking believe I just climbed a mountain!  Something in my being significantly shifted.  I sat there and watched the dawning of a new day, a new way, a new life.  I felt fragile, vulnerable and strong all at the same time.  

Carly Jung had once said that the most powerful thing in the Universe is human will. In that moment I knew that statement to be utterly and completely true. I had a deep knowing that if I put my heart, mind and soul to something I could do anything.  If I sincerely put in 100% effort than there is no way I could fail at anything.  Support would always be there in the form of Grace.  Everything is possible and I am free to do anything.

And then I realized, shit…I gotta get off this mountain!  So after a bit of breakfast, and a look around the crater of the volcano. I bowed deeply to the wisdom of the mountain and earth and started down the steep slope.

It was more difficult going down than up even though we now had the light of day.  Gravity is pretty strong and I wasn’t use to my new and already fatigued legs.  Once again, Adit stretched out his hand for support.  There were a few times that my legs gave out and when they did Christina was there to help me up and move on.  Every once in a while I would turn around and look back.  I still couldn’t believe that I climbed up a volcano and yet I now understood why I needed to do it.

I wasn’t going to let MS control my life.  I was no longer going to use it as an excuse not to do things or get out of things I needed to do.  I decided I was going to be strong and healthy.  This doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to listen to my body anymore.  On the contrary, it means I will listen to my body more deeply.  Not the dis-ease, but the inherent wisdom that the body has and how it knows  what it needs to be healthy and strong.  I was no longer going to override it’s natural rhythms and messages.  I finally decided to fully show up in my life and take the driver seat and not let any situation go by without fully experiencing it on all levels.

When I got back home I immediately went to bed.  I slept for a few hours and then rested for in an altered state of consciousness for the rest of the day and night. My body needed time to recuperate and integrate this new state of being.  I also knew that this process would take a couple of weeks to fully integrate itself.  The next day, even though my body was incredibly stiff and soar as hell, I knew I had to move it in order to not relapse into contraction.  So, I went for a massage.

As I was still quite weak from the trek, I had absolutely no physical resistance what-so-ever to the deep tissue massage I was receiving.  I felt like a piece of bubble-wrap.  My masseuse applied pressure in spots I didn’t no I even existed popping an releasing trapped energy with ease.  I lay there breathing deeply into her touch letting her readjust my muscles, ligaments and energy centres into there proper places.  At one point I couldn’t tell the difference between her or me.  My body felt like water, liquidy and soft, flowing naturally in rhythm to my breathing and her touch.  When she was done I had a very hard time getting up and walking.  She guided me to a couch where I rested and drank ginger tea.  When I was able to, I then went to see a friend at his café and he gave me coconut water and an ayurvedic drink that stabilized my energy.  I felt bloody fantastic!!

Since then I’ve been doing restorative yoga, eating raw food and being really gentle with myself.  I’m still experiencing some symptoms of MS and I know that I still have work to do.  I’m taking as much time as I need to recover and once again Ubud is the perfect place to BE.  So why move.

I am eternally grateful to Adit, Christina, John and Tim for their support and wisdom.  I bow in deep gratitude to the Divine Life Force and Mt Batur for challenging me and calling me to step up and release my deepest fears.

OK…next post on the wonders of Ubud and Bali…I promise!

It's never lonely at the top

Sunrise from Mt. Batur

On Top of the World...And a brand new day.

My faithful guide Adit and me.  

Me and Christina

Mt. Batur.  We climbed to the rim of the crater on the right hand
side.  Some daring souls made it to the peak.  I still can't believe I  made it up there!!

Quick Check In

I was suppose to fly to Bangkok on March 25th.  Quite a lot has transpired in that time.  For one, I'm still in Ubud, Bali and I have no idea how long I will be here.  It looks like my itinerary is significantly going to change. However, I'm just not sure what that will look like right now.

I'm not going to stay to much as to why I'm still here. One of the reasons is my body said "NO" to moving on.  I will say that sometimes Life put's me in the places I need to be in rather than the places I want to be in.  Not to say I don't want to be in Bali right now, it's a very easy place to be, however, I didn't think my trip would take a sharp right turn.

I'm safe, and comfortable and doing ok.  Sorry to be so elusive right now.  It will take me a while to write what's happening.  Plus I'm still writing my "practical guide to Ubud".

I'm ok, and it's all good.

Thanks for your patience!!

Physical Resistance and Yoga

I’m not sure when I first heard about yoga, at least in it’s traditional eastern  sense.  Most westerners approach yoga from an egoic physical point of view, and do not connect with it’s deepest truth of interconnectedness with the life force of creation itself.  Some do, but most don’t.  What I do know is that the first time I heard about yoga I automatically resisted it.  I had many egoic judgments around yoga, thought it was wimpy and useless.  Really how could stretching and deep breathing really make a person healthier???   Fast forward 20 years and I’m beginning to see why I resisted a practice that will end up changing my physical life in ways I can’t even imagine yet.

Yoga really is psychotherapy for the body.  It helps to release and integrate the change we experience constantly in out daily lives.  It also helps to restore and balance our mind, heart and body when done properly.  I now understand why I avoided such a practice in my early life.  It’s much like the process I avoided when I first started therapy for my emotional well-being.  I did not want to touch the pain that was deep inside as I felt it would consume me and be to much for me to handle.  I didn’t understand the purpose of exposing myself and being vulnerable. I also didn’t understand that the Universe only gives you what you can handle and also the support you need to go through whatever it is you need to express.  You just need to be sincerious (sincere and serious) about your own personal development and give 100%.

What I’ve also learned is that our souls yearn for wholeness.  We all yearn for love, connection and wellness, which is inherently our birthright.  Yet we all fight against it everyday.  The very things we know will help us reach balance, happiness and enlightenment are the very things we avoid because of the way we have been conditioned.  This becomes our life struggle.  Many of us, myself included, do not listen deeply enough to our own need and many of us do not learn to say “no”.  If we cannot learn to say “no”, our yes’s mean nothing.

Back to yoga.  I resisted yoga, on an intellectual level, because it didn’t’ fit into my family system.  We were a family of hockey players and other intense aggressive sports.  Anything outside that realm was debased and ignored.  My brother did to karate for a while but it wasn’t for finding balance.  It was a way of fighting and protecting one’s self.  Much like my concealed love of psychology and all things esoteric, I was intrigued by the physical practices of yoga, tai chi, qi gong and other forms of eastern movement.  Yet every time I was what my opinions were of these practices I scoffed at them because I wanted to fit in with my family.  Yet I could feel my heart pounding behind my chest yelling “YES”!  I could also feel my body yelling even louder “FUCK NO”!!  The fear of releasing all the emotional pain and other physical trauma’s I’ve keep physically in my body was stronger than my will to change at that time.

When I started going to therapy, particularly when I was working with Brent, I thought that just being able to express myself in a healthy manner would be enough to heal me.  I thought that by allowing myself to be seen, vulnerable and supported, I would be able to be free of my fears and illnesses.  I thought that I could cure my MS through this practice. For the most part that is true.  I am much more healthier, mentally and emotionally than ever before.  I feel incredibly free and find the challenges of life much easier to deal with.  I fully understand that whatever happens in life “it’s all good”.  Meaning that all events in our lives are opportunities to excavate, explore, engage and evolve our consciousness.  Even during the worst moments of our lives we are shown where we need to surrender and let go of whatever it is that holds us back from fully engaging in the richness of life.

This was not an easy change to make. When I sinceriously starting to deepen into my authentic self, my ego resisted in every way possible.  I would skirt around issues, I would try other modalities of healing to avoid doing the real work that needed to be done.  Only to realize that I was continuing to fool myself thinking I was getting somewhere.  Yet I would end up in situations where I kept asking “why in hell does this keep happening to me”?  Duh, probably cause I hadn’t learned how to deal with it in a healthy productive way…avoidance was my game.  So I then I decided to stop fooling around and get down to business.

When I started meditating and particularly going on retreats, all sorts of things would start happening to prevent me from digging in my dirt and  begin stilling my heart and mind.  Before meditation retreats and intense weekend in my training program (I was studying at the Transpersonal Therapy Centre, see link on left hand side), I would lose my house keys, or get sick, or something would happen at work that I would use to make excuses not to go…it became a running joke when retreats or weekends would come up that disaster was looming in the air. The excuses I made up to avoid the fire of purification that this process brings on were endless.  However, I was able to push through the endless judgments and noise in my head to do what needed to be done.  Now I look forward to the days when I can spend in silence. However, I have yet to integrate this into a physical practice. 

Our bodies are the most dense part of our being and it takes a very long time to integrate any kind of change physically.  Hence any spiritual practice needs to be an integral one. Yoga literally means yolk, the essential part or inner core, and therefore needs to be integral practice combining all three elements. Mind, body and soul/heart.  If we are going to strive for wholeness all three need to be engaged.  We need to be able to release trauma and pain on a mental, emotional and physical level.  Although I’ve been doing quite a bit of work in helping my physical body incorporate love and light.  I haven’t been good at finding ways to allow the energy to flow through me.  This trapped energy is cause of my MS.  I have so much energy trapped inside of me that I’m short circuiting my nervous system.

Granted I’m doing much better than I was when I was first diagnosed.  I’ve never taken any traditional drugs for MS, aside from a few steroid treatments and I’ve stopped doing those as well.  Usually they put you on steroid for life.  Instead I’m deeply listening to what my body needs in every moment.  Whether it’s food, sleep, rest or motion, I do my best to meet my physical needs.  However, I have fallen short on the motion piece.

Much like when I first started therapy, I’ve tried quite a few types of movement thinking I can get away with not doing the real work and get physically better. Not to say that other modalities, such as dance, free movement, body sculptures haven’t helped.  They certainly have.  Especially massage and other forms of healing touch.  However, they have also fallen short.  Actually, since being diagnoses I’ve been afraid to move because I knew what I would have to deal with. However, my resistance to physical yoga is futile. 

Feeling the need for a deeper physical practice and no longer being able to resist it, I started doing yoga on Cortes Island.  In the 3 months I was there I managed to get 3 classes in and I cried at each one.  Most days, I made the same excuses as I did for my regular therapy.  I’m to tired, the time of the class wasn’t right, there something else that’s much more fun going on…on and on they went.  I’m paying for my fears now.

Had I started a yoga practice earlier, traveling wouldn’t have been so hard or scary.  The fear I first felt when I left affected me physically.  I felt tired and weak for the first month.  I was grateful for meeting Ellen and Carolyn as they both enjoyed hiking and encouraged me to keep moving.  But hiking isn’t enough.  It’s a very safe comfortable movement that doesn’t engage the whole body. The specific moves and postures of yoga have a away of getting into the nooks and crannies of all your joints, muscles, ligaments and organs.  Much like the mind and heart, pain and trauma are very good at hiding in places you would never think to look.  Therefore it is necessary to be very thorough and meticulous in your practice.

Ubud, Bali is a hot bed of yogic practices.  There are endless yoga studios and various forms of yoga here and with very cheap prices.  The studios are stunning to boot.  Most stone and or grass hut open air buildings with stunning views of valleys or rice fields.  It’s worth to go to class alone just for the view.  Even with all it’s beauty and peacefulness,  I’ve been running into the same resistant problems my mind and heart went through.  My body is totally resisting the work.  The first day I got lost.  Ubud is filled with footpaths and alleyways that are not always marked.  The second day the taxi brought me to the wrong studio and I missed the class.  I over slept one morning and yesterday I rolled my ankle on the way to class.  It’s funny that something that is sooooo beneficial is sooo damn hard to make happen.

Much like the retreats and weekend thought I’m pushing through.  I’ve made it to four classes and struggled through each one.  There are certain poses that hit areas of pain and I cry.  I don’t need to know the story behind the pain right now, it’s enough just to feel it and release it.  Most of the time there are no images, colours or thoughts.  Just raw emotion or sensations.  Each class there is a release and I’m feeling physically better each day.  I’m being really gentle with myself and pushing deeper beyond my edges each day.  I often leave with my body buzzing, my head aching and dizzy.  But after drinking tons of water and some rest my body feels more in balance.

I still have plenty of work to do…actually there is always work to be done.  I am enjoying the safety, peacefulness and warmth of Bali, letting it heal me in the same way Cortes did.  I’m already grateful for this experience.

OH SHITTT  I’M LATE FOR CLASS!!!! This is what I’m dealing with!!!!!

What's Up???

I was on my way to yoga today and rolled my ankle.  Ubud's sidewalks, when there is one, are not the most even, flat surfaces, and there are usually 2x3 drainage grates every 10 feet that one can easily get stuck in if your not watching where your going.  I was in a hurry for my class and caught a loose stone off the curb.

I've been keeping it elevated and staying off of it, however I can't ice it as ice doesn't stand a chance in 100 degree heat (no exaggeration with the heat).  It is feeling a bit better but still can't put to much pressure on it for long. So I may be held up in Bali for a while.  I'm doing alright and the family I'm staying with is great.

Then I just found out that my safari in Africa has been canceled due to unspecified reasons...

Ohh Universe....what are you up to???