Silent Nights

As the year winds down to a close, I find that I too go deeper into my inner world and retreat from the chaos of the world.  For the last 3 years, the holiday season has been a time for me to retreat into silence and reflect on the year as well as to set intentions and recharge for the year to come as well as to "just sit".  I didn't think I would do one this year because so much has changed.  However, I'm finding that this year I need it more.  So from the 24th to the 1st  I'll be on retreat.

This year seems to more significance though than previous years as much has gone on not only for me as an individual but for the collective as well.  This year has been a time of great challenge and change for many people all around the world.  I've also seen many people come into to clarity around their life path as well. Who knows what will transpire in 2012.

This retreat will be considerably different from the ones I've done in the past.  For one, this will be the first time I won't be sitting with my community, at least in the physical sense, up in Bancroft ON.  In fact I won't be sitting with anyone at all.  This retreat I will do solo.  As much as I love sitting in community, I'm looking forward to being alone this time.  It feels right and timely.  And it is an absolutely LOVELY, powerful spot that I have rented.  In fact, it is a place I'm considering possibly co-owning if I can find the right investors. I'm hoping that sitting in this space things will become clear. I will say more about this in the new year.

As for my trip....I will be making a slow pilgrimage to India.  Making stops in Hawaii, Fiji, Bali, Thailand, up and over the Bay of Bengal into India.  From India...??? I'll let that be revealed when the time comes.  I know I want to go to the middle east, Turkey, Israel, Egypt....who knows.  There are so many possibilities and timing IS the essence...

I will be booking tickets in the new year.  This means I will probably be staying on Cortes for another month or so until all the details and visa's are worked out.  It's funny, I felt like I needed to rush off the island, rush off to different places, rush off to...where?  I have nothing but time so it is time I will take to do what needs to be done.  I'm learning the art of really, really slowing down.  Breathe...Stop....Listen...Look...Feel...Smell..Touch....Taste....Be.

I'm grateful for the time to retreat before I throw myself into a worldly adventure.  I feel like I'm waking up to a completely new life, a new way of being, with new visions, and a real sense that anything is possible.

I wish you all a safe and Happy Holiday and Happy New Year!  My you all be Blessed with peace, love and joy!!!

Cortes Cottage

Many people have been asking me to describe where I'm staying.  Here it is!  A very beautiful spot indeed.  I hope one day to return in the summer though.

the beach is about 100 meters from our front porch.  We just
need to cut through the blueberry farm to get there. 

My private sanctuary. The bed is close to where I'm
taking the photo from.

The living room. 

The kitchen up top.  The bathrooms and bedrooms are up to the left.  There
more rooms downstairs as well.  7 rooms in total. 2 bathrooms.

Noshi (Algonquin name for Father).  Noshi  and I sit together
everyday.  He sometimes follows me through the woods as well.  I'm sure he's Dad
reincarnated. 

The Cottage and Noshi

The Invitation

Here is a very beautiful, powerful poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer I read when I need strength to continue to push myself to explore, excavate, expand and grow.  I thought I would share it.  Blessings to you all.

The Invitation

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon.
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!
I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true.
I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!"
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

by
Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Trees, Rocks and Sand Oh My...

More images from Cortes...

Cortes has many unusual beautiful
trees

Fallen Lovers

The Octopuss

The Octopus from below

Little Friends (still need to find out the species)

Little Friend with breakfast

The Arburtus tree is one of my favourites.  It is said to be the
tree of knowledge.  It sheds it red bark every spring and reveals
it's soft smooth woody flesh that is great for making things with.

There are two wolf packs on the island that frequent the beach
near the house I live in.  I haven't seen them but hear them at night often

The beaches of the Northern Islands are covered with driftwood.
Many people collect it for building their houses with as well as
for decorative art

Beach driftwood.

lines

The Dance...(wolf, geese and deer prints all together!)

Bird Watch

Since I can't take this piece with me....

pigs in trees (same tree above)

Barking Mad ( you guessed it...same tree)

rock and water

This is very cool.  It's the same driftwood I was
sitting on above.  Little white tubes caused by bugs.

Out to sea.

Cortes is world famous for it's oysters.

Whale rock

The Abyss and the Moon

I had a dream, actually it was more of a vision/warning a couple of nights ago that has caused a huge shift in me. Here it is:

It was the middle of the night, pitch black, and I was on a huge ship in the center of the ocean.  Not quite a cargo ship but not a cruise ship either.  I was a little freaked out being on it as in waking life I’m not a fan of such boats.  I love the water, I love canoeing, kayaking, swimming, ferries are ok, but those ships…not so much.

I was walking on the deck heading toward the bow of the ship.  I noticed that there was no barrier at all between the bow and the ocean.  Kinda like a warship that planes land on.  As I approached the edge I became more uneasy but felt the need to look over the side.  The ship was rocking a little so I laid down on my stomach to look over.  There were whales and dolphins surfing off the bow of the boat.  I could also hear them calling to me.  They wanted me to jump in with them and swim.  I could feel in my heart that I wanted to jump.  As I started to get up to jump in, the boat started to list and I became frightened and ran back to the comfort of the interior of the ship.

I went inside and down into a space that was fairly open.  It seemed to have a glass wall so that you can see what was going on under the ocean.  As I looked I saw a snake-like creature swim past.  It was almost Loch Ness monster like but without fins or legs.  I stood in awe, full of wonderment, and asked if anyone else had seen it.  My older brother was there and some other people I didn’t recognize but felt familiar.  They said they saw it as well and were frightened.  Then as we moved along, we sailed by a plane that had crashed into the sea.  I started to feel frightened and just at that moment the boat shook.  I realized we were sinking.

All of us started to head back up to the deck of the boat but got trapped in a hall passage.  It was a tight passage way and the door behind us closed as did the door in front of us.  I tried the door and it was already sealed shut.  On the door was written in thick red letters “ You have 20 minutes of air left to live.”  Water started to seep up from the ground fast and began covering us.  As the water rose up to my neck  I said to my brother and the others there “just remember that I love you.”  The water went over my head and just before I started to drown my phone rang and I woke up.

What was interesting was, it felt as if my very good friend from Toronto, whom I love dearly, threw me a lifeline and saved me.  I was incredibly happy and grateful to hear her sunny voice. 

I immediately had a sense of what the dream meant.  The dolphins and the whales new I was on a sinking ship.  They were asking me to take a risk and jump into the unknown.  They were there to support and help me.  Instead of following my heart, I chose the comfort and safety of what I already knew not wanting to take the risk.  Yet, that comfort and safety, old ways of protecting myself was also going to kill me.

I recently met someone whom I’m quite attracted to.  I feel comfortable and safe around him.  I realized that he is also very much like all the men that I’ve been attracted to my whole life. That is the archetypal energies of the emotionally unavailable and unrequited love. Beautiful, unconsciously heart-centred men, with difficulties, sometimes severe difficulties with intimacy and real relationship. This type would rather run than risk being open to love. I know them extremely well and continually come into contact with them. I’m really, really tired of them and I don’t want to bang my head on that wall anymore. Even knowing this, I’m always looking for ways to connect with him.  What’s funny is nothing is working.  The Universe isn’t supporting us getting together either. It knows my patterns too and is testing me to see if I will run back to safety.  It should be as simple as, if it’s meant to happen it will.  If not, than not.  It’s all good.  Yeah…Easier said than done.  I’m constantly battling with trying to force something to happen, rather than letting things be the way they are.  Let’s face it who here likes to wait and just keep moving on doing what needs to be done?

I noticed with him, the same familiar patterns of thought  and behaving that have led me to many broken hearts in the past. But it isn’t just about him.  There are other patterns associated with this that need to be healed and broken as well. Everything is connected. And…at the same time, I’m trying to leave my heart open to whatever needs to take place so I can heal.  Sometimes that means breaking my heart open even more to reveal the diamond, the Divine Love hidden within me.  A very sticky, tricky paradox.

I also know that I need to heal these energies so I can move on which means healing them within myself.  Yet, I’m also scared to let go of the comfort and familiarity of them even though I know it’s not healthy for me to hold on.  If I let go and take the risk of loving someone different or someone available….I’m jumping into the unknown. 

Here’s the rub though…

I had to go into Campbell River (on Vancouver Island, but an actual city) to pick up a roommate who went back to Vancouver for a week.  We decided to meet there so we can also pick up supplies (everything is pretty much closed on the Island and food is pretty expensive).  This involved taking two ferries.  On the way back it was already dark and the ocean as black as oil.  The first ferry is a short 10 minute stretch and a bigger boat.  We where the last car on and couldn’t see the water.  The second ferry is a smaller boat, and 45 minutes long and we were the first car on.

As soon as the ferry left the dock it turned out all the lights save a few.  It was very, very dark as the clouds covered the sky.  As we sailed out I realized that there was no barrier at the front of the ferry.  My dream came flooding back.  I was literally living my dream save a few details.  I knew I had to go and stand outside closer to the water.  As I got out of the car, I told my two friends that if the ferry sunk just remember I love them both.

I got out into the cool of the evening.  The wind was gently blowing causing the ferry to rock more than what I have been accustom to.  I meditatively walked to the very front of the boat.  There was only a small chain going across the front separating me from the water.  My heart started to pound with fear, my breath shortened and my body started to contract.  I stared into the black abyss of the ocean. I could feel my heart thumping harder to the point where I thought it would burst through my chest.  I was completely uncomfortable and I felt my full Being resist the unknown. I started to turn back to safety and then I remembered my dream.  I was been given the opportunity to choose differently, to change the dream. I stopped.  I slowly turned back to face the ocean and focused on my breathing.  The more intense my heart beat, the more I breathed deeply into it.  This battle continued for at least 10 minutes.  The wanting of safety and security and comfort, and the need to face my fear of jumping into the abyss.  I felt like I was going to explode.   Just as the intensity became completely unbearable, I heard the voice of my teacher, in my heart, “Don’t cling to anything that you can’t take with you on a sinking ship.”

POP!!!!

In that very moment I knew if I had seen a whale or a dolphin I wouldn’t have hesitated one millisecond to jump in.  By facing the black abyss of the unknown, literally, by simply breathing through it, I  broke through the fear and was released into freedom. My body, mind and soul totally relaxed and softened. Just as all this happened, the clouds also broke revealing a beautiful white moon that cast a brilliant silvery light onto the darkness of the ocean.  My lifeline.  Light within the darkness.  I felt incredibly happy, grateful and alive!  And…full of Light and Love.  Even if the ferry did sink, it wouldn’t have mattered one bit. 

I also understood that it isn’t just material objects that I can’t take with me into the unknown.  It’s old outdated thoughts, belief systems, and ways of being.  Everything has to go.  The only thing I can hold onto is Light and Love.  It’s always there, always present.  Even when it seems to be hidden behind the clouds, Love is always there and all I have to do is fully open to It.  It doesn't matter what happens as long as I live with the sincerity and integrity of my heart.  The Universe will then take care of the rest.

Waiting

Still on Cortes...waiting, wondering, where the 120kmph winds will take me next.

Nowhere

Nowhere

Now here

You are

exactly where

You

Are

Meant

to

BE

Treasure Island

When I first heard of Cortes I immediately thought of pirates and treasure.  A mysterious little island in the North Pacific that little is know about and yet when you hear the name it draws you in like a well told tale.  Well, I have discovered that Cortes is definitely magical and mysterious and there is extremely valuable treasure to be found here. What's funny is that you are both the map and the treasure, the Island is the energetic key to unlocking it all.  I've been pirated by this land and it’s raking me through the coals. Although the treasure, the gold within me, hasn't been completely unearthed as of yet, I'm finding a trail of clues in the sea, sky and land that will hopefully lead to it's full discovery.

It’s taken me a long time to sort out what has been happening to me on Cortes.  When I first arrived I was in very good spirits and fairly balanced considering all that has transpired in my life in the last year.  Within a week I started to feel more and more depressed and entered a rather dark space.  I didn’t like the Island at all and couldn’t seem to connect to it in the way others were raving about. I couldn’t feel the magic. The Island is very beautiful but I was totally ambivalent about it.  For one, I was having a hard time connecting to nature, which for me is extremely scary.  Strange.

I did find out that the room I was staying in was used to do energy work by the previous volunteers.  There were a few nights were I was woken up by the sensation of being pushed.  I told one of my roommates and they gave me some copal to cleanse the room.  It took me about 45 minutes to do it but the energy did shift.  I also smudged myself and felt better.  However the next day I was sick with a cold and it also wasn’t the answer or end to my decent into darkness.

For the first time in a very, very long time, I couldn’t get a grasp on my inner journey. I felt frustrated because every time I thought I moved through whatever was paining me, I felt OK for a short while and then I would be thrown off kilter again.  This has gone on for weeks.  Usually when I’m being dismantled, or triggered by something or someone, I have a fairly good idea as to what’s going on and work on it.  For some reason I wasn’t able to even begin to figure this out.

A couple of nights ago at 3 am under a full moon, a two male dear started to fight.  I watched them from my bedroom window in our yard. They chased each other in the yard, smashing their heads together, entangling their horns, pushing and pulling one another back and forth.  It was incredibly graceful, powerful and beautiful to watch.  And I also began to understand the symbology of it.  It was a representation of the struggle within me, between heart, head and spirit and the struggle I have with male energies.  All of this being held under the feminine power of the moon.

It was then began to see and feel that the Goddess was at work.  She is very much alive in the land and the land is dismantling me and pushing me further and deeper into consciousness than I've ever gone before.  She was working me over and raking me through the coals bringing things up that needed to be addressed and released.  Cortes Island is indeed very, VERY, powerful, magical and mystical.  You can either come here and feel total cathartic peace and love like my roommates, or you will be completely dismantled and purified by the heart’s fire like me and some others I know.

Either way this Island will give you exactly what you need to further your evolutionary process whether you like it or not.  I'm being torn apart in ways I never imagined.  And as much as I want to leave...it is like the Bermuda Triangle here.  First, it’s magical, magnetic energy completely threw my inner and outer compasses off, I felt and feel directionless.  Then my energies, mind and heart where scrambled so intensely I couldn't get a hold of anything. As much as I wanted to leave and never come back, the Island mystically holds you until it is done with you whether you like it or not.

Now that I know the power of this place and what I'm dealing with, I ask the Goddess what I need to surrender and I give it to her without question. Sometimes it is the male God energy, and sometimes it is the Goddess. I am often on my knees in dirt, sand, water, and rock in excruciating pain sometimes not even knowing what I’m crying or screaming about, just trusting that what is being done is for the Greater Good.  Purification.

I do feel like I’m letting go centuries of pain and suffering.  I feel like I’m cleansing and purging everything.  I also feel that a right-of-passage is taking place, emerging slowly and gently .  With both my parents having passed on, along with all my grand-parents,  I feel like a changing of the guards is taking place and not just for me, but for my generation. We are now the one's who will be holding the container for the younger generations below us. We are now becoming the Keepers of Knowledge and Wisdom.  The Boomers have done their job.  It is now my/our responsibility to ensure life lessons are passed along.  I feel that this is part of the transition that is taken place in me and on earth which is why so many people are in transition and/or traveling around looking for spiritual refuge.  I feel like it is time for me to take my place in that puzzle wherever and whatever that looks like.

Now that I have a firmer grip on what is transpiring here I’m more willing to go through the experience openly.  I’m also more grounded.  I’m hoping to take a right of passage ceremony with a Peruvian Shaman who just happens to live on the Island.  This will help with all the transitions I am going through and hopefully unlock the things in me that need to be released that I cannot access on my own. This will be happening in the next couple of weeks.

So indeed Cortes is a magical mystical place.  Treasure, pure gold, can be found here.  You just have to dig in your own heart to find it.  Believe me…the land will do it’s part to support you. Sometimes it can be found easily, sometimes you have to pay the price.  Either way, it’s well worth the adventure if you are seeking to find the Truth within yourself.

Still Alive at Hollyhock

Just a quick one to say I'm still at Hollyhock.  I've been sick with a cold and extreme weakness for the last week and a half so I haven't been doing much at all.  Thank God I'm in a cozy house instead of my tent!  It's amazing how things work out.  My housemates are great and have been looking after me.  Hollyhock to has been wonderful support as well.  Back on my feet and back to work for the next week.

Still not sure where I'll be going.  This isn't coming from a place of fear though.  There's much going on that I will write about later.  I'm hoping it will be a warm, sandy beach.

More to come...

Eagle at Squirrel Cove, Cortes Island BC

Unfortunately this isn't a long one or to exciting.  I didn't have my tripod with me so it's a little shaky as the beach I was on was rather rocky.

Hollyhock

I'm currently at Hollyhock Retreat Centre on Cortes Island, BC.  It is now called a learning centre and offers all sorts of workshops geared towards personal development.  Somewhere along the way calling something spiritual is now almost politically incorrect.  However, this place is very spiritual.

Hollyhock is considered to be Esalen north minus the Californian weather and the natural hot springs.  Hollyhock has hot tubs that over look the ocean but their not quite the same and beautiful none the less.

I haven't quite figured out Hollyhock thus far and will wait for a few more days to settle in before I write anything.  I will though share some photos with you for now.

View from Cortes Island BC, looking toward Vancouver Island

Cortes Island, BC

Cortesean heading home.

Local ferry trafic

Manson's Landing, Cortes Island

Yellow Boat

My first jellyfish!!

Smelt Bay, Cortes Island

The flock.

Yellow flower

Tree outside the Beach house

Garden Gate at Hollyhock

Hollyhock's Parking Lot

Lunch time

Hey where's the wasabe?

Graceful Flight

The Sanctuary (cob building)

The Sanctuary's Garden Doors.

Inside the Sanctuary (my favourite building)

Om

The Lodge and Garden

Hearts Everywhere!!

Beach Art

Shells and Sand

Hollyhock's Beach House.