Changing Times

No I haven't dropped off the planet and apologize for not keeping the site and my photos up to date. I've been caught up in a fantastical series of events that has repeatedly changed my perspective on life.  So much so I've given up even having perspective.  What's the point of holding on to something that will change the moment you "think" you understand, have a clue, or get it? I don't know and I don't understand and I'm loving this state of innocent exploration.

What could have possibly happened to generate this?  I can only say a whole heap of Divine Grace.

I am in the process of writing my adventures and working on organizing my photo's.  You'll have to bear with me though, because there is a lot!

I will say that I'm back living in Bali for an undetermined amount of time. I'm in good spirits and health and missing you all back home.

To be continued....

Dental Holidays

There are some redeeming qualities to being in Indonesia.  One is the dentistry here. 

Before I left Toronto I had some major dental work done.  I had 3 crowns put in which in total cost me just over $10,000.  Thankfully I was still insured by U of T and they covered roughly three quarters of it. But it still left me with $2500 bill.  I was going to have all my mercury fillings (3 of them) replaced however that would have added another $1500 to $2000 to my already outrageous tab. I was giving it serious consideration and have them done, but I didn’t quite have my funds together just yet, so I decided to wait.  I’m glad I did.

A couple of weeks ago I was talking to my friend about dentistry.  He said that the dentists here are very cheap and very reliable.  So I decided to check it out.  He gave me the name and number of a dentist he uses in Denpasar which is about an hour away from Ubud depending on traffic.

As I sat reading in the waiting room, I heard a song that reminded me of a friend back home.  I leaned my head against the wall and allowed the memories and love wash over me.  As I did I heard this Australian accent ask me if I was nervous.  I told her no I was just thinking of a friend.  We got talking and she said that many, many Aussies come here on dental holidays.  She said that the dental prices in the land of Oz where rather exorbitant and that for the price of any surgery they can fly to Bali, have the procedures done at ¾’s of the price and enjoy the beaches in between appointments.  Even factoring in food and hotels it’s still much cheaper.

So when it was my turn to see Dr. Wibisono I was curious to see just how much difference the price is.  WOW.  It cost me a total of $150 to have all 3 fillings replaced!  And a cleaning!  Dr. Wibisono studied dentistry at UCLA and used all the latest equipment.  He was very slow and meticulous.  I was in the chair for just over 2 hours.  Even though he was slow, he was very thorough and stopped often to check in with me.  I left his office mercury free and very, very happy with the amount I had spent.

So if you have any major dental work to be done I highly suggest a dental holiday.  Do some research, you can even find helpful advise on Trip Advisor.  I found that Mexico and Southeast Asia are the destinations to go for such excursions. Really, you can spend $10 grand on your mouth at home, or you can spend the same amount of money (or less), get the same quality of work done if not better, and go on holiday at the same time.  What could be better than that!

Frustration

A month and an half later, I finally received my bloody ATM card!  It’s really hard to know who to get really pissed at so I chose everyone.  My bank repeatedly got the information I was giving them wrong.  I was literally spelling out every word I said using the Nato phonetic alphabet to assure no spelling errors, yet they still managed to mess it up. Even after having the supervisor repeat my address and phone number to me twice.  

The first attempt at having my card delivered I was not given a tracking number.  When I called to find out where my card was 10 days after the initial order, I was told it was sent back as my street and house didn’t exist.  Now I know we live in the land of illusion, however I’m not that far gone to make up an entire village.

Second attempt…Now very agitated as I was running out of cash which is Indonesian’s favorite way of doing business or they add 3% to your charge card if they even take it.  I gave my bank a different address, my friend’s restaurant, made the supervisor repeat the address and phone number 3 times.  I was assured once again it would be there quicker as they now use VISA’s method of shipment.  10 days later…no fucking card.  I called my bank back to find out they had no record of me ordering a second card!  This is a major financial institution where talking about.  Not only did they not have record of a second card somehow they lost the notes saying that I was traveling.  And my email address was erased. At least my money was still there. Anger now really starting a rolling bubbling under the skin.  So beyond the supervisor I go.

Third attempt…Fucking pissed!  After tearing quite a few strips off the manager I was absolutely assured that my card would get to me in 3 days.  Three days go by…no card.  Fuck.  Call the bank yet again bypassing customer service, supervisors and right to as high as I could go, I finally obtained a tracking number for my card.  Here is why they don’t give tracking numbers out...My card left Toronto, then went to Louisville, Kentucky.  From Kentucky back up to Anchorage, Alaska.  From Alaska to Hong Kong, from Hong Kong to Changi, Singapore, to Jakarta Indonesia, to Denpasar, Bali, Indonesia and then…well then they had no idea what to do with it.  How is this express post?  It’s bad enough that a 1^st world country can’t manage express mail, but then there is the Indonesian Post…I’m surprised anything gets delivered here at all.

I checked the tracking number and when I saw that they tried to deliver my card twice and was going to sent back I absolutely lost it!  I hunted down the phone number for the Denpasar UPS office, which is about an hour from Ubud, and managed to get them before they put my card back in the mail.  “I’m sorry Mme, but your address is in correct”  BULLSHIT!!  Not only that they didn’t even attempt to call me to check and they had my phone number!  What it came down too…money of course.  I had to pay duty and taxes and a something a little extra to get my card.

I was warned about this.  But to experience the corruption that goes on here in infuriating. Not just in Indonesia but with the banking system in North America…OK the World Bank. I did my absolute best to have my bank pay for everything and of course they will have none of it.  I did my best to make suggestions to the Indonesian Post…They didn’t care as long as you are able to spend money. They don’t get it if you don’t have your card you can’t spend. Of course the more you open your mouth the more likely you are to get yourself in trouble..  Something I really don’t need or want to experience.  The more I’m exposed to the fuckery of the world the more I want to hide out in the mountains and lakes in some vast space.  Looks like I might be coming home after all.

Now after all this I’m very leery of using the ATM machines in Indo as it was one that swallowed my card to begin with.  Thank God I’m leaving in a week.

Moonlit Ride

The moon was out in all Her glory

Luminating bubbles of soft white light through the silhouetted palms

The snaking road unraveling itself to me

Opening up gently as a lover opens his arms anticipating a soft embrace

A peaceful breeze kisses my face as I glide through sleepy villages.

I weave through the fields as if weaving time itself,

The fireflies dance in the darkness, sparkling like slowly falling stars

I listen intently to the sounds of nocturnal bliss over-toned by my motorcycle's hum.

The machine is responsive to my every move

As if it has now become a part of me

Fully trusting

I am free, I am flying

Warm tears of bliss fall gracefully down my cheeks

As I now understand the sheer ecstasy of riding this two wheeled miracle.

I want to ride forever as far as the roads will take me and back again.

jkr

Little Girl

After 2 months of intense work I had a complete shift in perspective and found someone I thought I had lost...my inner child.  This poem I wrote is a result of that shift...

The Little Girl she dances and sings
She sees all that this wonderful life brings!
PLAY! PLAY! PLAY! She stands high on tip-toes and SCREAMS!!!
In joyous tears she absolutely beams!

Reunited at last in heart
Her and I will never again part
Dear One see the pink flower in the field of fun?
Let's go get it..1!...2!..3! RUN!!!

What about the cloud high up in the air?
Do you think bunnies have the same fluffy white hair?
It doesn't matter what time it is or where we have to be
As long as I'm with her and she with me.

Under Construction

My how time flies.  I shake my head in utter wonderment went I think that I’ve been in Bali for 5 months.  Almost half a year.  Where does time go?  Better yet where do I go?

I never in my life imagined that I would be living on a tropical island.  It’s strange because Bali would definitely not be the first, second, third or even fourth place I would choose to live.  I’m not even sure if it would make the list at all once I’ve explored the planet a little more. Yet here I am.

So what have I been up to?  I always find this question difficult to answer, especially to those who do not subscribe to evolutionary consciousness or spiritual awakening.  But that is in fact exactly what I have been up to.  And not in the way that most westerners would approach either subject.  Yes I’m doing a little reading and light research in the external world.  Discussing various aspects of what spirituality and evolutionary consciousness means in terms of sacred texts, sacred geometry, symbolism, rituals and ceremonies or what-have-you.  No, the way I approach both of these subjects is by internally excavating, exploring and expanding my own nature and behavioral patterns.

It takes an enormous amount of time, energy, patience, humility, sincerity, seriousness and some relaxation and humour to awaken to one’s true self.  And what is frustrating is, is it doesn’t reflect in the external world.  It’s not like writing an essay, a report or building something that one can see progress being made.  One might be able to detect small changes in personality or the way I do things, but for the most part I “seem to be the same”.  Meanwhile I’ve been through leaps and bounds of internal shifts that have had dramatic affects on the way I think, feel and behave. The external expression of this takes time as I integrate all these shifts and revelations into my experience.  Much like anything else, it takes time to learn new things through repetition, trial, error and then success.  And, quite often what I uncover isn’t meant to be externalized at all as it is just a sensation of deepening awareness.

It is the most difficult thing there is to do in life, and it is also the most rewarding.  It is the biggest unseen, thankless job to most of the world. In the western mindset spiritual practice is seen as being selfish, used as a scapegoat to get out of work, relationships, environments and other obligations.  When in fact, if one sinseriously takes up a spiritual practice, you become selfless, more present and open to healthier relationships and create more sustainable healthier environments.  When you look after your inner world you take better care of your outer world.  If you ignore your inner world, that to gets reflected in your outer world too.  It’s really not that complicated and yet for some reason most people do not understand that concept. And then they do no understand they judge.

So to answer the question what have I been up too? I've been under construction. I have been digging deep into my own dirt, clearing it away so I can live more freely and continue designing my life the way I want to live it.  Actually it feels more like landmines unceremoniously going off every 3 minutes, leaving gaping openings for my soul to shine through.  For some reason the last couple of months have been extremely intense.  The veils of illusion that I’ve held in front of me for way to long have been ripped away leaving me feeling defeated, deflated, humiliated, vulnerable, raw and ultimately completely free.  I can now clearly see what work still needs to be done and how to do it.  Because of my physical condition I haven’t been doing much exploring, yoga or any kind of movement.  Now though that I’m feeling much, MUCH better I intend to get out and explore the outer world once again.  With my camera.

I no longer need to bare the weight of my past or be concerned about the future.  I no longer need to carry the feeling of being responsible for other people’s lives and decisions. I can offer them love and support but it’s not my responsibility to hold on to their pain and suffering. I no longer need to worry about protecting myself against possibly being hurt. And even if I do get hurt at least I know I tried.  At least I know I took the risk to try something new.  At least I know I have choices, many choices in how I want to experience life.  I can now fully trust myself and the unknown without going into anxiety, worrying about what “could” happen.  Best of all I feel so free just to be!  I’ve once again found my inner child.  I’ve found the sense of fun and play that I’ve been missing for so long.  I am also getting closer to knowing exactly what it is in life I want to experience and how I want to participate in this world.

I haven’t been able to do this all on my own. Bali has provided me with external situations that pointed directly to the places in me that needed cleaning.  I have friends in Ubud and my most Beloved community and Teacher/Friend back home who have been gracefully guiding me through this each step of the way.  My family has been very patient with me as well.

So that’s what I’ve been up to. Some days I work very hard at my awakening.  Some days are spent vacillating between watching the butterflies and birds dance in my garden, or movies online.  It may not seem like much to the outer world and people will have their opinions.  That’s ok.  I’m very happy what I’m doing and grateful for the life I have.

Time flies...

My God I cannot believe how time flies...I'm still alive, still in Bali and still have nothing to post yet.  Thank you for your patience while I find where I put my creative spark...hopefully it will return soon...I've joined a writers group so I'm hoping to get a good fire going and have something more substantial posted in the very near future....

Love to you all

xoxo

Being A Long Time

I know it's been forever....I will have something later on.  All is...strangely rich in Bali.  Be back soon!

Based in Bali

I know I know...I still need to write a practical guide to Bali as well as update my photos including captions on Flickr...I've been floating in a vortex of magical synchronicities lately and have fallen behind on my writing and connecting.

Since climbing Batur things really ramped up. Actually, what's been happening is life has become seamless. One thing gracefully flowing into another without effort.  I had to move homestays because I wasn't able to stay in the one I was in for as long as I needed to.  I moved into one that is in town and much much cheaper and just as nice.  Some friends of mine where already staying there so it already felt like home.

Since moving here, I met a traditional Balinese healer by the name of Dewa.  This man IS a miracle and empty vessel that transmits perfect Life Force vibrations.  Since seeing him I now have feeling and strength in both my legs and I feel full of energy and love.  The energy he has is very palpable and feels like cool water rushing through my body cleansing and revitalizing me.  I can actually FEEL again!!!!!  Between Dewa, yoga, raw food, great friends and well Bali's special energy and warmth I'm feeling quite whole again.  There is still work to be done but I'm making progress every day.

Meeting Dewa has been a blessing.  Not only is he healing me, he's teaching me how to heal myself and control the energy.  Also, because our relationship has been really easy and smooth (we actually new one another from a past life) we are talking about opening a healing centre together.  He has land just outside of Ubud, near a very sacred river.  Healing is best practiced when in connection with nature  so it's perfect.

Many people come to Bali, specifically Ubud for healing.  However because the healers here are powerful and the energy of the land intense itself, most westerners do not know how to integrate the healing into their daily lives.  The often get energetically opened up and then sent on their way often feeling confused and lost.  This can be very dangerous for those who either don't work with energy or who are new to it.

Because I've done quite a bit of work in this field I've been helping others understand what is happening to them and how to integrate it.  Because there are many people in this situation, I've decided to start a support group to help people navigate their spiritual paths.  I've already started a meditation group within the homestay and I'm now looking for space to run a support group.  In the near future, I will be organizing ceremonies and trips to holy springs with Dewa and other people to help them heal.  In a way it's bridging a gap between Eastern healing and Western practices.

So, I'm off to Singapore tomorrow for a couple of days so I can renew my Indonesian Visa for 6 months.  I'm also going to start learning to speak Indonesian so I can work with both locals and Westerners.  I'm not sure where this is all going and I don't really need to.  Everything is effortlessly unfolding as it should and without much planning. I'm just following along where I'm being led to.  I've finally decided to fully show up in my life and I feel fantastic!

More to come...

Climb Every Mountain

When I first started traveling I thought it would be a pilgrimage.  A chance to step away from the norm, explore, expand and evolve. It’s actually turned out to be more of a vision quest.  Digging deeper into my psyche, shedding light on to the places where darkness still resides within me and continually shedding old belief patters and ways of being.

There are certain places on this earth that have a way of calling me to them, knowing exactly what I need in order to evolve and transform.  Cortes was one of them.  Ubud is another. As I stated in my last post, when I arrived here my I knew I needed to slow down and take a rest and my body confirmed that for me.

Since being here I have been going through the worst relapse of MS that I’ve ever had.  For the last 3 weeks I haven’t been able to feel sensations in my left leg or my right arm and the right side of my head and face. I can’t feel the difference in temperature, say with water, and my skin is hypersensitive.  Spatial recognition is also a problem with my leg and arm.  Typing and writing has been difficult, as has eating as I can’t feel food in the right side of my mouth.  Walking, particularly on the uneven sidewalks of Ubud is challenging.  I’ve also felt extreme exhaustion.

I know that my symptoms are a direct result of facing deeply buried fears.  Not wanting to fully feel my experience by still protecting myself against completely opening my heart to my ever changing lifestyle and moving forward in realizing my dreams.  I’m still falling short in expressing and putting out into the world what I really want.  The closer I get to my truth the more by body contracts into it’s dis-ease.  However, that in it’self is the cure.  I know when my body responds like this, I am pushing through the dense darkness and creating space for light and love.  So I know I will get worst before I get better.  A friend of mine recently sent me this quote by Neale Donald Walsh..

"Life begins at the end of your Comfort Zone. So if you’re feeling uncomfortable right now, know that the change taking place in your life is a beginning, not an ending."

I am feeling physically uncomfortable indeed.  And I know it is my body adapting to change.  I will get better over time by being open to the present moment and not my preferences. As a result of doing some deep healing here, I’ve had to cancel the rest of my trip to allow for space to integrate all the change I’m going through.  I also realized that in some way I was traveling for other people and not me.  Some of the places I was going to was because someone said I should check them out.  Not because I was really interested in going to them. 

As it stands, I’m going to stay in Ubud until I feel better and I get a cue or clue that it’s time for me to move on.  I’m not sure if that means going home or going to another destination, or where that destination will be.  In some ways, I’m a little disappointed that my original itinerary has been dismantled.  I felt like I failed to some degree.  I felt disappointed that my body seemingly failed and that I was suddenly limited as to what I could do and were I can go. However, it is truly a blessing in disguise.   Being in Ubud has helped me regain control of my physical being.

How…continuing to stay in gentle motion by doing yoga, dancing and cycling and staying in relationship with the beautiful people I’ve been meeting as well as those from home.  The biggest contributor however, was being lured to Mt. Batur. (I seem to be on the volcano tour.  First Pele and her sisters in Hawaii, and although I didn’t visit the ones in Fiji I was very aware of their presence, then Tongariro in New Zealand and now Mt.Batur). 

I read about Mt. Batur on the plane from NZ.  This journalist described his journey to the mountain to watch the sunrise.  I though it would be lovely to see it but even then thought that I wouldn’t be able to physically do it.  So I put the idea in the back of my mind.  Also, the one thing I’ve learned about my life journey is that in order to connect with sacred places and spaces I need to either ask permission in meditation or to wait to be invited.  If the answer was no then I respect it and don’t judge it. If the answer was yes or if there was an invitation then to accept it without question.  A month went by before the volcano called me.  I came home one night and Made, the owner of the home-stay I’m in, asked if I wanted to do the sunrise trek up the volcano with some of the other guests.  He was sitting below a photo of the mountain and I knew I had to do it. This meant getting up at 2:30 am and climbing the mountain in the dark to see the sun come up. Knowing I was being called I said ok. 

When we arrived at the mountain, the full moon was out and it was a lovely early morning.  We couldn’t see the mountain as the top was covered in mist.  This was a good thing because if I saw what I was about to get myself into I would have turned around.  So on I went.  It was a 2 hour trek and about a quarter of the way in, not even on the steep slope yet, I began having doubts.  What the hell was I doing?  I had no right to be doing this in the condition I was in.  I could already feel my body getting heavy with protest.

We stopped for a bit and I looked at my friend Christina and said this was a very bad idea for me.  She said not to worry, we have plenty of time, I’ll be fine.  My mind and heart was full of determination and my body was screaming NOOOOOOO!  On I went.  We got to the base of the mountain and you could see other tourists lights  heading vertically up the slope, they looked like stars climging into the sky to take their position for the night.  I involuntarily stopped, my body freezing in fear.  I had tears in my eyes, remembering times when I took such journeys like this for granted.  It seemed like my days of enjoying nature in the way I use to be able to was over.  All of a sudden out of the darkness, our guide, Adit, gently took my hand offering support.  I could feel my will starting to build and new I wasn’t alone.  I had support in Adit as well as Christina behind me.  I could also feel the volcano itself lending me its unwavering strength. I concentrated hard on my movement.  My body shook and shuttered.  I kept imaging my body strong and healthy, envisioning light and love coursing through all my cells.

At one point I felt that that was it.  I couldn’t go on.  I said that I would stay were I was and watch the sunset from here.  Adit kindly said that I wouldn’t see it from where I was.  Again, he reached out and took my hand.  Christina offering words of encouragement from behind.  I felt like I was physically going to die.  I had tears streaming down my cheeks and started praying for help.  The all of a sudden, something in my body shattered.  I suddenly felt lighter and stronger.  It felt like I did physically die, or rather I shed a skin like a snake would, or a caterpillar that finally became a butterfly and started flying.  Energy wildly surged through my body and I had more control over my movements.  I still had to struggle but somehow I felt…great.

Adit kept counting down the minutes.  Almost there.  Five more minutes…One more minute.  Then I looked up and suddenly we were there!  I made it!! I sat down and started to cry.  I can’t fucking believe I just climbed a mountain!  Something in my being significantly shifted.  I sat there and watched the dawning of a new day, a new way, a new life.  I felt fragile, vulnerable and strong all at the same time.  

Carly Jung had once said that the most powerful thing in the Universe is human will. In that moment I knew that statement to be utterly and completely true. I had a deep knowing that if I put my heart, mind and soul to something I could do anything.  If I sincerely put in 100% effort than there is no way I could fail at anything.  Support would always be there in the form of Grace.  Everything is possible and I am free to do anything.

And then I realized, shit…I gotta get off this mountain!  So after a bit of breakfast, and a look around the crater of the volcano. I bowed deeply to the wisdom of the mountain and earth and started down the steep slope.

It was more difficult going down than up even though we now had the light of day.  Gravity is pretty strong and I wasn’t use to my new and already fatigued legs.  Once again, Adit stretched out his hand for support.  There were a few times that my legs gave out and when they did Christina was there to help me up and move on.  Every once in a while I would turn around and look back.  I still couldn’t believe that I climbed up a volcano and yet I now understood why I needed to do it.

I wasn’t going to let MS control my life.  I was no longer going to use it as an excuse not to do things or get out of things I needed to do.  I decided I was going to be strong and healthy.  This doesn’t mean I wasn’t going to listen to my body anymore.  On the contrary, it means I will listen to my body more deeply.  Not the dis-ease, but the inherent wisdom that the body has and how it knows  what it needs to be healthy and strong.  I was no longer going to override it’s natural rhythms and messages.  I finally decided to fully show up in my life and take the driver seat and not let any situation go by without fully experiencing it on all levels.

When I got back home I immediately went to bed.  I slept for a few hours and then rested for in an altered state of consciousness for the rest of the day and night. My body needed time to recuperate and integrate this new state of being.  I also knew that this process would take a couple of weeks to fully integrate itself.  The next day, even though my body was incredibly stiff and soar as hell, I knew I had to move it in order to not relapse into contraction.  So, I went for a massage.

As I was still quite weak from the trek, I had absolutely no physical resistance what-so-ever to the deep tissue massage I was receiving.  I felt like a piece of bubble-wrap.  My masseuse applied pressure in spots I didn’t no I even existed popping an releasing trapped energy with ease.  I lay there breathing deeply into her touch letting her readjust my muscles, ligaments and energy centres into there proper places.  At one point I couldn’t tell the difference between her or me.  My body felt like water, liquidy and soft, flowing naturally in rhythm to my breathing and her touch.  When she was done I had a very hard time getting up and walking.  She guided me to a couch where I rested and drank ginger tea.  When I was able to, I then went to see a friend at his café and he gave me coconut water and an ayurvedic drink that stabilized my energy.  I felt bloody fantastic!!

Since then I’ve been doing restorative yoga, eating raw food and being really gentle with myself.  I’m still experiencing some symptoms of MS and I know that I still have work to do.  I’m taking as much time as I need to recover and once again Ubud is the perfect place to BE.  So why move.

I am eternally grateful to Adit, Christina, John and Tim for their support and wisdom.  I bow in deep gratitude to the Divine Life Force and Mt Batur for challenging me and calling me to step up and release my deepest fears.

OK…next post on the wonders of Ubud and Bali…I promise!

It's never lonely at the top

Sunrise from Mt. Batur

On Top of the World...And a brand new day.

My faithful guide Adit and me.  

Me and Christina

Mt. Batur.  We climbed to the rim of the crater on the right hand
side.  Some daring souls made it to the peak.  I still can't believe I  made it up there!!

Quick Check In

I was suppose to fly to Bangkok on March 25th.  Quite a lot has transpired in that time.  For one, I'm still in Ubud, Bali and I have no idea how long I will be here.  It looks like my itinerary is significantly going to change. However, I'm just not sure what that will look like right now.

I'm not going to stay to much as to why I'm still here. One of the reasons is my body said "NO" to moving on.  I will say that sometimes Life put's me in the places I need to be in rather than the places I want to be in.  Not to say I don't want to be in Bali right now, it's a very easy place to be, however, I didn't think my trip would take a sharp right turn.

I'm safe, and comfortable and doing ok.  Sorry to be so elusive right now.  It will take me a while to write what's happening.  Plus I'm still writing my "practical guide to Ubud".

I'm ok, and it's all good.

Thanks for your patience!!

Physical Resistance and Yoga

I’m not sure when I first heard about yoga, at least in it’s traditional eastern  sense.  Most westerners approach yoga from an egoic physical point of view, and do not connect with it’s deepest truth of interconnectedness with the life force of creation itself.  Some do, but most don’t.  What I do know is that the first time I heard about yoga I automatically resisted it.  I had many egoic judgments around yoga, thought it was wimpy and useless.  Really how could stretching and deep breathing really make a person healthier???   Fast forward 20 years and I’m beginning to see why I resisted a practice that will end up changing my physical life in ways I can’t even imagine yet.

Yoga really is psychotherapy for the body.  It helps to release and integrate the change we experience constantly in out daily lives.  It also helps to restore and balance our mind, heart and body when done properly.  I now understand why I avoided such a practice in my early life.  It’s much like the process I avoided when I first started therapy for my emotional well-being.  I did not want to touch the pain that was deep inside as I felt it would consume me and be to much for me to handle.  I didn’t understand the purpose of exposing myself and being vulnerable. I also didn’t understand that the Universe only gives you what you can handle and also the support you need to go through whatever it is you need to express.  You just need to be sincerious (sincere and serious) about your own personal development and give 100%.

What I’ve also learned is that our souls yearn for wholeness.  We all yearn for love, connection and wellness, which is inherently our birthright.  Yet we all fight against it everyday.  The very things we know will help us reach balance, happiness and enlightenment are the very things we avoid because of the way we have been conditioned.  This becomes our life struggle.  Many of us, myself included, do not listen deeply enough to our own need and many of us do not learn to say “no”.  If we cannot learn to say “no”, our yes’s mean nothing.

Back to yoga.  I resisted yoga, on an intellectual level, because it didn’t’ fit into my family system.  We were a family of hockey players and other intense aggressive sports.  Anything outside that realm was debased and ignored.  My brother did to karate for a while but it wasn’t for finding balance.  It was a way of fighting and protecting one’s self.  Much like my concealed love of psychology and all things esoteric, I was intrigued by the physical practices of yoga, tai chi, qi gong and other forms of eastern movement.  Yet every time I was what my opinions were of these practices I scoffed at them because I wanted to fit in with my family.  Yet I could feel my heart pounding behind my chest yelling “YES”!  I could also feel my body yelling even louder “FUCK NO”!!  The fear of releasing all the emotional pain and other physical trauma’s I’ve keep physically in my body was stronger than my will to change at that time.

When I started going to therapy, particularly when I was working with Brent, I thought that just being able to express myself in a healthy manner would be enough to heal me.  I thought that by allowing myself to be seen, vulnerable and supported, I would be able to be free of my fears and illnesses.  I thought that I could cure my MS through this practice. For the most part that is true.  I am much more healthier, mentally and emotionally than ever before.  I feel incredibly free and find the challenges of life much easier to deal with.  I fully understand that whatever happens in life “it’s all good”.  Meaning that all events in our lives are opportunities to excavate, explore, engage and evolve our consciousness.  Even during the worst moments of our lives we are shown where we need to surrender and let go of whatever it is that holds us back from fully engaging in the richness of life.

This was not an easy change to make. When I sinceriously starting to deepen into my authentic self, my ego resisted in every way possible.  I would skirt around issues, I would try other modalities of healing to avoid doing the real work that needed to be done.  Only to realize that I was continuing to fool myself thinking I was getting somewhere.  Yet I would end up in situations where I kept asking “why in hell does this keep happening to me”?  Duh, probably cause I hadn’t learned how to deal with it in a healthy productive way…avoidance was my game.  So I then I decided to stop fooling around and get down to business.

When I started meditating and particularly going on retreats, all sorts of things would start happening to prevent me from digging in my dirt and  begin stilling my heart and mind.  Before meditation retreats and intense weekend in my training program (I was studying at the Transpersonal Therapy Centre, see link on left hand side), I would lose my house keys, or get sick, or something would happen at work that I would use to make excuses not to go…it became a running joke when retreats or weekends would come up that disaster was looming in the air. The excuses I made up to avoid the fire of purification that this process brings on were endless.  However, I was able to push through the endless judgments and noise in my head to do what needed to be done.  Now I look forward to the days when I can spend in silence. However, I have yet to integrate this into a physical practice. 

Our bodies are the most dense part of our being and it takes a very long time to integrate any kind of change physically.  Hence any spiritual practice needs to be an integral one. Yoga literally means yolk, the essential part or inner core, and therefore needs to be integral practice combining all three elements. Mind, body and soul/heart.  If we are going to strive for wholeness all three need to be engaged.  We need to be able to release trauma and pain on a mental, emotional and physical level.  Although I’ve been doing quite a bit of work in helping my physical body incorporate love and light.  I haven’t been good at finding ways to allow the energy to flow through me.  This trapped energy is cause of my MS.  I have so much energy trapped inside of me that I’m short circuiting my nervous system.

Granted I’m doing much better than I was when I was first diagnosed.  I’ve never taken any traditional drugs for MS, aside from a few steroid treatments and I’ve stopped doing those as well.  Usually they put you on steroid for life.  Instead I’m deeply listening to what my body needs in every moment.  Whether it’s food, sleep, rest or motion, I do my best to meet my physical needs.  However, I have fallen short on the motion piece.

Much like when I first started therapy, I’ve tried quite a few types of movement thinking I can get away with not doing the real work and get physically better. Not to say that other modalities, such as dance, free movement, body sculptures haven’t helped.  They certainly have.  Especially massage and other forms of healing touch.  However, they have also fallen short.  Actually, since being diagnoses I’ve been afraid to move because I knew what I would have to deal with. However, my resistance to physical yoga is futile. 

Feeling the need for a deeper physical practice and no longer being able to resist it, I started doing yoga on Cortes Island.  In the 3 months I was there I managed to get 3 classes in and I cried at each one.  Most days, I made the same excuses as I did for my regular therapy.  I’m to tired, the time of the class wasn’t right, there something else that’s much more fun going on…on and on they went.  I’m paying for my fears now.

Had I started a yoga practice earlier, traveling wouldn’t have been so hard or scary.  The fear I first felt when I left affected me physically.  I felt tired and weak for the first month.  I was grateful for meeting Ellen and Carolyn as they both enjoyed hiking and encouraged me to keep moving.  But hiking isn’t enough.  It’s a very safe comfortable movement that doesn’t engage the whole body. The specific moves and postures of yoga have a away of getting into the nooks and crannies of all your joints, muscles, ligaments and organs.  Much like the mind and heart, pain and trauma are very good at hiding in places you would never think to look.  Therefore it is necessary to be very thorough and meticulous in your practice.

Ubud, Bali is a hot bed of yogic practices.  There are endless yoga studios and various forms of yoga here and with very cheap prices.  The studios are stunning to boot.  Most stone and or grass hut open air buildings with stunning views of valleys or rice fields.  It’s worth to go to class alone just for the view.  Even with all it’s beauty and peacefulness,  I’ve been running into the same resistant problems my mind and heart went through.  My body is totally resisting the work.  The first day I got lost.  Ubud is filled with footpaths and alleyways that are not always marked.  The second day the taxi brought me to the wrong studio and I missed the class.  I over slept one morning and yesterday I rolled my ankle on the way to class.  It’s funny that something that is sooooo beneficial is sooo damn hard to make happen.

Much like the retreats and weekend thought I’m pushing through.  I’ve made it to four classes and struggled through each one.  There are certain poses that hit areas of pain and I cry.  I don’t need to know the story behind the pain right now, it’s enough just to feel it and release it.  Most of the time there are no images, colours or thoughts.  Just raw emotion or sensations.  Each class there is a release and I’m feeling physically better each day.  I’m being really gentle with myself and pushing deeper beyond my edges each day.  I often leave with my body buzzing, my head aching and dizzy.  But after drinking tons of water and some rest my body feels more in balance.

I still have plenty of work to do…actually there is always work to be done.  I am enjoying the safety, peacefulness and warmth of Bali, letting it heal me in the same way Cortes did.  I’m already grateful for this experience.

OH SHITTT  I’M LATE FOR CLASS!!!! This is what I’m dealing with!!!!!

What's Up???

I was on my way to yoga today and rolled my ankle.  Ubud's sidewalks, when there is one, are not the most even, flat surfaces, and there are usually 2x3 drainage grates every 10 feet that one can easily get stuck in if your not watching where your going.  I was in a hurry for my class and caught a loose stone off the curb.

I've been keeping it elevated and staying off of it, however I can't ice it as ice doesn't stand a chance in 100 degree heat (no exaggeration with the heat).  It is feeling a bit better but still can't put to much pressure on it for long. So I may be held up in Bali for a while.  I'm doing alright and the family I'm staying with is great.

Then I just found out that my safari in Africa has been canceled due to unspecified reasons...

Ohh Universe....what are you up to???

Home in Ubud

My God I LOVE Bali!!  There have been very few places that I've visited so far that have felt like home.  Cortes Island and the west coast of Canada is one.  Ubud Bali is another.  There is something really magical about Bali.  I feel like I've really come into my skin here. After being in a different bed almost every single night since I began my travels in at the beginning of February I am staying put for 2 weeks.

When I arrived at Nirwa Homestay I immediately new this would be my home for the next two weeks.  I have no desire to see Lombok, or the Gili Islands as many people have suggested I do.  I will have my fill of beaches in Thailand.  No, Ubud is where I will stay and do day trips from here if I feel like it.  I want to get to know the culture, people and traditions.  I want to spend my days doing yoga (something I've avoided doing for years and I'll explain why soon), and hanging out with Madde, Ayu and their family.

For some reason, coming here feels like the beginning of my journey.  Hawaii, Fiji and New Zealand, were places to get my traveling legs moving so-to-speak.  I wasn't focused on anything other than overcoming fears and continuing to push my boundaries.  It was really hard to focus on anything else except for incorporating a new way of being.  Even though my experiences provided me with the material to grow, stretching my consciousness, heart and mind was all that I was able to do.  I was unable to truly appreciate all that was around me.

Taking baby steps into this journey, I feel that I wasn't really able to take in the richness and fullness of each place I went to.  However, I did get exactly what I needed to be able to comfortably relax into the rhythm of solo world travel.  People said it would happen and of course it has.  I feel much more at ease and really beginning to place more emphasis on other's rather than myself.  Meaning I'm able to explore other cultures more freely, rather than just sticking to other travelers and tourist destinations.  I'm more willing to go deeper into the places I'm in.  I'm less concerned about my egoic agenda and staying comfortable and safe (of course I'm not being silly and always aware that things can happen).  Traveling for me, is about opening to new experiences while discovering yourself at the same time.  It's easier for me let others in when I'm no so concerned about whatever perceived, irrational fears I have.

I will be here for Bali's New Year. I'm hoping to stay with Madde and his family, visit his village (his business is in Ubud, his family is elsewhere), experience traditional temple ceremonies, and experience what it is like to be a part of Balinese life.

Some photos posted, more to follow...

Traveling in the Land of the Kiwi

As my time in NZ comes to a close (actually it closed on the 10th) I thought I’d right more practical stuff. For those interested in traveling to New Zealand, 3 weeks is not nearly enough time.  I suggest a minimum of 3 months or longer.  If you want to see both islands, you will spend most of your time in a car and in a different place every night if you choose a shorter stay.  You’ll have to limit your tramping (hiking, not prostituting yourself) to 1 or 2 hours treks.  It truly is an outdoor enthusiasts paradise.  There is no shortage of trails, sails, or rails on both islands.  From bungee-jumping, sky-diving, hot-air ballooning, horseback riding…I can keep going but I’m sure you get the picture. 

The best way to see NZ is to hire a campervan (check out Escape's gallery), which there is absolutely no shortage of.  As a matter of fact I think NZ’s economy depends on these little gems.  I counted at least 12 different companies before I gave up.  Hired vehicles here are like clothing.  They have one for every shape, size and need.  If you want to travel slowly but comfy you can get one of the larger campers, that have it’s own toilet and shower.  If you want more of the hippy look you can rent from Escape,  all come with their own cool custom paint job (photos to be posted of these ones soon), and are a little  more rustic.  Picture a VW van from the 60’s.  Or you can do what Carolyn and I did and rented the Super Value, which was almost the same size as me.  Our little Toyota Starlette was a super little bug that fit the two of us and out gear perfectly.  Unfortunately we didn’t have enough room for hitchhikers though.  Most hitchers are tourists on a very tight budget and safe to pick up.  We ran into a Canadian couple at the Lazy Cow Hostel that were even hitch-hiking carrying an inflatable kayak!  Yep on a Canuck would buy a boat before renting a car.

Accommodation…If your traveling on a budge and don’t want to rent a camper (petrol, like everything else in NZ is outrageously expensive…NOTE…if traveling to the glaciers fill up in Franz Joseph instead of Fox.  Fox has the most expensive gas in the country, usually 30 cents more than anywhere else), and decide to see a few places, hostels are the way to go.  Even if you want your own private room it’s still cheaper than your average hotel/motel.  Plus you have the option of cooking for yourself.  On average, including breakfasts, your looking at minimum $20 a meal.  Multiply that by at least 2 times a day and you’ll seriously go over your intended budget.  Not only is the food expensive, it’s not that great.  The places we did eat out were average or below.  Even most local agree with the lack of good restaurants.

Back to the hostels.  The average price for a 4 dorm (4 people per room) is around $22 to $28 a night.  You don’t see much of your roommates as most people are out and about.  I never had any problems with people yet in any of the hostels I’ve stayed in.  Most have lockers that you can store your stuff in as well so you don’t have to worry about things being taken.  I was actually amazed at the number of older people staying in hostels. 

I joined the YHA (Youth Hostel Association, don’t let the name fool you) for $40 as being a member reduces the rates by about $5.  If you know your going to be staying in hostels it’s a good thing to do.  Plus it’s international so you can use it anywhere in the world for a year.

Most hostels we stayed in where small and very family oriented.  Most travelers, unless staying for more than 3 nights, are not partiers, so you don’t have to put up with drunken young people.  At least I didn’t.  Before traveling I had a very negative image of hostels.  Partly because of the name, also because narcissistically, I thought I was above and beyond them.  I’m sure there are not so good ones out there, however, my experience of them has changed my way of thinking of them.  I’m grateful they exists.  Plus you get to meet really cool people and find out where all the good places to visit, eat and sleep are.  They are a wealth of information.

Must see places:

North Island

Bay of Islands on the east coast.  Don’t go though unless you like being on the water.  A sailor’s paradise.  You can only get a true sense of the islands unless your amongst them.  If you don’t have your own boat, I suggest a smaller company with a smaller boat.  We sailed with She’s A Lady.  Only 10 of us with a very intelligent, witty, and very sexy skipper.  As it’s a small vessel, your often asked to help out.  Don’t worry about experience…I had none and I was able to assist, albeit I couldn’t keep the boat straight, however I did discover I love sailing.

Tongariro National Park.  Who doesn’t love volcano’s.  Beautiful landscapes and hiking trails.  I would have love to have done the crossing, but time, didn’t permit it, which is why if I go back to NZ  I will be more than happy to spend at least 4 days there.

LakeTaupo:  Again, beautiful terrain, lot’s to see and do there on the lake.

Also the most northern tip of the island.  Only because I didn’t get to go there and heard it’s stunning.

Wellington…Much hipper than Auckland. A very artsy, crafty and very hilly city.  It has a good vibe and tons of stuff to do.  The rather annoying thing about Welly,  actually New Zealand as a country, is that everything closes very early.  Like 5 to 6 pm early.  Most of the time it’s not an exact number, usually on the shorter side of the designated closing time.  When someone says their closing at 5, they mean they are at home by 5.  Unlike North America where 5 usually means still working at 7:30.  God knows how anything gets done in NZ.

SouthIsland

Definitely Arthur’s Pass.  The main reason is it’s the only place I felt some form of life there.  Or perhaps it’s because it reminded me of home.  I’m not sure.  There are things I would love to do there especially the Cave Stream.  Hiking for 30 minutes through the cave in sometimes waste deep water seems very appealing.

Takaka and Able Tasman’s National Park…is home to the worlds longest spit due to the severity of the low tides and the blowing sand that is making it larger by the minute.  Farewell Spit is 27 kms and growing.  If you look at a map of the South Island, it looks like a very long talon extending into the Cook Straight.   Plus the Whangunui Inlet is a stunning beach surrounded by lovely sand dunes. Word of warning…if it is windy, be prepared to literally be sand blasted.  I’m still picking sand out of unseen places.

We didn’t make it to the far south so by default Milford Sound/ Fiordland National Park make the list.  As well as Stewart Island.

We didn’t make it to Queenstown either.  I would love to go there for the hot air balloon festival to see the land from above.

New Zealand is truly an outdoor enthusiasts paradise if you love the outdoors your sure to love the land of Kiwi’s.  Just be prepared to pay for it.  I would definitely like to go back for at least 3 months and camp my way through it spending a little more time in each place.  I’m grateful though that I got to see more the island than I intended to.  And I’m glad to leave wanting to see more.

New Zeland Photos

There are new photos up for New Zealand.  I will continue to add more when I get better internet connection.  Enjoy!  Click on the Flickr link to the left or click here .

Hugs!!

New Zealand

New Zealand is bloody expensive!!!  The average price of a meal out is $20 and a t-shirt $50.  If you are planning on visiting NZ be prepared to shell out some dough!

Driving on the left side of the road is a little challenging.  For the first few days, I played a few games of chicken before realizing that I was still in North American driving mode.  Thankfully there isn’t many cars on the road here.  Actually most of the traffic on the roads are camper vans and other tourists learning the rules of the road as well.

Other than the price of things here NZ is a little strange.  Once you get past the fact that the entire North Island and a good portion of the South Island have been totally clear cut from all it’s timber, it’s beauty starts to come through.  However it does look like a large scale diorama.  Instead of replanting native trees, they brought in pine trees because they have shorter growth cycles, and planted them in perfect little rows. Where they didn’t replant has become pastures for the numerous cows and sheep.  So most of NZ looks like a fifties move set.  Too perfect and not enough ruggedness.   The South Island is were most of the parks are and still have maintained it’s natural beauty.

One thing I have really learned about myself is how much I love the ocean!  I know that wherever I live it will have to be near it.  Preferably an island.  I went sailing for the first time and LOVED IT!!  For some reason I didn’t  think I would.  My God, the freedom of being on open water is phenomenal!!

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My initial goal for NZ was to volunteer for accommodation and food.  However, a woman I met in Hawaii, Carolyn, emailed me saying she was coming to NZ and wanted to know if I wanted to travel with her.  She is quite lovely and the two of us get along really well.  She is a photographer doing a project on areas effected by climate change.  Her project is called the Witness Tree. 

It’s been wonderful traveling with someone.  Again, I’m finding that I’m never really alone and always meeting people to hang out with.  The one down side to this is I haven’t been meditating and taking time out for personal space.  I’m really noticing the affects of this.  I’m feeling good for the most part.  Integrating the constant flow of change is a little challenging.

I’m able to stay present and aware and magical things happening have resulted from this.  However my energy level is a little low.  Not so much physically, although I do find that I’m pretty wiped out at the end of each day.  I feel that in some ways I’m either holding myself back from fully engaging in the world around me or just so busy integrating all that is happening that anything else is just too much.  I’m having a good time, and loving seeing the sights but there still feels like something is missing. Yet I know nothing is missing at all. 

I’m still discovering who I am and what I’m about.  Constantly pushing beyond comfortable boundaries and pushing myself in ways that I never needed to before.  Yet, I feel more and more comfortable traveling.  Even India doesn’t seem as frightening because I know I’ll end up travelling with someone or a group of people.  And even if I don’t I feel I can handle the pressures that traveling brings.

Letting go of being in constant contact with home is also getting easier.  I thought it would be easy to connect with people more frequently.  I’m realizing what a privileged system we have in North America for communications.  NZ gets their internet from Australia from and underwater cable.  The cable is to small and limits the bandwidth and the amount of data one can use.  So internet here is very, very expensive. No free café’s anywhere.  Hostels charge $10 a day or $4 for half and hour. 

  

Even if I had regular internet access, I know that I still wouldn’t be online often.  The whole idea behind traveling is to get out there!  To meet new people and move forward in life.  Not that I’m leaving my friends permanently, but, with moving on, contact between friends and family becomes less and less.  I’m still here for everyone and I know people back home are still there for me.  My heart is full of their love and therefore I and they haven’t really gone anywhere.  It makes it hard to be present and learn new things though when I’m constantly thinking of staying in contact.   I will also say that I’ve been terrible at sending post cards.  I buy them then get busy then tired to send them…  I am thinking of all you though!

Once again I’m grateful for this blog so I can share my experiences with everyone.  So I apologize for not staying in contact more personally with some of you. 

My Godmother asked me if traveling was what I hoped it would be.  It’s a great question.  The answer to that is yes and no.  Traveling in the way that I am, is both stressful and relaxing.  It’s lonely and connective.  It’s not as romantic as I thought it would be.  It’s exhilarating, engrossing and exciting, and yet keeping up with all the information and experiences leaves me often overwhelmed and tired.  Integrating everything takes it toll on me and yet I don’t want it to stop.  I haven’t been journaling or taking notes as much as I would like because it feels like its way to much.  However, I’m already forgetting some of the places I’ve been to because there is just sooooo much to take in.  I’m learning though as I go and doing my best to incorporate some practices that will be of benefit (like taking notes). 

I now have a system for packing!!!  YEAY!!  Even with all the info that people gave me for packing, it really is a personal journey.  One thing that I will pass on is buy dry bags and different sized ones.  They are great for compressing clothing and will keep them dry in very humid climates.  Plus you can use them for day bags at the beach.  Thumbs up to Carolyn for getting me on to them!

Anyway today is a beautiful day and I must get outside!  My love to you all.  Photos of NZ will be posted soon!

Settling In

I’m settling in to life on the road and traveling is getting easier.  I’m getting use to moving around, not staying one place for a long time and meeting numerous people from all over the world.  Actually mainly Germans. 

Fijiwas a culture shock.  I’m glad I started there because even though there was much poverty, Fijians will give you the clothes off their backs if you are getting a little too sunburned.  They are the most selfless people I’ve met thus far and very, very beautiful esthetically as well.

After I left my initial accommodations and found a couch to surf on, I felt much better about being in Fiji.  Staying with Diane was wonderful.  I became much more relaxed and felt safer being in the company of other people.  Meeting some of the locals gave me a better perspective on Fijian life.  Diane rented the basement of her home out to two twin brothers, Phillip and Tofu. They were from one of the low land nation islands but I can’t think of the name of it right not.  They were fire dances and craftsmen.  Both worked in the backpacker resorts entertaining and providing activities for guests.  Incredibly sweet talented men.  I hung out with them when I was staying at Diane’s and I went to Mana Island in the Yasawa’s with Phillip for a couple of days.  He was working at the backpackers I stayed at.  Again it was nice to have someone with me who knew the ways of the land and culture.

I didn’t make it to far inland in Fiji.  I here that the mountains and rivers are something to see.  Instead I headed out to the YasawaIslands for a couple of days.  The group of Islands are stunning and extremely warm.  It was so warm that even the ocean felt soupy.  Mana Island is a village island.  The village was behind the backpackers place.  I felt incredibly guilty for being there.  These people have next to nothing and live very simply.  Here I was taking one of the best buildings to sleep in and eating food that most couldn’t afford.  Yet most of them seemed to be very happy.  I didn’t get over the guilt, but each day I felt extremely grateful for the opportunities and things that I have.  I will say that it was fun to play with the local kids.  They hung out with me and a woman I met who was from the States.

Fiji was beautiful and an eye opener.  I feel a little bit more prepared for places like Thailand and India.

Traveling and Internet

Internet isn't as easily accessible as I thought it would be.  Particularly in New Zealand.  If your in a cafe you get one hour free then it is anywhere from $1 to $4  for 15 minutes.  So, unfortunately I'm not online as often as I though.  Which is probably a good thing.  Any I will post more than photos soon.  Finding time to charge batteries in full hostels isn't easy at times either.

Anyway I'll have more for you soon!

Fiji

Photo's from Fiji!!  Will right about it soon.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/visionlesswitness/sets/72157629059947818/

Challenges

One week in to my trip and I’m feeling transformed already.  Although I was in Hawaii, it was a tough start.  It’s hard to put into words the process I am still going though.  It’s amazing how resistant I am to severe change.  All I wanted to do when I got to Hawaii was go home.  Even after meeting Ellen and exploring the absolute beauty of the Big Island of Hawaii, I would still wake up in the mornings wanting to be back in Canada.  Actually I wanted someone to be with me to help take the edge off.  It’s the first time in a long time that I felt incredibly lonely.

These feelings gradually started to go away as I keep physically busy.  I also let the energy of the Island peel away my resistance and let it support me.  What I found funny was that when I got to Cortes, most people felt peace and joy and I was dismantled and eventually came to peace.  When I got to Hawaii, I felt Pele welcome and hold me where as others were being dismantled.  Even though I felt welcomed there, Hawaii challenged me physically.  Ellen a wonderful Canadian/America woman I met at the hostel, was a climber and very physically fit.  Within a day of being with her I knew that I entered some kind of boot camp to get into shape.

Some of the hikes we did were very physically demanding.  I knew that I was being tested physically and that it was important that I push myself as hard as I could.  Thankfully, not only was Ellen physical fit, she was incredibly supportive and encouraging.  I knew that I needed to get in better shape if I am to travel the world.  I needed to learn to contain and control the energy that is going through my body and not fear it.  When I get scared I don't want to move and it creates many problems for me physically, mentally and emotionally.  As I hiked, swam and kayaked, I had to really focus on my breathing, allowing all my experience to be fully integrated and not to dissociate from the feelings I was having. 

It wasn’t just the physical activity that helped me move through my fears. The Big Island of Hawaii is a magnificent island geologically in the fact that it is still being born.  The active volcanoes are creating new land almost daily.  What is interesting is that even though eruptions have devastated the land, it is creating land at the same time.  Much of the ground is volcanic rock and ash and you can feel the life force shifting under your feet.  But, then as you look around you start to see life.  Green life, emerging out of black, baked hardening rock.  It’s absolutely phenomenal to see the birth of the earth, creation itself at work.  After watching the news and seeing the destruction that man is doing to our Mother Gaia, to come to Hawaii and see and feel the living, breathing force of the planet we live on gave me a renewed sense of hope.  This planet IS ALIVE and you can witness it breathing on Hawaii. 

The Creative spark of primal life, giving birth to Earth and seeing it’s painful yet beautiful process made me realize that human’s too are constantly going through the same cycles.  We are always growing, expanding, shedding and renewing ourselves.  We are always dying in some form and being reborn again. Not just psychologically, but biologically as well.  We follow the same process as earth and even though it’s painful and destructive at times, it is also very beautiful and magical.  Being in Hawaii helped me to understand and integrate my own growth.

I’m extremely grateful for this island and Ellen for helping me to push beyond all my boundaries and see that even though I am in a constant flux of change, a solid foundation for the future is emerging.

I can feel a difference within myself already.  I arrived in Fiji late last night and discovered that my hostel wasn't a hostel and that it was really quite remote. There was a price discrepancy for the rate, and they said I needed to pay for WIFI.  Plus there are only two other guest here so it makes it hard to meet other travelers. Oh and I realized that the converter I bought for my laptop doesn't work.

I could feel the familiar feelings of wanting to come home arise. I also felt incredibly lonely.  Breathe.  I just dealt with things as they came up.  Even though Fijians speak English it isn't very good.  I had moments this morning of wanting to go home, however, as the day wears on it is dissipating.  One of the messages I got while on Cortes is to stay grounded and stay connected.  I'm doing just that.  The staff here are very friendly and helpful.  One even gave me a converter to use.  After talking to Ali, I felt better about being here.

It's amazing how I can change my state of mind just by changing the way I think and also by being gentle with myself.  I'm still not sure about traveling.  It's not as romantic as I hoped it would be.  It is a challenge and I'm grateful that I've always been able to meet them head on.

Photos from Hawaii

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Much Better

So after I wrote that last post I got up and went into the kitchen feeling like I was gonna pack it in and head back to Cortes. However,  I got talking to one of the girls I met last night and as it turned out she rented a car.  Things started to look up.  She then said she was going to go kayaking and snorkeling. I asked to tag along.

OH MY GOD WHAT A DAY!!  We went to the Captain Cook Monument that isn't far from the hostel.  When we got there a couple of local guys asked us if we needed help to get the kayak in the water.  For $5.  You had to drop the kayak into the water from a wharf that was about 3 feet high then jump in.  Yikes.  We attempted it on our own. After successfully getting in without tipping it, we paddled out into the ocean.

This was my first time actually kayaking and swimming in an ocean!!  (Actually the first time I was in the ocean was on Cortes but it was a very quick dip as the Pacific in the north was only 10 degrees.)  As we paddled out we had a school of spinner dolphins come up to the boat.  I started to cry.  They were so beautiful and playful.  We followed them for about 45 minutes.  The day just got better and better from there.  Swimming with the fish and manta rays, watching humped back whales jump and dance in the water.  Then beer and pizza on a patio at sunset.  It was a totally magical, beautiful transforming day.  It was the perfect day to begin a new life.  I started to let go of the fear of uncertainty and decided that not knowing what the day will bring can be pretty fun.

Ok...traveling isn't so bad after all.  I still can't believe I'm in Hawaii. I still need to open up and learn to not be so fearful.  It will come with time.

One thing I was aware of today is how bloody cautious I've become.  I was usually the first person to jump in to do something adventurous.  Now I'm the one saying "I don't know..we may get in trouble, or we shouldn't be doing this or whatever....And nothing that would really land me in any legal or physical trouble. Nor anything that is really irresponsible either.  Somewhere along the way I feel I've lost the spontaneous adventurous edge I loved.  I'm not sure what happened.  If this is what it means to get older than I don't want a part of it.

Photos of the day on Flicker.  Unfortunately I didn't have a waterproof camera and didn't get any fish, dolphin or whale shots.  :-(